Filed under: Matters of the Heart.
Well…today was kinda fucked up. LOL I’m not even gonna try and pretend I’m on the up and up cause I’m not. Unlike in the past, I’m making an effort not to ignore how I truly feel or lie to others or myself about it. You know how one little thing happens to annoy you and then the rest of your day just doesn’t get right? That’s kinda how mine was today.
So…this morning was my freebie Monday, meaning I didn’t have to come into the office until 10:30. My intentions to sleep late were foiled by two little ones constantly interrupting my slumber, so you know I was pissed! LOL
I got a new MAC computer at the office and hell if I know how to work one let alone figure out how to hook all of this fancy dual monitor laptop shit up to make it actually do something besides laugh at my novicehood. I spent the ENTIRE morning trying to get my company email server to work, actually I wasn’t connected to it all because I didn’t even have access to my backup files. Didn’t have my flash drive because I lost it over the weekend – it fell off of my key ring. So, I twiddled my thumbs until support came. I don’t know what they did but they made it happen. So my workday didn’t officially start until 1:00.
I had like a million voicemails and wrote each of the name and numbers down on sticky notes with the intention of calling all of my clients back one by one. I was interrupted by a phone call from my mom’s bitching about my Dell account, saying that they called her accidentally regarding a $22 balance on my account. WTF? That was followed by her reprimanding me and telling me that I need to call them as soon as possible. I just wasn’t in the mood and kept the convo short. The last thing I need is my mom calling me at work about some bullshit trying to act like my mom, lol.
So, I get back to my phone calls and realized that two of my sticky notes are gone AND I erased my messages! Lol. That set it off and I before I knew it I had spontaneously burst into tears. I went through an entire box of Kleenex, and in mid depletion my boss stops by and catches me in my silent frenzy…red nose and all. “Oh are you okay?” she says. That makes my sobs harder and I try to keep my back partially turned to her to show that I just didn’t wanna be bothered. I just responded that I’m having a bad day. She offers me the opportunity to telework (work from home) but I declined because being in the house by myself with a little fat dog watching my every move all day was definitely not going to do any good.
I tried to uplift my sunken spirits by listening to good music but it seemed like every thing I listened to made me sadder. Even Lil Wayne! LMAO Gotta laugh at that. So I flip on the TV to see two people on some lovey dovey stuff and definitely couldn’t watch the shit either. Lol I’m a total mess.
I did, however, manage to get one of my (personal) clients two crazy great deals on upcoming Media Buys for their company and they were stoked about that. Negotiating is one of my strengths. But how do you negotiate with yourself in order to make things better? I wish there was some kind of button I could push to make all of the things that I want to go away to vanish…especially when it concerns feelings. I’ve been fighting tears back all day if they haven’t been free flowing already. It just hasn’t been a good day but I guess the first step in making it better is to recognize that we are all entitled to having them. I can run from everything else in this world except the IRS and myself. And the IRS has no debts on me so I’m left to deal with the latter. I just wanna be okay really, and honestly I don’t know how to get there any other way but to just wait it out. This rough patch really sucks and I wish there was a better way. And to top it all off, I did something I said I wasn’t going to do – and of course, I had to make a run for the new tissue box because I hated myself for it.
I have a class tomorrow that I wish I never registered for because I don’t wanna go. I know this is gonna make me work my fingers to the bone to try and forget, but hey, I’m sure all of my clients that have been waiting on projects will be happy about that. Too bad I’m not. I wish things were different but then again…who doesn’t? Looking forward to that refurbished black girl sooner than later.
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