Black Girl In The City.

alone in a crowded room.
June 22, 2008, 7:01 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

I don’t even know how I let it get that far. Wishful thinking I guess, which seems to be my vice a lot of the time. Honestly, I put up with a lot of shit before deciding that I have to stop abusing myself for the sake of a chance at the possibility of someone loving back…even after they told me the deal. Denial is a fucking bitch.

That’s a dangerous place to be honestly. It leaves you emotionally open, and if you’re open and their not, they may not have an issue with how they handle you, or perhaps not handle you with care. Carelessness on both of our part led to the toxic feelings of resentment that I secretly harbored. It was seeping into the friendship and threatening to tear it all down. I was honest about the not wanting a relationship part because I liked where we were, and I liked what we were becoming. But the cycle repeats itself and the tears continue to flow, only as time passed I suddenly realized that that I was floating in a river of disappointment and mistrust. It got to the point that every little thing I noticed or heard or saw upset me. that’s not where anyone wants to be.

He and I get along so well, and I enjoy the closeness of our friendship, but like he’s told me and reminded me many times before he’s just not emotionally there and he has to have all or none. I really don’t know what to say about it all, just that I’m tired of putting myself in situations where I don’t get what I need from the other person in return. That would be consistency in words and action. How can you say that I need to make sure I don’t get hurt when you just finished fuckin my brains out after spending a nice evening alone the night before?

Basically it was just getting to be too much for me and was taking a toll on me emotionally. To be in a crowded room and still feel alone is very possible when your wavelengths aren’t the same. He and I are on different wavelengths and I can’t make him love me like I want him to. He’s been wholly honest with me about his issues and vice’s but because of the confusion and back and forth, I can’t really say that I know how he TRULY feels about me or even if it’s a priority that I know at all now.

It truly hurts my soul to know that I have to let him go for a minute just to preserve what’s left because I love my friend. Although I’ve promised myself not to get hurt again I’ve come to the conclusion that I have to get up and keep trying, no matter how painful the potential risks could be. I’m just trying to be a good gal and do right by the people in my life. I want to continue to be that but I have to keep in mind that it’s a two way street. If you’re not doing right by me I’ve got to let you go. The tears have to stop and I gotta keep my life on track. If anything my family needs me, and I have to keep that in mind when I make decisions. I think I’ve made the right one because I deserve to be happy and all of things that come along with it.

I’m not blaming what has become my own person ‘Mr. Big’, I just need to be the responsible person and take control of my feelings and remove them when it gets to the point where you’re confused and disappointed a lot of the time. He’s just not in the right place to understand the value of my heart and everything it has to offer. I wish it could be different but sometimes things are just the way there are, and I just have to accept the feeling of being alone in a crowded room until I can get everything that my heart desires. That’s what I deserve and know. I don’t know when I’ll eventually be over him and I don’t know if have the energy or will have the heart to invest so much again. I have to start making people EARN the best of me. I’m just pretty disappointed and tired of crying because I’m being dealt with on someone else’s terms. I think mandating time apart and sticking to is the best and most sensible decision I’ve made through all of this. Even it kills me, I have to allow myself to heal on MY terms and not anyone else’s. I know he cares, but caring coupled with carelessness cancels out everything that is and could be good. I don’t wanna hate you and that’s why I have to let go and give myself what it is I need to break free. I’ll eventually get this thing called love right but until then it is what it has to be.

This will only make everyone involved better and stronger…those are the things that carry the most weight in my life right now. Nothing else.

-black girl


5 Comments so far
Leave a comment

i have never commented on your blog before but i muss confess that i am a faithful reader. You inspire me to actually continue to write and ive even considered majoring in journalism. i love the fact that your blog is very honest and directly from your heart and soul…and that is exactly what the world needs today is truth. like i said, i havent commented before but reading this entry made me want to respond and tell you that i persoanlly apreciate this site and your willingness to share your life in order to help others that you dont even know…thats all i really wanted to say…keep writing!

-peace, love, and happiness

Ps. i kinda like this commenting thing…lol

Comment by Ms. Jada

Hey black girl ive just started reading your blog your writing is so honest much respect to you for being able to be so open. I too have had a similar experience with a mr. big. Afterwards i wondered what does love really mean so i began to read my bible and found 1 Cor.13..♥is patient.kind.not self seeking.♥ does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth..This is True♥ to me now and i plan to use this verse for all my future realtionships.I hope it helps you too:)

Comment by Lo

I truly understand what you’re experiencing because I was just in a similar situation a few weeks ago. I applaud you for standing up for yourself and seprating yourself from your “Mr. Big” to give yourself time to heal. I wish you the best in your clearly bright future.

Comment by Alexis

Thanks for your post. It’s not easy. I have “broken away” from my Big too many times to count. It hurts, but it has to be done. We know how we deserved to be loved, yet putting your foot down and breaking ties because he doesn’t know is a whole ‘nother ball game. Kudos for your strength.

Comment by Southern_Lady

I really enjoy your blog,Black Girl,but this entry was the truth! At least to me because I felt like I was reading back an entry in my own journal. Keep up the good work,and continue to be honest,if you’re honest with yourself being honest with everyone else is easy!!!!

Comment by yellow cupcake

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