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I don’t even know how I let it get that far. Wishful thinking I guess, which seems to be my vice a lot of the time. Honestly, I put up with a lot of shit before deciding that I have to stop abusing myself for the sake of a chance at the possibility of someone loving back…even after they told me the deal. Denial is a fucking bitch.
That’s a dangerous place to be honestly. It leaves you emotionally open, and if you’re open and their not, they may not have an issue with how they handle you, or perhaps not handle you with care. Carelessness on both of our part led to the toxic feelings of resentment that I secretly harbored. It was seeping into the friendship and threatening to tear it all down. I was honest about the not wanting a relationship part because I liked where we were, and I liked what we were becoming. But the cycle repeats itself and the tears continue to flow, only as time passed I suddenly realized that that I was floating in a river of disappointment and mistrust. It got to the point that every little thing I noticed or heard or saw upset me. that’s not where anyone wants to be.
He and I get along so well, and I enjoy the closeness of our friendship, but like he’s told me and reminded me many times before he’s just not emotionally there and he has to have all or none. I really don’t know what to say about it all, just that I’m tired of putting myself in situations where I don’t get what I need from the other person in return. That would be consistency in words and action. How can you say that I need to make sure I don’t get hurt when you just finished fuckin my brains out after spending a nice evening alone the night before?
Basically it was just getting to be too much for me and was taking a toll on me emotionally. To be in a crowded room and still feel alone is very possible when your wavelengths aren’t the same. He and I are on different wavelengths and I can’t make him love me like I want him to. He’s been wholly honest with me about his issues and vice’s but because of the confusion and back and forth, I can’t really say that I know how he TRULY feels about me or even if it’s a priority that I know at all now.
It truly hurts my soul to know that I have to let him go for a minute just to preserve what’s left because I love my friend. Although I’ve promised myself not to get hurt again I’ve come to the conclusion that I have to get up and keep trying, no matter how painful the potential risks could be. I’m just trying to be a good gal and do right by the people in my life. I want to continue to be that but I have to keep in mind that it’s a two way street. If you’re not doing right by me I’ve got to let you go. The tears have to stop and I gotta keep my life on track. If anything my family needs me, and I have to keep that in mind when I make decisions. I think I’ve made the right one because I deserve to be happy and all of things that come along with it.
I’m not blaming what has become my own person ‘Mr. Big’, I just need to be the responsible person and take control of my feelings and remove them when it gets to the point where you’re confused and disappointed a lot of the time. He’s just not in the right place to understand the value of my heart and everything it has to offer. I wish it could be different but sometimes things are just the way there are, and I just have to accept the feeling of being alone in a crowded room until I can get everything that my heart desires. That’s what I deserve and know. I don’t know when I’ll eventually be over him and I don’t know if have the energy or will have the heart to invest so much again. I have to start making people EARN the best of me. I’m just pretty disappointed and tired of crying because I’m being dealt with on someone else’s terms. I think mandating time apart and sticking to is the best and most sensible decision I’ve made through all of this. Even it kills me, I have to allow myself to heal on MY terms and not anyone else’s. I know he cares, but caring coupled with carelessness cancels out everything that is and could be good. I don’t wanna hate you and that’s why I have to let go and give myself what it is I need to break free. I’ll eventually get this thing called love right but until then it is what it has to be.
This will only make everyone involved better and stronger…those are the things that carry the most weight in my life right now. Nothing else.
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