(unknown)
Brainless Action & Tri-Sexual Luke Girls
For the first time in months I sat down and watched the silliness we call entertainment and television. I needed to do something brainless because I felt like my own was in an over drive race of hyperactivity. I wanted to stop thinking, if just for a second so TV would be just the thing. Decided to watch VH-1’s “I Wanna Work for Diddy”. It was cool but not what I expected. The teaser was pretty fly but the show was kind of a let down. I’m interested to see what the ratings were. I wonder if he would top Tyler Perry’s break onto the primetime scene. Tyler vs. Diddy. Interesting. Maybe I wanna work for Diddy. Then again…maybe the hell not! Lol Luke the freak nasty is following Snoop’s footsteps with his own reality show titled “Parental Advisory”. After this line I calmly turned the television off and went on about my business… “In order to be a Luke girl you must be tri-sexual…willing to try anything.” OMG. When he said this he was talking to his wife. Later I wondered, damn – does that me Imma a tri-sexual?
Screwdrivers, knives and FIRE! WTF?
I won’t lie and say that moving along with life as usual without someone that I felt I needed and needed me is going to be easy. This was what I was afraid of though. Breaking away from a close bond for the sake of healing yourself is hard. Actually, this year has been hell for me in that regard because I just can’t seem to get it right. If you date a guy for three months and have sex with him and it’s wack you’re disappointed. If you date a guy that is your polar opposite for the sake of doing something different you soon realize that the two of you have nothing in common just like you knew to begin with. If you give too much you lose someone you care about because you feel a certain way. If you don’t give enough you are selfish. If you give the same something else is fucked up…like the psycho baby momma that hates your guts because she thinks you stole her man. lol I’ve been threatened with screwdrivers, knives, fire! I mean, WTF? Now I am all out of answers and back to square one yet again, minus one of the few friends I thought I had. The thing I hate is the time vested into something that leaves you empty handed with just a lesson learned and a slap on the wrist. 2008 has slapped the shyt out of me and told me it is for my own good lol. I’m tired of so many damn lessons. I’m that kid in class watching the clock praying for the dismissal bell that never rings. One can’t help but to wonder the why behind the why and what it all means. I’ve asked, and the only answer I get is to write. Same thing I’ve been getting for years, and years…and you guessed it…YEARS. God forgive me but sometimes I just want a hug and an outing (with someone I like back) without sitting in this house writing my heart away. Don’t get me wrong, suitors ask but I don’t mess with those fools because I already know. Sometimes I think I am too wise and good for my own good. Knowing to much leaves a funky taste in your mouth and makes you wish that some days you could just be stupid as hell and oblivious to what’s happening in the world around you. As much as I’ve tried to clarify and find the answer and meaning to it all I’m just not getting it and am unsure of which way to go but on my own. Perhaps that’s the way it’s meant to be but…I don’t like it. In fact, I’m starting to get funked. But what can you do but smile big, pay close attention to your thoughts and direct them toward happiness as much as possible by giving yourself everything you need and love? That’s all anyone can do. But I still can’t sleep at night.
Family Affairs and the Magic City Recruit.
My baby sis came in from B’More this weekend. Spent most of Saturday at my Uncle’s house. There were kids everywhere and I wanted to slap a few. Especially my other Uncle’s daughter who got on my effing nerves. The kids were dancing to music, sensible, cute…but then this 11 year old with a booty bigger than mine gets up and bounces her ass like she could make money doing it. I asked her, “What do you think you are going to attract by doing that booty poppin you’re doing?” She looked at me funny and said, “I just like to dance.” I just shook my head and attempted to explain to her the importance of being a lady and not doing things like that in front of people. Regardless of if she likes to dance people don’t know that. They just see another little black girl bouncing that ass like she was born to do. A freak ready to get smashed. She didn’t care and started doing it again. I just got up and left the room. I watched her later for a while and realized how starved for attention she was. I was like that. I just wasn’t poppin the booty…I was a little more advanced in my activities lol. Her dad worked a lot and her mom just had a new baby. I saw the road she was going down and pulled her to the side. Kept it real with her and dropped a little advice to her like she were my own. She got the point. Her prance was more confident, she crossed her legs when she sat down to eat, and she wasn’t as loud and boisterous as before. I caught her secretly watching me and my mannerisms and mimicking them best she knew how. I could tell my approval meant a lot to her. It made me feel really good because that one talk could have very well changed her life.
