Black Girl In The City.

This is Carma. She’s a black girl repping the city Brooklyn, Ny

Part 1 – Gettin The Hell On.

The great news is that I started the myspace page and am getting a chance to actually talk to people that check in on me every now and then so that’s cool. The bad news is that I’m still on the damn mend! Don’t get me wrong, I’m progressing well but I’m just impatient as hell. I always want it and I want it now. There’s one person in my life that has taught me the importance of patience and will. It wasn’t voluntary though! I was a bitch to him when I didn’t get my way, lol.

So Pippi is telling me about her fabuloso trip to Los Angeles and I’m standing in her cubicle doorway drooling. I’ve been pondering the idea of moving to LA for a very very long time, but fear has kept me here. As Pippi always puts it to me frankly, “You don’t have any support here anyway. Leave, I think it will be the best thing for you.” We’ve talked about it several times before and I say “Yea, I’m gonna start working on that”. But I never start the process.

I forget about the vast network I have sometimes. Many of my traveling homies have told me that if I went out there I would be taken care of most definitely. Some others have said the same about NY but I don’t want to raise my daughters there. Miami is a no go too. I don’t want them in too much hustle and bustle; I want them to enjoy the benefits of suburban life. Where they have neighbors and friends to play with. I’ve lived in the city for about 6 years. Well on the outskirts in Buckhead. I’m used to not driving more than 10 minutes to get where I need to go. Orange County was suggested by a couple of friends and sounds like my best bet. I just don’t want to have to phukin drive!!

So I sealed the deal with myself and started writing out the plan. Within that I discovered that I will most definitely pursue my dreams of being a full time writer. I read the career path of Mitzi Miller on her myspace page and was impressed with her grind. It seemed as if God was sending me to a blue print of how to bang it out and killem hard body style in the process. B and I were talking about the book I’m working on and he’s in! My homie J, who used to work for Michael Mauldin (Jermaine Dupri’s Dad), knows the world of entertainment in and out. He’s my new agent/manager. He just recently located to DC to take on a job as the marketing director for a big company. Hated to wave goodbye to his car strapped to the back of a moving truck but I’m glad he stepped out. He manages an artist based here so he’ll be back and forth. I am over due for my first curse out because I haven’t laid out the foundation. I know he’s got it coming to me.

I’m going to leverage everything and every friend I have to make this happen. Doesn’t matter how long it takes I’m going to stay focused because I feel like the walls are closing in on me in Atlanta. Then it came to me that it wasn’t the walls closing in on me, it was me growing and needing more room to expand. One of my mentors told me that I’m like a champagne bottle that’s ready to pop but just sits right on the cusp of it. One more push would burst open a flow of greatness, opportunity and most importantly happiness. “Stop fucking off and do it!” he said one day on a phone call. He was actually in LA as we spoke but the busy background noise did not stop him from yelling so loud I had to pull the phone from my ear. He is one of those that me believes in me more than I believe in myself and it pisses him off! He’s followed me through this thing from the beginning. I just gotta stop looking back and move forward.

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Part 2 – Ok I Get It.

I know it’s time. I know I should be through this already. And honestly I almost am. It’s just that one sliver of hope that he would eventually love me like I want him to that keeps me slightly bridled with emotion. Certainly not as much as before, actually after I began the process of letting it go I began to see the person that most don’t see. He peeled off some layers, one by one and that in itself is what kept me secretly gleaning with hope that one day…we all want someone that we feel most comfortable being ourselves with.

I keep looking back to him as I try to let go but honestly I need to effing stop it. My inability to let go completely keeps the friendship on a slight strain when there are days I just hope to speak to him and hear his voice. There are some things that still bother me but I suffer in silence. I realized that keeping me in that state of mind was eating away at other pieces in my life. Above all I want to treat what we have with care but my selfishness and unwillingness to accept what he is telling me keeps things at a halt.

When I left this morning we didn’t say a word to each other. We didn’t have to. Sometimes the most talking is done when there is complete silence. We’d had a blast the night before just being in each other’s presence. I got over there and we decided to grab a bottle of wine. We hit the grocery store quick fast and he makes his pick. Actually he always picks. He’s more of a wine expert than I am so he knows the best choices lol. We get to the self checkout and do the usual. That usual turned into a spectacle when the bottle fell from the bottom of the bag splashing a wave of Riesling all over the floor. As I’m trying to back away I slip in the mess and land on the floor in a half spilt and almost died laughing. By that time everybody was looking. He put his arm around my stomach and scooped me up in one swift. I’m little so it would be easy for a 6’4 healthy black man to do that. Haha Let me stop!!!

So we get the wine and get back to the house. Roll a little and he starts our favorite thing. Playing different songs to see if I know them. I gave him a genre and he gave me all the songs I know lol. Eventually I’m up dancing like I’m in the club and we’re partying it up. That was until I got toasted and somber as hell…

I stood behind the bar and watched him in the kitchen. I don’t even remember what we were talking about, I just remember him saying, “I don’t wanna go that route with you. I wanna focus on our friendship.” Pow! There were those words again. I just couldn’t accept the whole fact that all he was doing was saving me from himself because I was important to him. Foolish black girl.

I had my cry, he manned me up, and I was so toasty I had to go to sleep. I got into bed wearing a pair of his shorts that I’d changed into in the bathroom. I was trying to respect our direction. I huddled my body the farthest I could on the other side of the bed because I didn’t want to feel him next to me by any means. I had to maintain my self control because I almost attacked him. We slept back to back the entire night and never said, “Forget it let’s do it.” We held it together for the sake of remaining friends for a lifetime rather than just a moment.

That said I’ve got to stop looking back, let go of that quiet hope and proceed on with my life having him close by. This means that I have to accept the fact that he could commit to someone other than me, he could even marry someone other than me. My test to myself is that if I can picture those instances in my mind and not feel any sort of jealousy or hurt, I will have kicked my habit. It takes another to distract from the other sometimes. If I wanna get out of this fully I’m gonna have to stop being an asshole and start dating again. At first I didn’t want to have anything to do with men period. I’d damn near lost my sex drive and like for them. That’s gotta stop, otherwise I’ll still be flailing and going crazy if he in fact goes into the arms of someone else. I guess I have to add a new series to this blog….Back On My Game. Should be interesting.

“There is no past that we can bring back by longing for it. There is only an eternally new now that builds and creates itself out of the Best as the past withdraws.”

-Johann Wolfgang Von Goeth

-black girl.