Black Girl In The City.


Facing Reality Pt. 1: Family
May 29, 2008, 12:43 am
Filed under: Family Matters, Therapy Sessions | Tags:

 

I’m taking a class later this month entitled, “CREATING A VIBRANT FUTURE WITH OUR PARENTS AND FOR OURSELVES”.  It’s being taught by a 30+ year mid-life specialist.  I guess that qualifies me eh? Lol.

 

So, a large part of my days have been spent facing things I normally avoid, not realizing how many freakin problems and stress I create for myself unnecessarily.  My goal this week was to pick one thing, and one thing only to face head on without turning the other way.  Hence me taking this class so that I can learn about and develop a plan for taking care of my mom in her older days.  I felt a twinge of fear when I read the heading because I knew that her struggles with her health and mental well-being would only increase and get worse over time. 

 

You haven’t heard me talk much about my family because it’s a pretty sensitive topic.  On the real, shyt can be really phuked up sometimes and I feel like I’m the parent and sole person responsible for a 50 year old mom and a 20 year old brother that has no real example of what a black man should be.  These two people have caused me so much stress, anger and at times loss in my own life that I have totally detached myself emotionally and in a lot of ways physically from them.  I’m not sure if I can ever get the emotional and paternal connection with my mom back.  I care for her, but I can’t remember the last time I hugged her for real for real.  There’s a numbness there. 

 

My sense of family is kinda phuked up.  I pretty much keep to myself, me and my daughters, and we make moves as a unit together.  Just us.  I’m the one that could really care less about getting together on holidays or birthdays or whatever because that shyt really doesn’t mean anything to me.  I’d much rather be doing something else.  A ‘holiday’ is just another day.   I know all of this comes from somewhere but I never really asked myself why I didn’t get excited when the opportunity to gather as a family group came about.  That could be a number of reasons…

 

Perhaps it’s because I have no real sense of home really?  I don’t even claim Atlanta as my native spot despite me being here for so long. I was born on a military base in NC, my dad was a gunnery Sgt and I think the Marines made him phukin crazy lol (in a funny way).  I know nothing about my birth place let alone where it is.  We spent my entire childhood moving around the country and abroad.  Kicking it for 6 months to a year, and then we’d be out.  Anyone I’d even begun to call friend became an instant memory, only with them you couldn’t add water and stir it with a spoon to make it all fluid again.  They were gone forever.  I wasn’t close to my dad, and the things I did see of him where things no black girl should ever see in the home but, whatever.  My mom was no saint either and whom I often times feel was the catalyst in the majority of their battles.  Regardless, I honestly don’t feel like I can pick up the phone and rely on them to be there for me when I need them…even if it’s just getting a break from the kids or an ear to listen.  I remember one time I got drunk and sent my pops a long email just talking about my life and what was going on.  About the men I’d dated, his granddaughters that don’t know him, and just random shyt about the drama that my mom’s and lil bro were going through.  At the end I put, “Just thought you might like to know how your old family was doing.”  Nevertheless, I feel as though I have no safety net in family.  I fall, oh well.  Do you know how scary it is to live your life feeling like you have no foundation of support?

 

Regardless of that reason and the others I won’t get into, I am who I am.  And now I am faced with the haunting reality that I’m going to have to make sure my mom is straight and that this is kinda urgent.  I need to start putting these things in order now so she’s not stuck in some home somewhere wallowing in her own poop for days.  Not gonna happen.  It’s scary because both she and my brother depend on me so much.  Too much.  My mom emotionally a lot of times.  Sometimes she just calls to talk to me about whatever and I’m just holding the phone.  I give her more life advice than she does me!   She tells people I’m her best friend and I wanna say, “I’m not your phukin best friend so stop telling people that crap!”  How shyty of me to think that huh?  I have four children and no best friend anywhere in that equation.  Some days I don’t even answer my phone because I know somebody needs something and honestly I don’t feel like helping anyone with shyt anymore.  The last time I sacrificed space in my home, my time and my money they phuked me over and did it raw.  It was affecting me and my girls so adversely that I had to step away. 

 

Yes, we all go through things as a family but with mine and those two, it’s a vicious cycle.  It’s like they act first, think later, and then call on me to clean up the messes they’ve made.  It’s been this way all of my life with my mom especially.   All is cool, then it’s not, and then you are made out to be the bad person because you had to draw the line, even though you were the only mofo that was around to help their asses when the griddle got hot.  Then, when the iron cools down…they’re happy again and want to come around and spend time with me and the girls like everything is cool.  What the FUCK!  I can forgive all day, but when you do the same shyt so many times how can I forget?  Because of this I have become emotionally withdrawn from the both of them for my own sake and well being.  I have an issue with that and to me it’s abusive when it turns into a cycle that has run rampant all of my life. 