Guess Who’s Afraid of the Dark?
The lights went out Sat night and the entire Sidney Marcus side of Lenox Rd. was PITCH black. I sought refuge at D’s house since he was the closest by. Kicked it for a hot second and bounced, praying I had lights when I got back. Otherwise I’d be sleeping in the car because I can’t sleep in a pitch-black house alone in silence. It was 2am and that’s when the monsters come out lol. HAHA! I’m 30 years old and afraid to be in a dark room alone. Shame. I was relieved to see that they in fact were back on and I could take a long shower to wash away the day. As soon as I got out of the shower and put on my robe the lights went out AGAIN! PANIC. TERROR. My heart raced as I fumbled in the dark for my celly, purse and keys, which I never put in the same place twice. I am deathly afraid of being in the dark by myself unless I’m in the bed and sleep and the light switch is a reach away. As soon as I stepped out of my front door my Indian neighbor across the hall was there with his flashlight and boxer shorts. He had bee bee’s on his chest which surprised me for obvious reasons lol. He shinned his light on me…in my robe with damp hair and a look of terror on my face! “Again,” he said waving his arms and the flashlight with it. I said, “I know this is crap,” and scurried down the stairs to the parking garage as I felt his eyeballs follow until I was gone. I think I saw him lick his lips while looking at my legs but whatever. I just had to get the hell out of there. When I opened the door to the garage it was pitch black and I nearly died again because finding my way to my car was out of the question. I ran back up the stairs and stood in front of the walkway wondering what to do. A few neighbors were standing outside smoking. One of them that I talk to here and there screams, “This is fucking bullshit isn’t it! Do you have any weed?” LOL I shook no and the other girl says, “We can’t even have nookie night because it’s so damn dark.” I was thinking, I don’t know about you but dark, light, dusk, whatever it goes down regardless! We stood outside in a little crew until about 3:15 or so shootin the shyt until the lights came back on. I hesitated going back up in fear the same thing would happen again. Eventually I just said forget it…if I get to sleep soon I’ll be too comatose to even know what’s happening. Word.
Satisfaction NOT Guaranteed.
One of my best friends is gone and I still can’t believe it. I checked up on their blog and saw that they really didn’t get where I was coming from and kinda felt like I was the villain and the fake one that had been lying all along. That hurt but I guess that’s the power of words. I said some fucked up shyt that can’t be taken back. It’s sad but what can you do? I know how they feel right at this moment and the fact that I can’t be there kinda bothers me on that “I never would have thought” sorta thing. It didn’t take long for me to find peace in it all, but it still doesn’t stop you from missing your friend. I just try to flood my attention with other things and let it all die away on its own. I tried everything I could to get him to see but I just couldn’t get through. Just trying not to cry about it. I’ve lost a lot this year, only to gain myself…but is that all there is? If so, fuck that. I don’t like it.
Being Content with it all. HELL NO!
I’m moving to a bigger place and haven’t even started packing yet. Mainly because I’m going through everything I own and have kept over the years and am trashing it, selling it, or giving it away. I want to use this opportunity as a symbol of a new start in my life. I tend to hold on to things even when I don’t need them and they serve no purpose anymore. My pageant dress from 12 years ago, my prom dress, pictures, even hand written notes and my old cheerleading uniforms. My first corporate paycheck…ticket stubs, the only single rose I was ever given from someone special (in high school) lol. And receipts going all the way back to 1999. We won’t even get on clothes. 80% of them sit in my closet or in piles that I plan to sort through tomorrow…which turns into two months, then three years and so on. Most of which have been pillaged through by a prissy teen obsessed with fashion. Having your clothes being referred to as vintage is enough in itself and a lot of things I need to let go. I had an aha moment when I thought about how things and objects hold energy from my past – some of which should have been tossed from my space long ago. Guess it’s never too late to clean up and I seem to be doing a lot of that lately. Starting over may be what I need but again…that’s another thing that gets old. I want to build skyscrapers, not continue to clear land and sit on that shyt playing in the dirt like I’m starring in a PIKE Nursery commercial. Trying to figure out what’s next is hard when you tend to get wrapped up in the moment. Either way, content is not me these days.
