Yea I am, today anyway. If I’ve learned anything about myself I’ve learned that I gotta express my feelings..good – bad – right – wrong. As long as I get it out and move on I think it’s ok to be pissy. It’s human, but awe man. I went back and read this thinking, “Wow. I was really on some hate shyt today!” It’s been a rough few days though. So…here’s my first OFFICIAL snap out of the year and you get to see what it looks like! Very scary (even to myself) and unbridled…which is why none of my dating prospects know that this is my blog, lol. It’s pretty raw so proceed at your own risk! I’m so serious. lol There’s always something to learn from someone who tells the truth. (sorry about the alignment and spacing, only had time to cut and paste.)
Home Girl: who did it now? LOL
Black Girl: unreliable ass n***s. Fuckin (blank’s) ass. He was texting me all night last night. As soon as I started being forward with him and telling him I was onto something else because he was boring me he started pawing and chasing shit. On some, “Oh I wanna make it up to you and blah blah.” So, last night he was like – oh let’s get together.
Home Girl: Men are just dumb as a box of rocks
Black Girl: I was like cool…so we couldn’t agree where to meet so I said just call me back and let me know. I fall asleep in my fucking clothes waiting for him to call back. He calls me first thing this morning on some, “Man I got so busy I couldn’t leave” shit. So you couldn’t text or call and say I’m busy and can’t leave?!? Earlier yesterday he asked me what I was doing for lunch today. I said I have plans but if yours are better I may reconsider.
Home Girl: for real, unless you’re a doctor in surgery that shit is rude
Black Girl: he’s like cool – let’s get something to eat. 12:00 was the planned time. It’s 12:45 and you see where my ass is sittin at. Here working. He ended our convo with ‘ok im setting my alarm now.’ I called this dude at 12:00 and 12:15 no answer. I don’t care if you are sleep and were up all night. If you’re tired cancel…but I wouldn’t sleep through my alarm if I knew I had a commitment. I’m just pissy right now. EVERYBODY is on some stupid ass unreliable wack shit.
Home Girl: Cut that one off and move on
Black Girl: The difference between him and B is that I will cuss his ass out and let him know BEFORE i move on. I’m tired of being fucking nice, gets you absolutely NOWHERE!
Home Girl: Yep, its crazy.
Black Girl: I just sent the rawest text message I’ve ever sent in my entire life. I think I’ve gone off the deep end for real this time.
Home Girl: What!? What did you say?
Black Girl: I said “You’re full of shit and just rude. Just like I fell asleep in my clothes last night and didn’t even get as much as a courtesy call. Sleep or not, u should always keep your commitments or at least follow up out of consideration. I don’t fuck with unreliable people and you fucked up my other plans today. Kick rocks and lose my phukin number dude. I don’t tolerate bullshit – and u would think that after I mentioned this issue last week you would be on point! Get your shit together. U just lost one.”
Home Girl: change his number to ‘do not answer’, its what I have all the ones I don’t talk to anymore as.
Black Girl: yea, I am so pissed off
Home Girl: I hate that.
Black Girl: PRETTY MUCH. I’m about to cry and shit because I’m so sick of this. And B keeps saying, the last few times I’ve seen him…”You got a lot of anger in your heart. You need to get rid of that, clean your pipes.” I’m thinking why, cause I’m not all honky dory with you today? He said the same thing when were out Sunday. AFTER he got off the phone making dates in my face? I understand the situation but I told you once told you twice, it is what it is and just play nice. Don’t do that shit around me. I’m human, not a phukin voltron ass dude with an ice box for a heart and a hard dick like you. Maybe i should be taking notes from his ass on how its REALLY done. This shit is interrupting my normally festive lifestyle.
And now that I think about it, hell yea I’m afraid I’ve become that angry ass black bitch that’s tired of putting up with bullshit from n***s. Like, how the fuck are you gonna say that I have anger issues? Hell yea I’m angry…I’m a good person that keeps getting fucked over for no reason but for pure selfishness of the other person. And I’ve never gotten as much as an apology from ANYONE! Not my pops, not father of my daughters, and not from any other substantial individual that did foul shit or indirectly hurt my feelings but new about it. Nobody has given me as much as 2 cents and said, “I’m sorry.” So yea…i have a lot to be angry about…maybe when they get their shit together and treat us as we should then I’ll be a lot better. But right now, I’m hurt with the condition and state of how black men and women deal with each other. When is somebody gonna take accountability somewhere? Bitches and hoes deserve that dumb shit…not sincere and caring people like us. Im phukin pissed -i can’t even go get lunch. I’m not even hungry.
Home Girl: Fucked up men never apologize and when they do its only to shut you up. My last experience left me kinda numb which is why I always keep a few fellas around that think I am the best thing since sliced bread. Last night felt really nice, its even nicer that he was once a (blank). I just enjoy the moment and don’t worry about the rest. I am focused on getting the hell on.
Black Girl: Fuck this shit. I’m not faking anything anymore. 30 years I’ve been forgiving and basically a doormat wanting to believe the best in people. I’m done on that shit. I’m speaking up for myself from now on and they can take it or leave it. On some ole, oh yea we can be cool and we can be friends (after I’ve tagged that ass a million times, had my feel, and can now let you go because you like me too much and I don’t want that burden.) Can someone PLEASE define the term FRIEND for me? Because last time I checked Friendship was a two way mutha fuckin street. I am so sick of getting railroaded by people just because I’m ‘Nice’ and a ‘good person’ and ‘beautiful on the inside and out” and because “i deserve the best’. If that’s the case then why don’t you treat me accordingly instead of pullin some dumb shit like last night? Fuck all of it. That’s it. Whether I’m right or wrong, I hate this shit and I hate the careless ways in which men deal with us. This is not a fucking game for the REAL women out there worth something.
