Black Girl In The City.


karmic lesson 1.1 : Understand forgiveness.
June 7, 2008, 9:15 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

 

 

I’ve learned a lot more about forgiveness.   I used to say, “I will forgive but I won’t forget so you won’t do me again.”  I’ve changed my position and really think now that the statement is false.  If you don’t forget what someone has done, how can you really forgive them?  What happens when people keep doing you and you build layers of memories that you refuse to let go of, thus keeping your guard.

 

I imagine it to be like something that grows harder and denser over time due to the layers added.  That’s enough to weigh the strongest man down.  So…how can you live and enjoy your life posted up behind some crusted nonsense of things you really need to forget so you can forgive?  It’s time to free my damn self lol. 

 

If you read a few entries back you’d know about the interesting dynamics of my family.  I’ve learned that when people get in desperate situations they’ll do anything to get by and it doesn’t matter who you are.  They’ll behave outside of their normal character and perhaps say or do things that are unwarranted to you and those around them. 

 

For those reasons I was forced to love them from a distance, which really wasn’t too much of love but more so a sense of responsibility.  I am their rock.  So to not help killed me because I am an innate giver.   Their experiences have definitely repeated themselves which means they would be trapped in the matrix until they learned their karmic lessons in order to move on to the next.   So I pretty much withdrew.  Not because I was not able to, it was because I didn’t want to enable destructive behaviors that eat away at the very core of your life until eventually it’s gone.   Have you ever tried to save someone drowning?  Life guards have to be professionally trained because when the drowner is in a panic, they will pull you down under water jacking both of ya’ll up!  Sink or swim away?   I made myself less available and I learned the importance of saying no.  Something I’ve never done in the past.  There are some things that must be left alone in order for growth to occur in that person.  I just prayed for them…that’s all I was instructed to do.

 

So you could imagine how much shyt I had piled on my back like a bag lady.  My 5’1 petite frame can’t hold much so you know a girl was hurtin.   The layers began building a long time ago and continued until I was eventually numb, emotionless.  Is assuming this role the easiest way or the easiest way out?   

 

Something happened to my lil bro last week that I think was the tipping point to epiphany in terms of forgiveness.  I’m still pretty traumatized by everything and without going into detail I’ll just say that he could have very easily lost his life.  Seeing him in such a horrible state made me forget everything that he’d done no matter how bad and boom.  The veil was lifted and compassion seeped back into my veins.  It was time to refurbish and make things right somehow.

 

In order to begin to rebuild something that is broken I’d have to forget some hurtful things to an extent.  This was the only way that I could rebuild my trust and compassion so I could be the daughter and sister that I know I can be to them.  The only difference is that this time around I’ll apply the importance of setting boundaries while remaining loyal to my own family and self in the process.

 

Sheddin that weight is a good thing indeed.

 

-black girl

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3 Comments so far
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Thank you for posting on forgiveness. Forgiveness with strangers can be easier sometimes than forgiving our own family. A book I thought you might be interested in called Alive!, and is based on this topic. What a wonderful read. It’s story shares hope, forgiveness, true love, and family struggles.

Comment by Melissa

I can really relate with this post. However my situation is slightly different. Im learning how to forgive an ex and letting go of the things we’ve done to each other. The hardest thing if taking myself out of the equation to allow both of us to grow. It’s easy to say with something that’s familiar but when you take a step back, you realize that you are actually enabling the growing process as well as the healing process. Kudos to you for realizing such a lesson.

Comment by Tee

well ive listened to some of the stories you’ve told me about your family situation, and honestly–it would be hard for anyone to come to this point of really wanting to forget the past so you can move on with a clean slate (though more cautious, as you said with boundaries). I honestly think most people turn their cheek to hard situations once they feel “burned” or betrayed, but actually learning to overcome those feelings for the greater good of the relationships involved–especially important family bonds–I think thats honorable.
But this is a good blog because everyone can relate, I think everyone is holding some type of grudge.
I hope things with your brother get better…hes so young, so he still has time to make a change. Lets pray he does.

Comment by Ray




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