Black Girl In The City.

expect as much as you give.
June 21, 2008, 11:31 pm
Filed under: Reflections of a Black Girl, The Fact of the Matter...

This is from my home girl Saba’s most recent shoot. Look out for her soon! She’s even doper than she looks.

I’m so glad that nobody has bought the condo under me yet. It means that I can pump my beloved music whenever I want. Like right now. Friday night, 3:48 am and counting. Go figure…my everyday steelo.

Thanks to all of you that checked in on me. I’m ok, just had to take an impromptu hiatus in order to get some things in check I apologize for not saying anything but really, I didn’t realize how much I’ve appreciated the support of strangers I’ve never met. You all encourage me to KEEP writing. Consistency is a weakness for me but I’m definitely getting better at it. Here’s an update on me…

I honestly feel like I have my guardian angel closer and guiding me in a stronger way than ever before. There’s only one issue. I listen, I hear what I’m supposed to do, and then I go directly against it if it is welded to something that I ‘want’ to do or have. That sets me back because I’m not following direction all of the time.

You wanna know a funny thing though? I’m good, truthful….I give to all of my friends and family whenever I can and whenever they need it. BUT. I don’t give to myself. That conclusion slapped my ass in the face earlier today. Somehow someway my DNA is constructed in a way that I am not like the person that feels better and happier when they are given things by others or gaining some sort of benefit. For me it’s the opposite. I feel happier when I give to others, and I’ll be honest with you…I don’t feel as good when I give to myself because I feel like I could be using that opportunity to help someone. Neglecting me. Had to take 10 Steps back again to get this shyt in check and get me right on this level. I need to get my power back and harness what I already have. I know this is an everlasting topic but hey, you’re just seeing me work through my life and its lessons.

So really I had to isolate myself in order to see the balance and embody what I’d learned. I had to stop feeling guilty about giving things to me…crazy as it sounds. I had to realize that everything in my life right now is supposed to be here and each of them has a purpose. What I haven’t done is extensively think about what those purposes may be. Been kinda haphazard in my thinking. :-\ With the exception of a key few, everything else falls into that category. As I realize these purposes I usually act on them because I know my roll. But the receiver may not know or even understand why the fuck their around you so much! Lol Slap number two: I should expect as much as I give. My go-go gadget I can do it myself attitude is the very thing that keeps my expectations in check…don’t expect a damn thing, but does that mean I can’t receive anything.

I think we should all be willing to communicate what we want. I don’t. I’m the kinda person that likes to avoid conflict at all costs so I tend to bottle my gripes or issues. That usually backfires to a point where I just blow up and dump all of it on the person. Man I wanna kick myself in the ass because I know I need to do this and I’m not trying hard enough to communicate my feelings without sparking an argument. I have to stick to my guns and know that I’m worth having anything and everything I want and shouldn’t accept mediocracy. Come on black girl…get your shit tight!

So, now you see what I’ve been up to! I know my willingness to share my own discoveries will help some of you. Honestly all I need right now in my life right now is my evolution. If whoever and whatever doesn’t want to have anything to do with that then I’m good.

-black girl.

*I’m bumping Nas’s ‘Phone Booth’ right now. Hottness yes but im really missing Faith Evans right now.


3 Comments so far
Leave a comment

black girl you were sorely missed. love the fact you are so forthright.

Comment by 3 Piece

you are absolutely right about expecting as much as you give. as black women we learn to take care of everyone else except ourselves and there are not always people around us who are in tune with what our needs are to help us keep it pushin. that is when we have to step up and do for ourselves. we might not always get what we want i am glad that you are focused on getting what you need 🙂

Comment by dot

this is so on point because I think that many people try to please others to our own detriment. There is a point when you realize that you can’t please everyone especially when they have false expectations of you. You just have to be yourself and too bad if that’s not enough for them. There are people who will accept you just as you are. Focus on yourself and forget the rest of the bs…in the end you will realize that its not worth it. Keep doing ur thing girl!!

Comment by Blessed

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