April 25 marks the day I turn 30. It’s the coolest thing ever because I’ve made it this far in spite of all of my circumstances and mistakes. My life of unicorns, rainbows and rumplestilskins could be described as a crazy saga of ill happs, beautiful lessons, weed, sex, alcohol..you know, lol. I vowed to tell the truth in this blog because I know that through my truth others can relate, connect and hopefully be inspired. This is about a black girl’s journey to self, not imitation sugar sprinkled on bullshyt pie. If that’s what you want, sorry.
I’m not gonna lie; my mood hasn’t been the best over the past weeks approaching my triple deck mark. I;ve been a nightmare to myself! Lol Been kinda distant from my friends, avoiding any and all birthday plans and phone calls sitting on the floor in my closet chain smoking blunts…anything to avoid the unavoidable. I’ve running with quick speed like a crack head on red bull trying to keep busy from myself. Introspects have a tendency to pick and dissect mentally. Wise individuals indeed, but that shyt can drive you crazy sometimes. I’ve been totally exhausting myself just so I can crash hard every night and avoid my own pillow thoughts. My feelings I chose to ignore hoping they would subside because I knew I figured I was ‘just trippin’ again. On some emotional shyt. This too shall pass I openly profess every morning.
Wanna know something real? That shyt hasn’t and I’m pissed off about some things that I need to address. I realize that at this time I’m not just in one of my moods or depressed for whatever reason. My inner truth is speaking to me. A voice that started as a whisper, “You know what you need to do.” Hard-headed black girl wants to be superwoman so inner truth says, “Bytch you better listen.” No more whispers. “It’s time to pay attention if you truly want to be happy cause you know you aint. Stop frontin B!” Honestly, deep at the core of it all I am not fulfilled. My job is a blessing, the people I work with are good, but I don’t belong here. It was a season intended to stabilize my life and give me a sense of direction. A place to thrive and push, figure out what it really is I need to be doing on this earth. Although my analytical skills and ability to think strategically has gotten me far in the belly of the corporate beast, I don’t wanna be here anymore and I need to figure out a way to move forward without the beast boo boo’ng me out realizing that I really have no passion for this. Some days I do just enough work to get by, polar opposite of my normal swag which would be above and beyond, back flips and rave praise. Beasts pet. Man, phuck that. I gotta get this right.
I’m loyal and integral. Very. These are my everyday goals yet they have often led to my own detriment in the past. To remain true to my promises and be the person that others need has kept me stagnant in some areas of my life. Wanting to do you isn’t much of an option if you’re a RESPONSIBLE parent that adores your family and are willing to do what it takes to keep it in tact. My girls don’t have a father figure and my willingness to choose life has left me with the ultimate task of giving them the benefits of a two parent home as much as possible. There’s noting that can equate to the presence of a good and honorable black man in their lives, but I do what I can with what I have and pray the rest works itself out.
On some selfish shyt though? I really just wanna skate in my rink of promise and purpose with pink hot pants, a fly tee, gold bangles, perfect eyebrows and a sexy hair cut. But right now I’m walking down Bankhead wondering where the hell the trap man is so I can get a ride to the rink that I have no idea how to get to.
Bottom line it’s time to do what I need to do to foster my creative soul and live for my passions and dreams. Writing, art, photography…I starve for creativity and do what I can to express it and in turn satisfy my fix, hence this blog among other things. But now it’s getting to the point where my plush job is getting in the way, sucking up my time and energy leaving little left to dedicate to my crusade. I realize now that it’s not about WANTING to be a full time writer and business owner, it’s not about WANTING to build my company to the point of emancipation and freedom, it’s not about WANTING to strengthen my design skills or offer my creative brain and ideas to the world and tasting a satisfaction in my work greater than sex. It’s not about WANTING to give more and want less…live a lot and wish a little…love reciprocally and cry less. All of things I NEED. Truth: ’ll never be 100% satisfied until MY needs are met.
Something you didn’t know about me…
I’ve spent my entire life raising children. An adolescent mother at 14, I’m glad my daughter was given to me vs. a teen mom irresponsible and selfish. My old soul and sense of responsibility has gotten me through the worst in order to maximize on the best. Motherhood came naturally and my girl had everything she needed. With the help of my family I was able to finish high school and start college. Silly me, still on that “I need a daddy replacement” shyt, I got pregnant AGAIN, lol. I laugh because from the outside it may seem like a mistake twice, but really God saved me with my youngest. I was on a downward spiral to nowhere and needed something to set me right. Being given a second child (something so major) should tell you how phucked up I was around 20 years old. So, as you can imagine I’ve spent most of my life making sure my girls had everything they needed and most of what they wanted. I sacrificed with sweat and rich blood, did a lot of things I really didn’t want to do for the sake of them. Now I’m exhausted. I’ve literally done this alone in terms of being responsible and cultivating my little flowers into beautiful, young, respectable black women. Ironically I’m turning 30 when my eldest is at the same age I was when I had her. My inner truth confirms this coincidence as a message, “It’s time. Your girls are at the age where they can be independent and intelligent enough to understand that it’s your time to cultivate your life and live for you. To truly love on you.” I’ve been getting to it ya know? Slowly but surely.
I’m thanking the most high that I’m past the point of just surviving. We are doing well and I feel like today officially marks my ability to take steps toward living the life I NEED to live. Not an easy feat because my girls need me there and are still babies (for the most part lol) – but I’m willing to do what I have to do so I can just be happy. That’s all that matters right now and I realize that my life is depending on this.
If someone asked me what makes me happy I honestly couldn’t tell them a straight answer because I never took the time to think about it. Joke’s over black girl! I’m about to go in a totally different direction and shock the shyt out of most, except for my true friends that have been telling me what I didn’t want to hear all along. It took my 30 years to listen to truth but at least I’ve done it. Now it’s time to figure all of this out. And that truth be told, I’m willing to tear ALL of this shyt I’ve built down just to get to the heart of it all.
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