Really Though? Tell me this is all there is.
I kinda feel alone. Sad a little but morose just irritated. There are so many things I want and feel like I need but I can’t seem to get my strategy right. It’s been more like live, learn, and still come up empty handed with just another lesson to put in your pocket. A friend of mine said, “Just be patient.” I went OFF lol. I said, “I’ve been patient and trying to do the right thing all of my life and I’m ready for MY turn to reap benefits. Fuck that!” My biggest fear is to grow old and never see my hearts desires. Dreams that I’ve held onto since I was a little girl. Even when you do all that you are supposed to do some things are just out of your control. You have to wait it out and wait your turn. It’s just a travesty when you see the next person that cheated to get their way only to get ten steps ahead of you and actually get away with it. I try my best to do the right thing but often times I feel like I come up short. I just wish there were more to it than this and often wonder, should I cheat and lie my way to the top too?
Maybe I’ll just cut my hair and make it rain on dem hoes.
-black girl.
Filed under: Matters of the Heart. | Tags: courage, divine, faith, joy, lessons, love, wisdom
(unknown)
I had contemplated about whether or not to even talk about this because I didn’t want to put energy into something that has already come and gone. But now that I’ve taken some time to think about it I think I should because this is what I blog for. I thought that my 30 day journey to spiritual fulfillment was over but in fact it had only prepared me for the greatest vice of all that I needed to let go because I wasn’t being honest with them or myself. Here are the lessons learned…
Sacrifice
People only take what you give them. If you choose to sacrifice what you feel is most important then you cannot be mad at them for taking you up on the offer. They don’t know what is your best or your last. I sacrificed a lot because I wanted to. Because I truly cared and I wanted to the see them grow into the person I knew they were supposed to be. I saw things about them that even they hadn’t come to realize, and I felt my purpose was to be that catalyst and help them realize the royal bloodline that was waiting for them to take over. There is nothing wrong with this, but when you allow the term sacrifice to take away from what you want and need for yourself it becomes depleting and draining. Before you know it you end up in a place that you never intended to be and the reciever never knew it was happening or had a clue. You become a weaker and more vulnerable version of your normal self. But while you’re in it, you never realize what’s happening until the end draws near and your sight begins to restore. I made a mistake and I understand exactly why I did so. In him I felt the connection that I’d needed all of my life. Something I’d starved for. When you are starving you become desperate and will do anything to nourish that need and keep it there. Being emotionally starved isn’t fun and it makes you do things you normally wouldn’t do, sacrifice things you normally wouldn’t. Use solid reasoning and practice preservation of yourself. You’ll last a lot longer and keep those around that are most important to you.
Courage
The end was a painful process. As it neared I began to notice what was happening and I finally understood the truth. When you see the truth and understand that something or someone has a hold on you it is very difficult to simply walk away in order to get YOURSELF right. I tried, but every time I did I didn’t keep the courage long enough to let go and cut the cord. I second guessed myself and didn’t have faith enough in myself to understand that I was right, and the way I felt was justified. The most high can only show you so much, but when you are blinded by emotions they’ve summoned you rarely see or accept the truth. It is only when the emotions fade and reality is restored that you understand that sacrifice does not mean sacrificing the essence of who you are. People very rarely ask you to give up your soul unless they are the devil. He was never that and I gave freely – I just needed the courage to say what I felt without being afraid of losing something in the process. No matter how hungry you are or pray for help. Just as the most high listens to your prayers, so does the most low, lol. I’ve prayed for help all of my life, it always came. It just didn’t come in the way I wanted it to and in a lot of cases was a decoy. Because of that I felt dissatisfied which caused me to desperately search for fulfillment. I just wanted to eat, be happy, be full. Honestly, the process of breaking away has been long and rough. I tried during my ‘detox’ but I just couldn’t let go of that aspect of our relationship. I tried to undo every thought and emotional thread I’d used to weave a cloak of ignorance. Ignorance in a sense that I was giving too much. Too much time, resources, myself…to my own detriment. But when you wish and hope that things will be different despite the way they are you invest to facilitate change, not accepting what is being put before you and was there all along. I’d twisted a chord between him and I so tight that cutting it would require a lot more effort and hurt than untwisting each piece one by one. I didn’t realize that it had to be all or nothing at this time. But it got to the point where I saw the truth and myself in it everyday and it made me cry…ALOT. The truth of what I felt was rejection and not being wanted or desired the way it used to be. I hid it from most because I knew I was not loving myself enough to walk away from a situation that wasn’t what I wanted. I just accepted it because I was so damn hungry and would do anything to get fed. Even if it was morsel by morsel and I was never fully satisfied. Always have the courage to speak up, you’ll be pleasantly surprised at how different things can or could have been.
