Black Girl In The City.

Hey hey!! I hate that all of my recent posts have been kinda ‘deep’ on you but I’m going through it right now and sometimes the world moves so fast that listening has become an awarded luxury.

I think I’ve been being very unrealistic and unfair to myself about what I am capable of doing for the sake of maintaining my status quo in the eyes of myself and others. Pride in some cases, sheer hope in some others. This week I’ve been making it a point to see my position in different areas and how I fit into the equation if I should be in it at all. The truth is that in the midst of being self less I’ve lost (and am losing) a lot of shit in my life and its just now beginning to hit me. I wish I knew a better way to find balance but I think if that balance was achievable, I would certainly be the first to embrace it. So what does that mean? Perhaps no more sappy bitch tears, no more worry about everything and anything that have nothing to contribute to my progression of self. I wish that could be me but it’s not in my makeup. The one thing I have learned about being an adult is that I am a girl, and that’s it. I’m gonna be everything that being one of those entails and that is ok. Even the girl in me is getting on me to cut a lot and let a lot go so I can claim my piece of mind. I got home today, worked out for a mere 30 minutes, cooked dinner, and plopped my sweaty hiney right here at my desk to get things done. Four hours later, I’m still sitting here tired as shit and messing with this blog before I hit the shower and then the bed only to start all over again. For some reason I always feel like I’m in a damn rush to get everything done and when its over, everyone’s happy except for me the depressed and drained diva, lol. Who’s fault is that?! What am I REALLY all about?

Guess I’m just kinda tired of making myself absolutely miserable by being disposable to everyone else but me. I need to change myself quickly because I see what’s on the horizon. Have you ever seen a black woman all tapped out? I have and it’s not sexy or supreme in the least bit. In some cases what I’ve put out has gotten me nowhere but in the same place if not worse off than I started. Pure indicator that I’m making my life difficult as hell by not doing shit in order. In other areas of my world I’m just standing there looking like ‘what in the fukng fk am I doing’? It’s so annoying to the point now that its comical and I have to laugh at my silly self when I look in the mirror to see what I’ve become. It’s funny joke time cuz I know. I know I’m so much better, I know where I should be, but no matter how good of a person you are your heart doesn’t get you into high places. Your DECISIONS do.

So..Heavy downsizing is underway! I owe it me to have my value restored and put back into my life instead of waiting around for it come to me ‘just because I’ve sewed good seeds.” Some of those seeds should have sprouted come spring but I have seen no harvest at all. Which leads me to my final question: What kinda ground am I sewing my precious seeds on? I know for certain my seeds are good, but the ground I’ve sewn them on just may not be right.

I’m saying enough’s enough and getting real without fear of approaching a dead end that’s near. On the other side are new beginnings and opportunities waiting to set me free. Let me just take fifty feet back to get black girl on track.

Peep the third verse of the song shun!

-black girl.