Black Girl In The City.


Bitch Rant of the Week!
March 1, 2008, 8:01 pm
Filed under: Bitch Rants

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Sometimes I hate being a chick.  Dealing with the emotional ups and downs of whatever is happening in my mind at the moment can be draining.  I try to keep my sack tight and man up, but there are days when I’m just…a chick or a bitch. 

 I’ve made a conscious decision to hide out for a while, maybe till spring…get some work done instead of spending time on the scene all that tough.  It’s hard to avoid nightlife when it’s so closely associated with what I do.  Gotta break bread and show my face, can’t be too good to be on the scene ya know?  Something about the nightlife to me though, seems to be an illusion and even though I’m there I feel like I’m in a bubble of well…realness and truth. LOL.  3 or four shots of Patron or a puff of the dro usually sets me right – but being a social alcoholic and druggie isn’t healthy for anyone.    Everybody pretends to be something they are not and it can be draining.  People do senseless things for the sake of popularity and acceptance and I admit, I was one of those dumb ass idiots in my early twenties.  But now, as I push 30, I’m feeling a little mixed about people here.  Sometimes I really just want to leave, move away from all of these mother fuckers and gain a sense of solidarity – something I can’t have here.  But my roots rest in the A, and my family depends too much on me to just get gone.  I guess I’m in dire need of something new.  New people, new friends, new dudes…dudes…ugh.  

Shall we talk about the dating scene?  Maybe I should leave this subject alone but I won’t because it’s my blog and it has a purpose.  I am the first one to preach about good energy and attracting people that are good for you, but it seems like nobody’s good.  At first I blamed my insatiable talent for attracting the wrong men at the wrong time on the circles I’m accustomed to, a certain kind of guy – but now I know that’s the farthest from the truth.  I’ve dated everyone from the single dad, to the celebrity, to the local celebrity, to the wannabe celebrity fooling everyone but me, to the white guy who knew nothing about black people but only knew black women tasted so good, to the Italian to….you get the point.  All around shits wack.  

I’m the overly analytical type, always trying to decipher the whys behind the what’s and the what fors…including myself.  Yea I thought it was me.  So I did one of those whole self reflection jigs.  It actually did me some good as I became more aware of my habits and common denominator pit falls as it relates to interacting with men.  So, I’m not perfect and none of us are, but I do feel that I’m an asset over a liability.  My girlfriends experience the same issues and are bright, successful, independent, some of them more so on their game than even I.  We’re apart of the elite group of women that thrive on supporting ourselves, and would be the chick that pays for dinner and drinks on the first date if only for the sake of demonstrating that we are the last to ask anyone for SHIT. But, men lie for no reason whatsoever, and when there’s so much choice and pickins here, why spend time dating someone and investing your $$ or whatever else when you can get a good fuck, a home cooked meal and maybe even a pair of new shoes without having to do a damn thing?  Desperate women do desperate things and I’m not one of those.  So what do you do?  Lower your standards for the sake of companionship or stick to your guns and sit at home on a Friday night because you don’t wanna do sumthin with your homies or alone?  Thus my bitch rant for this week.  I, and probably a lot of other women out there, are sick of being alone because we feel good about ourselves and know that we are worth SOMETHING and won’t settle for anything.  Hell, the guy I depended on for strictly sex and friendship isn’t even reliable enough for that.  I love him like a bro regardless but I would like to hang out a little at least.  So yea I gotta get the fuck outta here for a while because harboring this type of energy isn’t good and can become cancerous.  I feel like I’ve dated just about every eligible dude in this city and I’m still not feelin it.  Whether I’ve dealt with them personally or not I know about the cess pool of unnecessary lies and deception.  I will save the GAY and ON THE LOW issue for another day because whether we like to face it or not that shit is real.  There’s a reason why hetero black women are leading the game in new AIDS cases every year.  You do the math.  

 I guess I just need change, a fresh start.  Sitting at home by myself on the weekends because I’m stubborn as hell is getting ridiculous. I smell a whole gang of traveling coming this year!  I think I’ll start my hopping with L.A. to catch up with old buddies and new clients. New surroundings may help me to tolerate the bullshit I see going on around here and maybe even miss my fellow ATLiens.  Or maybe not lol.  Fuck it.  Maybe I’m just having a bad day.  

 -black girl.

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