Filed under: Matters of the Heart.
Yesterday was a day from the pits of Hades. So much so that I’ve actively begun planning my much needed summer vacation. I don’t know who’s going and if Brazil may even be the place to plan for but…regardless I gotta get the heck up outta here for a minute! I’d been up most of the night reflecting on the things that had transpired hours earlier. Spent a little bit of the insomnia penning thoughts over a blank page that I thought would be my next post…but I’ll be damned if I lost the file, lol. Everything happens for a reason and some things are better left understood than said. I’ll just spend this entry talking a little about what I’ve learned. If you get something good out of my sharing then hey…all the bettah!
The flame broiling answer to the question that has plagued my life for past 8 or 9 months has finally emerged. Yes, there is a point where you have to pull away from downward spiraling people and situations. Even if they are family. I know I’m being vague but the bottom line to it all is that I have to know when enough is enough, if not for me for the little souls I’ve been entrusted to protect. I now know where that line has to be drawn and more importantly, how to stand behind it with authority and trust in my own decisions without remorse or guilt.
People & Purpose
We sat a alongside a dark church. It was a one way street. I was tired of driving in circles with him. Literally and figuratively. What I thought would be just the escape from my other drama turned out to be one of those enlightining situations. And honestly, I really wasn’t in the mood to think about or be enlightened on shyt after the day I’d had. I just wanted to have fun and enjoy the moment but dealing with B was never that simple. There was some kind of intellectual tie that went beyond what I could understand or grapple with most times. As I listened to his attempts to explain his why’s and what for’s, I blinked slow. In the midst of that one blink I’d opened my eyes to realize that purpose outweighs any personal agenda, and it will have it’s way whether we like it our not. I was tired of fighting purpose for the sake of my own pleasures and wants. The phuked up part about all of it is that I’d manage to get emotionally intertwined in the process while somehow lying to myself through it all. At that moment I had to make my choice. To either do what I knew I should be doing, or to do what I wanted to do for the sake of a temporary fix that played no part in the ultimate purpose of he and I. I’d known all along…everything he was telling me and trying his best to communicate. I was mad at myself for not following the rule book of things a man must do to win your heart. A set of fictitious rules that by believing made the ongoing lie to myself easy, “He’s not do anything he needs to do to win the attention and energy he has of you right now so it aint shyt. Ya’ll are just cool.” See, there was a concrete formula to it all in my world – and if that formula wasn’t followed then it nor he wasn’t for me and I could enjoy the situation for whatever I wanted it be, just nothing heavy. I was supposed to be in control and know the deal with my feelings at all times. But, disguised as a friendship with benefits, I was totally swept off my feet by someone that didn’t do shyt I wanted them to and everything that I didn’t want them to do. An unexpected slip up of choice that we both knew was there but chose to avoid addressing. One person not knowing what to do with it because of the stage they were at in life, and the other knowing what to do but not having the will enough to actually pull away. I’d realized at that moment that it is possible to fall for someone because of who they are, which could very well have nothing to do with what they do or how they do it. A wierd awakening but I think I handled it well. Normally if I don’t get things the way I want from situations or people I bail out. Which technically speaking, I should have ran the other way a long time ago! lol But B has taught me to do the exact opposite by growing with the people in my life I’ve connected to for reasons I don’t know of – only that they are for good. Learning to understand the purpose behind the person and role I play in it all was a key lesson I needed to learn. The epiphany was clear even it did come through periodic moments of silence and a game of monopoly at 1:30 in the morning…
Now I know that after yesterday I can breathe a lot better knowing that I got everything out of it that I needed to continue on my path of growth and improvement. I quietly backed away from a toxic family crisis with the big picture in mind. I was reminded of what’s most important in my life and that “I” deserve to be on that same high priority list. I accepted purpose over agenda and put myself aside because I didn’t want to lose the friend that at times drove me batty! I learned that maturity, support and understanding is best demonstrated through action and assertive belief. I won’t lie, I kinda bugged out in the car on the way home and I know he thought I was trippin haha. But I also knew that I’d wake up today with the same friend as yesterday because he understood the purpose behind the person and her abstract thoughts…and loaned just enough trust to show her a truth that was ultimately a part of both of thier growth whether she wanted to see it or not. Can’t be mad at that!
(Thanks for the soundtrack. Radiohead kept the pen fly! You rock J )
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