Faith
I held on for so long because I had faith that things would change, that I would be the last one standing and finally receive the reward for my sacrifice and effort. That reward being love, acceptance and most importantly to be full every single day with the joy in knowing that the goodness of my heart would finally put me where I wanted. I wouldn’t starve another day in my life. But where was the faith and respect in myself? Putting your faith in anything external is dangerous and can end up in disaster. That puts pressure on people and yourself which is never fair. You have to be careful and above all keep faith in yourself enough to know that the most high speaks to you and you are worthy enough to hear. He/She tells you everything you need to be full and never hungry without relying on someone else to feed you with a slave mentality. You are worthy enough to receive everything spiritually that a religious figure can. You are no different, you just need faith enough to listen and move. Whether it’s nowhere, somewhere or somewhere else for a moment or lifetime. Just listen.
Acceptance
I was wrong on a number of levels and I knew it. My issues and lack of love for the majority of my life put me in a fantasy bubble, where I was unwilling to accept things as they were, evaluate them, determine if they were the best for me, and walk if I needed to with courage and faith. I always say that good people are not excluded from the woes of life just because they have a good heart. We are a product of our decisions, and that is why I accept responsibility for letting things go as far as I did and concealing my feelings. I accept him for who he is even though he is now gone, and I accept the fact that who he is is not right for me in that regard. I just wasn’t able to accept that he wasn’t in love with me like I wanted him to be, but he gave me everything I needed to facilitate that feeling – none of it was tangible. Acceptance applied with courage and faith gave me what I needed to understand that I was giving too much of everything when I felt there wasn’t an equal exchange. I was wrong in that sense because in reality he gave me exactly what I needed.
Sometimes we don’t always get what WE want out of a situation, but we always get what we need. He’s one of the main reasons why I started this blog, which has become one of the most fulfilling projects I’ve ever done. As a result it has created a wealth of opportunity that continues to push me along as the writer that I knew I was but never had the courage or faith enough in myself to be. For that I accept the new season and am thankful for the last and the role he’s played in my life.
Giving
We give a lot to a lot of different things each day. We give our attention and focus to what we need to but most often what we want to for pleasure or whatever it is that we FEEL we need. For me, I wasn’t giving myself the respect and love that I sought from outside sources and people. I wasn’t giving myself credit for the great woman I was and the value that I brought to myself and lives of others by just being me. Spending the majority of your life in giving mode because you feel it is better than taking is a hard habit to change. I didn’t have a balance of the two. My independence and pride kept me foolish in a sense that I didn’t teach myself how to ask or speak up. I just gave hoping that they would follow the lead. It is a dangerous habit and we all must set limits in order to reserve energy and time for ourselves. This situation taught me an important lesson in the art of giving and how it should be applied to our everyday lives. It is ok, but never at your own expense. Its not fair to you nor them when you are not honest in terms of what and how much you can give. People accept what you give but you have to set the limits, not them.
Forgiveness
I hope he understands that I’m not mad at him despite my blast of frustration and anger because the reality he was trying to show me was one I couldn’t accept and in turn burst my bubble. In this case it was only after it was too late. People only do what you allow them to and at the time I felt like he was all I had so…I let him do and control the situation just to keep what I thought was right for me. I wasn’t doing things on my terms. I was too weak to be assertive so I just accepted what was being given. I did what I thought was right and tried to put that part of us aside because the friendship meant so much more. For that I am sorry and I never meant to lie, but it was only to hide a truth that I knew he didn’t want and that I prayed each night would go away. I didn’t want to think of him as the lover I’d spend the rest of my life with anymore, I just wanted to be his friend and move on in my quest for love. Thoughts become things right? Didn’t work this time lol.
