It’s a beautiful day and I’m trying to keep a smile on my face. I’ve gotten a lot done to day FOR ME and it feels good. Just found out that my university is offering online classes starting in the fall. YES! I knew that I wouldn’t be able to physically attend classes with all of the demands and stressors in my life, so I’m happy about the fact that I can infuse something that’s such a huge priority into the scheme of things. They are only allowing me to get a BBA in Management but honestly I don’t care, I just need my degree so I can move on to the next level in my professional life. It’s kinda frustrating when you have things you need to do for you but can’t so this has definitely lifted my spirits!
I’ve been thinking about me and the things I want in my life, and I realized that a lot of things I do have aren’t necessarily what I want but what I’m given and am willing to accept because I don’t honor or maximize my potential and abilities the way they should be. Bad truth but real talk, I have serious self esteem issues. I always say, oh I used to have that problem but I’m cool now. Nah..not really. Because if I did I wouldn’t keep doing the same shit over and over hoping that they change. Fucking what? I’m 30 years old with a 14 and 9 year old. I gotta stop doing this shit to myself if I truly want to be happy. Somewhere within the last couple of days I had a wake-up call and realized that I’m not happy where I am and depressed because I feel limited in what I can do to get to where I wanna be. (Prolly cuz I ran outta weed and refuse to buy anymore.) Why? Because I’m so busy placating and doing what I can for everyone else because I want everyone to see how much of a good person I am. Everybody has control over my life and my well-being but me. Fuck that shit. I need a back bone and a big ass sign that says no that I can hold up whenever something is asked of me that interrupts my goals and plans. I decided to stop taking what is handed to me will start demanding what I need and want in my life. And if I can’t get it then I’m out. This is in every single area…my kids, my professional life, my family, my love life…everything! Can you imagine? I feel like everything and everyone has control over my life and feelings except me. It’s time to Detox…rearrange, and adjust myself before anything else.
I’m gonna lay off the weed for awhile lol. I really need to have a clear mind and address some things about myself rationally. When I smoke the only thing I’m good at is philosophy, creative work and fucking. I can do all of those without it because self medicating is getting hella expensive and not only was I running from myself, I was hurting myself by not staying UNhigh LONG enough to get what I needed to get from inside of me.
I’m not having sex anymore either until further notice. This is gonna be hard because I am a sexual person. But, I know me well enough now to know that I don’t need to become emotionally enslaved to men because that is what eventually happens. Then I’m left in a position of hating myself for moving along with something that I wanted when I knew I didn’t need it in the first place. I am who I am and even though I try to be most of the times…I’ve learned the hard way that I’m not superwoman, just a strong woman that does what she can to get things done and preserve her sanity. I gotta stop this if I want to break self-destructive and self defeating habits. At the end of the day, I get immediate gratification, but the after burn sets me farther back then I started in the first place.
I’m gonna keep writing because through this project I’ve realized that it may not necessarily be my call to write fiction (speaking on the three books that are all nearly completed by I can’t decide an end to.) I’m not a poetry or song writer either…both of which I’ve tried and didn’t feel the passion in. I think my purpose for being given this gift is to help other people make it through their own issues and whatever other difficulties they may face. I see that I also have the ability to uplift and encourage people and often speak right to the core of whatever it is they are feeling without them ever having to tell me a word. It’s also what I use to heal myself and get through hard times in my life. This is my purpose and I want to use my writing in a way that it was intended. No its time to figure out exactly what I need to do outside of this blog to facilitate that. Like this idea popped in my head and I acted on it, I assume the answer will come when it’s ready and when I’m ready to take on the responsibility. Until then I’ll keep hitting ya’ll with the lengthy soliloquies in hopes that you do take something from it to become a better you.
This is only the beginning. Yeeeehee!
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