 

I think that this last incident that spanned the course of 6 long months with my mother, father and brother has really put me in a place where I’ve pulled the plug and have said phuk it.   But how can you do that when it’s ‘Family’?  As much as I want to be left alone they still show up unannounced at my crib at 9am or want to hang out ‘just because’.   At this point I want to be done but I can’t.  Both of them rely on me so heavily that it’s upsetting and the stress kills me at times.  My attempts to break away don’t do much good when they know how to find me and how to get into my gate even if I don’t answer my phone.   Lol.  Which leads me to the truth that I, JUST I, will be the sole person responsible for taking care of my mom in an even greater capacity as she gets older.  She’s got some serious issues, as we all do, and she’s working on them and I support…but I know that she won’t be in the position to fend for her own when that time comes.    If I had loot I’d just buy a house and let her do as she pleased.  But that’s not reality.  Reality is that I have the worries of two little girls that I’m fending for on my own, and one hitting college in 4 years.  My problem is that I want to help everyone I can, but I’ve realized that my generosity has made me a sitting target for manipulation and an easy way out.  When I stand up for myself I get shyt from 1999 thrown back in my face topped with a…”Don’t forget where you came from.”  I wanna say, “Do you even know where you’re phukin going?”

 

 

 

I’m sure this class will help me put things into perspective and exercise the options that I’ll have when my mom becomes my sole responsibility but…where does that leave me? 

 

The burden is heavy.

 

-black girl.

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5 Comments so far
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I just had to comment on this because this almost eerily matches my own life except I have for the past 5 years completely cut off my mother because it would seem as if she had a vendetta against me. just know you are not the only one who has chosen to cut them off so you can grow. My kids (15 and 9) always ask “Mommy did you do this when you were younger?” My answer is always ” Baby we are in uncharted territories here”.

Comment by 3 Piece

I too distance myself from family because of all the shyt that i have been thru with them. the diff is they dont come to be with anything but i was always the black sheep. i love my family dearly but i just dont feel like i belong. as soon as i turned 18 i moved away and never really kept in touch. i just had a baby and i now feel that is who i live for. but we all have a time in our life when we jsut have to say no. but nonetheless my mother will never suffer in a home. i will be the one to take care of her in her older days even though i was traeted like a step child. so just press on and dont make the same mistakes with your girls as your family did !!!!

Comment by ms key

Reading this post almost put me somewhere mentally that I don’t need to be – and that’s because almost three years ago, the dysfunctional and dependent relationship I had with my passive aggressive parents had me somewhere trying to end my life. After a bad divorce, I was a wreck emotionally and my family chose to not be supportive because it meant that would have to put some energy into it. I ended up homeless and hungry…and alone. I had never and would have never done my family this way, so I was very hurt by it all. My best friend finally told me to cut my losses and stop expecting my family to be something that they are incapable of being. He was right. It took some time, but I had to make a decision to separate myself emotionally and physically in order to overcome my circumstances. You’re right…how do you separate yourself from your family? Because they’re your family and so that doesn’t make sense. You know what? I don’t necessarily like the situation and I miss my family sometimes; however, the choice to let them go was the best option. I have learned more things about myself and become a better woman by supporting myself and learning to love me. I would have never gotten to this point had I continued the cycle of dysfunction with my family.

Comment by Dee

i just have to comment on this one ! i feel you i feel every single word you saying but keep your faith everything will be aight
i love your blog keep up the good work!!!

Comment by dae

I completely feel where you’re coming from with this post. My mother and father have this odd relationship all stemming from the same problem…they both want someone to take care of them. My dad was never much of worker thus never much of a provider and now at 60 he still must work to survive to make up for the laziness of his youth but has no ambition or goals on how to move farther in any position. When asked if he will work overtime he scoffs and laughing replies, “I don’t think so.” So sad. My mother after years of carrying this man wants nothing more to do with him but for one reason or another can’t seem to escape him. I love my dad. He was an attentive father if not a good husband but as his children are grown his worth as a father has lessened in the eyes of my mother as her…(their) children are raised. Now she looks to a husband who complains about her health care bills and prescription payments, who mocks her for being bipolar (it’s all CRAZY to him) and systematically dents her self-esteem and mental health. Now, I have told her time and time again to leave him…but as we have seen habits are hard to break…

Comment by T




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