Black Girl In The City.

Losing MY F&@!$% Mind!!
March 6, 2008, 6:30 am
Filed under: Matters of the Heart.


 {The oh so fabulous Paula Michelle and friends kicking it at Snoop video shoot, cutting a fool like real ladies do!  If you don’t know about Paula pay attention.  Soon you will!}


Wow, this week has been a crazy one indeed.  Which explains my slackin on the blogmackin.  I toyed with the idea of doing this for that very reason but truth be told, I have to write like I have to breathe.  I mean, I write all day but specifically on the creative tip I must do this for me.  I’ve realized that if I don’t create I get evil, cranky, pissed off or whatever…back to the losing my mind part…lol.


I swear I don’t know what the hell is going on with me and I can’t put my finger on it.  It’s not like a bad thing, kinda uncomfortable, stressful yea.  In my personal attempt to figure out WHAT THE HELL is going on, I’ve subsequently retreated to my hiding place.  Realistically life isn’t conducive to hiding whenever I want.  I speak of hiding in the sense of retreating mentally, slowing down just enough to give myself time to think about…me.  If you’ve been reading you already know the deal.


Creature of habit.  Comfortable with the concrete and definite.  Black and white are my two middle names.  I’m working on trading them both in for grey, it gets better.  I thought about seeing a therapist to maybe talk things out and get to the bottom of my erratic moods and thought process, inability to focus or whatever but opted to call my granny instead.  Graceful and hella fly, my granny puts the D in Diva, the E in Eloquence and the W in wisdom.  She’s a fly chick.  Even as a little girl I remember her whispering tidbits of wisdom in my ear.  She mainly spoke in parables but the old soul in me always knew and was always listening. Anyway I spoke to her this evening.  This is for the most part how the conversation went…filled in the blanks so it makes sense to the outside mind.


DELETE DELETE….that shit was kinda boring. Lol


I left the conversation understanding a bit more about my state of mind…I’m changing, I don’t know what the future holds, I’m growing to new heights and I’M SCARED AS SHIT.  Yea yea before you say, oh positive thinking begets positives things shut the hell up. I have to say that this IS something positive because out of all the things I’m learning in the process, I’m learning to tell myself the truth.  To face it head on and stop ignoring the nagging nip nips at my heels that ultimately drive me to pure psychosis..  See, I’m the kind of chick that wants to know everything, the direction, the details, what’s the plan and how are we getting there and what are the benefits of doing this and why what why how why why and STFU Yo!  Bottom line is, I don’t know.  And for someone like me that’s a hard pill to swallow.  Most days I don’t even know who my next kiss or warm embrace will come from (outside of my offspring of course) J.  I don’t know if I’ll ever get married, I don’t know how I will get out of this city if I ever decided to leave.  Will I cross over easy when I die?  Will God get in my grill for every little lie I told and all the candy I stole in middle school?  I don’t know where I want to go next in my professional career, and I just hired a business development director for my private company and don’t know what the fuck to tell him!   I just press send on an email riddled with eight paragraphs and millions of megs of paperwork.  I asked him, “Do you have a printer?”  He said yes but I don’t think he actually understood the tons of shit I was about to dump in his in-box lol. 


I don’t know what car I will drive next or if I will meet my goals for the year.  I don’t know where this road I’m on will take me, or if I’m even doing everything I’m supposed to be doing to keep it tight and right.  I don’t know if the weed man will EVER call me back or if I’ll find another good one to replace his wack ass.  Not knowing is my deepest fear.  And I don’t care what anyone says.  You can pray and go to church every day of the week and seek God, but the bottom line is that NONE OF US KNOW not even the professional motivational speaker you call Pastah.  People I deal with on a daily basis would never sense that about me though.  A good actress admits she is doing well and *snap snap* FAAABULOUUS!  All the while sneaking :30 second outbursts of tears and Kleenex sniffles at her desk praying nobody walks by and asks the dreaded, “What’s wrong.” Ugh.  People that know me see someone organized and on her game.  Taking care of her babies by herself with grace and unimaginable parental wisdom.  Handling business.  They call her “Boss lady”, “Wall street” and some of other, but If they only knew how many tears boss lady has cried in the past two weeks, buggin out on the brink of  age 30…seeming to have everything but a fuckin clue and a helping hand.  And THAT pisses me off.


So throughout my schizophrenic behavior and friends closest probably thinking WTF?!  I’ve realized my own truth.  I know this isn’t just for me but for a lot of women out there I know are probably going through the same thing.  Let’s share shall we?  Let’s. lol


“Life is it what is.  As long as you stay connected to the spiritual being that’s watching over you every second of the day you can REEELAX.  The beauty of life is not knowing.  And it’s not that you’re losing your mind, it’s that you are feeling the growing pains of embarking on all things new in your life path that was pre-written.  Change may not be the easiest pill to swallow, but it’s the most constant thing in the world.  So when it comes take deep breaths, wipe your face and push through as you dance in the beauty of not knowing everything…but just knowing that everything will be okay.  Be easy.”


Here’s to counting every single blessing and sniffing the fresh air of change every chance we get.  Glasses up ladies!  Now take it to the head.  (or smoke one instead)

  -black girl.



1 Comment so far
Leave a comment

I understand that feeling…it’s hard wearing the crown

Comment by Method to the Happiness

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s