Crystal by Parris.
“You’re kinda like a hippie,” Doc said. His laugh made me laugh a little too. “No, seriously you just have a really good heart.” ….
My long time friend was doing some teaching to me this evening. Just one of those ‘right on time’ conversations, like there’s someone you can’t hear or see tuning in to what you need and making sure you get it quick order style. In all of the years I’ve known him (6 or so), today marked that moment where he allowed himself to be a vehicle in order to get my hard headed non-self listening behind to pay attention…just like the others.
I can’t even go into everything he said, but in all of it every bit was real talk. Suddenly I realized what this whole thing has been about. My initial idea of Detox was to get rid of the vices in my life that I felt were distractions, i.e. sex and mean green. Relapsed on the latter but that will be no more. When I wasn’t wasting an hour away staring out of the window thinking of how many different ways I would love to get the good good, I was pondering whether or not to break my second commitment. Failure isn’t an option for me so I had to take it seriously and find better ways to release my energy. That would be a little bit of gym work, lots of water and prayer. Eventually the prayer thing became random talks…and now I see what the Detox thing had been about all along: Enhancing my spiritual relationship by removing the things that blocked it (and) my sight.
When you’re connected to the higher power in a way where you feel the presence around you all of the time your bravery is ten fold. I began to challenge and test everything. Most often myself because I wanted to get this thing right. Soon the tests came on their own and I either passed or failed. The majority of them I’ve passed and the others I’m not even sure about! So this whole simple idea of getting rid of bad habits turned into exactly what I’d been praying for. “To clear out everything within myself and around me and replace it with what’s right, essential, true and enhances my quality of life.”
When I tell you the past few weeks have been a part of the Great Clean Out I am so not kidding. Every single area of my life was turned about, shaken up, and thrown down and it’s still not over. The shakeup was crazy but what was left standing when the dust settled was the true measurement of my prayers being answered. There was nothing. I could call for miles and hear my echo. Talk about a culture shock. This was one of those times where I had to choose. Glass half empty? Glass half full. There was nobody around me that could tell me the answer to what I was too untrustworthy to tell myself. Honestly, I was sinking and breaking at this point. “You go into this turtle shell and run away then you isolate yourself from everyone and everything instead of dealing with the things you need to deal with. Then, when you come out you really haven’t learned anything so you’re back at ground zero.” Doc was handing it down. So now I am standing in the middle of nowhere with a choice to make and no shell to hide into. To someone like me that’s equivalent to torture. I was in a straight panic which is why I needed someone to snatch me back on the asap.
After Doc’s talk I went into some kinda introverted deep thinking trance disconnecting me mentally from everything around me. “I knew there was a reason I talked to you today,” he laughed. If he only knew how much weight that conversation carried. Later on I skipped over to B’s house to drop off some papers and hang for a minute. I should have stayed home with the mood I was in but there was something I now know I was intended to hear. Eventually I just left and came home. It wasn’t till late that I realized the answer to the mother of all answers had come twice to me today. Through two people that are very in touch with their spiritual selves and know me on a level that most don’t. B: “There are very few people I meet that have that ‘it’. You have it. And once you fill that void and find that missing piece you are going to take off.” He thinks I don’t pay attention but I hear everything. 
Doc: “I’ve seen you grown over the years and you’ve become someone great, but now you’re at a point where you need to choose your path and follow it in spite of. You need to believe (in yourself) and move because you are destined to be greater than even what you can see. Not only do I want you to claim your crown, I want you to wear it.” That’s when I understood that certain indivuals in my life shared a common mission. Each and every one of them believed in me and understood their purpose in my life by accepting everything I had to offer. Even if at times what I gave was a little next to nothing. In fact, they’d been there all along and the feeling of being alone was just a crafty illusion. It’s crown claiming time.
-black girl.