I was so angry at myself for not accepting a truth he painfully reminded me of whenever I tried to discuss my feelings. The history of anger is long. I was angry at the person that I felt abandoned me at the most impressionable years of my life that in turn created the life I live today. I was angry because I felt disadvantaged and left to learn love essentials by trial and error. I never had an example, I never knew what was right and what was wrong. I just had to figure that shit out, eat or get eaten. The bite marks are big. And on top of that I didn’t feel good about myself because if I were so good he wouldn’t have left along with the others. I was pissed for putting myself in compromising situations just to figure it all out. That was all I wanted to do. Figure it out so I could teach my seed and give them 10 up on the game which would be 10 more than what I ever had. I was thinking about how this anger affected me and how it showed its ugly face to the source of the moment. Everything I said was how I felt right or wrong, but the great blow up lacked grace and ownership. Honestly I wanted to make things bad enough so they couldn’t be undone and I could go on knowing that I’d never be able to go back to it again. I wanted the bridge to burn in an inferno of harsh words and resentment because of how I felt. I went back and explained myself calmly because that’s just me. I never like to leave someone I cared about on a bad note. Even though the bridge cannot be crossed ever again, I know that I could see them on the other side and wave ‘hey’ instead of flicking a hearty ‘fuck you’. I just wanted to take accountability for the mistakes I’d made as well as offer a sound piece of advice and explanation to someone I knew deserved and had the capability of being better. I wish people in my past would have told me why. Maybe I wouldn’t have felt the way I did. Maybe I wouldn’t have done the things I’d done repeatedly. But if it were meant to be a different way it would have been. So out of all of this I’ve learned to forgive myself for the mistakes I’ve made and the events that transpired because of them. With that I am ok.
Pushing Forward
It’s hard to continue with business as usual when you feel like someone you were divinely connected to is suddenly a distant memory. When they were the person you talked to and exchanged the inner most parts of yourself with every single day. When you are in the moment you think they will be there forever. But the only thing that’s forever is the soul that dwells within you. Any external factor is there to strengthen the soul in order to carry out your duties as an angel here on earth. Even though I felt like I had gambled my last dollar and lost, I’d gained my courage and faith in order to push forward with forgiveness and hope. Hope…something I will have to work at restoring because all I’ve gotten and seen from the men in my life was wrong. Partly because I made the wrong choices. But I know that my strength is great and I can’t deter from the path I was put on to accomplish what I came here to accomplish. With every day I take another step forward regardless of how painful, and with faith in myself that I can make the right decisions for myself and my family. Although it took longer than expected, my detox is finally complete and I move on in love, not hate.
…I aint mad atcha and even if we never see each other again, the lighthouse is never too far away.
-black girl.
So…I signed up to get daily inspirational emails about a year ago and there have been times when the daily words are so relative to a particular day and way I’m feeling that it’s eery. I want to start sharing them with you guys in hopes that you get a little inspiration and uplift too! Here’s one that came today 
“You’ve made a lot of friends throughout your life, and you’ll be making a lot more. You can be very proud of this. But you can safely multiply that number by 7 to reveal the minimum number of secret admirers who’ve loved you from afar; by 100 to approximate the minimum number of people you’ve inspired; and by 10,000 to uncover the least number of lives yours has improved. And this… I’m very proud of.”
-black girl.
Filed under: Political Pleasures | Tags: akon, big boi, change, dj drama, obama, video
okay, okay. I like the positive stance he’s taking in politics. It’s the first single on his new album which I haven’t looked up much info on but I’m sure it will be dope. THIS IS THE “A” BABY! lol
But then again there’s always something positive that comes out of truth, no matter how painful it may be. I just hope that people are not looking to celebrities and influencers on a massive scale for answers. It’s not easy out there, and I think Obama is only a vehicle to facilitate change within ourselves thus impacting the world. He’s not our savior, we all have the power within ourselves to do what needs to be done. Just don’t take the easy or the lazy way out.
-black girl.