Home Girl: Whoa. You mad today huh?
Black Girl: Man fuck all of it. I can’t care anymore cuz when you do you get your feelings hurt. And I’m not trying to hear shit about, “Oh well it’s the kind of guys you pick,” etc. That’s bullshit! I’ve dealt with some of every type of person out there and the bottom line is all the same. When it comes to you or them, and they are halfway decent looking and have options…you’re just a notch on the belt and nothing more. I’m not listening to no hype talk, no puffed promises, nothing. Keep that shit cuz I don’t wanna hear it. Deliver, or deliver your selfish ass on to the next dumb chick that will accept it. I think I’ve officially snapped. Like for real. I’ve been through so much yo, I’m surprised it took THIS long. But something deep inside always wants to believe in the best in everyone, but little suburbia girl has learned that gets you nothing but piss in your corn flakes.
Black Girl: Which was the very thing I was afraid of. What straight woman wants to have to handle her self like a n*** just to protect her feelings? I am focused on my career and my family…I turn down dates left and right. But I need balance. I’m not tryna get a free food or money or a pair Jimmy Choo’s. Why do they have such a hard time understanding that my intentions aren’t on that shit. I just want company and at least the illusion of monogamous sex. If you fuckin around, do so on your time, out of my ear shot and away from my social circles. If I don’t know about it I don’t give a shit cause Karma handles my unfinished business for me.
Black Girl: And on the real, I work too fuckin much and my girls take away the very life in me most days to the point I would NEVER say that I don’t need a companion – not even a boyfriend. agreements are cool with me without titles and Hell yea I need someone there. And that’s it. I don’t want your money or half of everything you own. They always assume we want something. Somebody to get along and have fun with, and allow things to be as they are on a FAIR playing field without the lies or withholding of info that you know would make us kick your ass to the street. Playing fair is so 1990. >:-|
Home Girl: Why turn down dates? Go out and make someone earn you so it doesn’t turn into a notch situation but you’ve at least gotten a good meal.
Black Girl: I don’t wanna be bothered by those guys. My time is so limited that I have to choose who I wanna spend it with. I’m not the kind of person to go out on a date with someone I’m not interested in just for a meal. I can buy that shit myself vs. being repulsed if he tries to touch my hand or pray he doesn’t try to kiss me at the end of our ordeal. I just don’t wanna be phukin bothered cause I have no time. Either I like you and wanna chill or I don’t.
Black Girl: I’m sick of having these same conversations with ALL of my damn girlfriends too. Hell, Sasha and I have gone out on dates with the same dudes that had no idea we knew each other. We only realized AFTER. Even though comparing notes and stories is funny as heck, I’m tired of hearing and talking about how we get sucked up by foul losers that front long enough to reel us in. Fake it till you get want. Bullshit. That’s how I know it’s not just me.
Home Girl: aw, it sucks. We’re all going through the same thing. I don’t know what the issue is and if there’s even a solution. It is what is, better learn how to deal with it and keep moving.
Black Girl: I’ve been dealing since I was 15. Bottom line is we shouldn’t have to. Evidently this behavior is being double stamped somewhere cause somehow I feel like we are treated like we are disposable.
Home Girl: We are. To them anyway. Why invest time and effort in women like us when there’s a decent looking chick down the street willing to suck dick, make homemade biscuits and give up the pussy without so much as knowing a last name? You should be mad at them too. They’ve conditioned cats, thus making the behavior acceptable and beneficial without ‘burden’ as you call it.
Black Girl: Oh well. I’m just mad at fuckin everybody them. Bitches, easy azz hoes and lazy inconsiderate and selfish black men. I hope somebody that isn’t fat, has sex appeal, swagg, great teeth, a working car, a job and his own place to stay AND APPRECIATES the value they have in women like us comes along soon. It’s looking grim cuz those fools are trippin or missing one of those basic requirements.
Home Girl: You forgot about the nice size cock and stroke ability. That too.
Black Girl: Yea that too. lol. penis gets me in trouble though. anyway I’ve wasted too much time on this. Now I’m gonna go wash my mouth out with soap and get on with my day. I haven’t gone off like that in a while.
Home Girl: Maybe you needed it. There’s growth in everything…I’m glad you’ve started speaking up for yourself and expressing what you want vs. taking what‘s given. This is definitely blog worthy!
Black Girl: Perhaps it tis! I’m on some hatin’ shyt today. I’m sure they’ll enjoy it. Lol
Now moving right along…
We learn something new about ourselves every day. I went back to my latest victim and apologized. Even though I am sometimes prone to spontaneous combustion, I’ve never blown up like that before…not like that. It makes me wonder if I’m making the right decisions when it comes to my choice in suitors. Honestly I don’t know which direction to go or what actions to take in order to change the flaw that I’ve yet to pinpoint. I don’t expect to hear from him again, but I’m woman of accountability who can admit and apologize for behaving outside of her character.
Who said it would be easy to raise your stock?
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