“I was just telling my dude, man, I know when she’s lying.”
I was looking at the view from a penthouse on west Peachtree listening to his conversation as he sat on the couch next to me. My head was turned toward the window, glanced at him after that last comment. I didn’t know how to explain it. I just knew that the big Buddha statue in front of us was a sign of something higher than us. I mentioned we were on the very top floor right? “Are you ready to have one of these?” His look was serious and I knew he was. I’m have a feeling that this may be the first time in his life that he’s ever believed in something so much. “I’m tryna cut million dollar checks witchu.”….
We’ve talked about this before.
(Oh yea we’ve made amends and are working on our friendship.) He says, “I need you to keep it one hunded…as long as you keep it one hunded with me we good.” When I look back on the times he’s said that I see now that he was indirectly saying bytch I know when you’re lying to me!
How could I try to josh someone that I would consider my twin soul? *Note: soul mates and twin souls are not the same thing. Look it up.* He is a reflection of me with wonderful man parts. And when I look at the course of our journey in that way I realize that my inability to deal with myself was the reason we hit bumpy roads. Did you get that? The whole Jones to it all is that both of us are literally growing at the speed of light in every aspect of our lives. This goes so deep that when it came to me I started laughing and couldn’t wait to get to my computer to put the thoughts in the digital. Here it is…
The most high sends us people at different points in our lives.
I call them accessories to growth. Whatever your interaction with them is…positive, negative, fkd up doesn’t matter. You’re learning. When you learn you grow. But I’m on my 30 shit and I think I know it all. I’m on the up and up, I’m starting to settle into my life and acquire people, life and situations that carry more weight. I’ve lived and grown from my experiences with the accessories, and of all of them combined I’d never been presented with ‘myself’. Put a mirror in front of someone who’s running from themselves and watch them scream, kick, laugh, cry, showing every emotion because it can be the most transforming experience when you’re forced to look in the mirror.
You can’t run from yourself.
I’ve certainly grasped the fact that he is in my life for a reason. It’s just difficult some days still. I’ve never dealt with myself so intently before, nor have I been forced to have to deal with it. I feel as though there is some unforeseen force that keeps us bonded even when I wanna get away from him. A force that I spat and cursed at when things were so difficult. The beautiful thing about being given the ultimate test (facing yourself every phukin day) is that when you pass it, you are someone that you thought you’d never be. That’s what I’m looking at. The end result. So many things about our divine linkage make sense now that I’ve been able to tune in with my soul and not my vajayjay. When we stopped giving in to the physical, the spiritual transcended to crazy heights.
Ha – I admit. I’ve told him lies because I was afraid to reveal my true self in fear of rejection. Do you know how hard it is to keep that up when you’ve been dealing with someone for a good amount of time? That’s a no go. Eventually I said forget it. If we are what we say we are to each other then I’ll stop lying to him. To myself. We were in the office, halfway working on a project, halfway goofing off. He tested my truth because I tested his. Difference is he passed his test and I failed.
“Did you sleep with (blank)?” I shifted my eyes and looked back at the computer screen, clicked my mouse twice.
“No.” Knowing good and damn well I did! In fact, the question was so random that I knew he already knew. Slick sucker. He shrugged his shoulders and said, “Ok,” and went back to scribbling notes in his composition book.
I went home later that evening and understood my moment right then and there. I was tired of trying to cover up my flaws, mistakes and inadequacies as a human being. In doing so I was being inhumane towards myself. It wasn’t fair to anyone involved. So I called him and told him the truth. Said, “You know what? I lied to you.I did sleep with (blank). And I was so drunk that I barely remember. And that’s what it is, however you wanna take that is up to you.” Besides, me and that individal both agreed that it was a mistake and to continue with business as usual.
“I already knew. But how do expect me to trust what you say if you keep lying to me?”
He was right. The truth is what I owed myself (us) because without passing that vantage point, we can’t move on to the next step upward. Leaving us forever stuck until one of us just gets tired of the stagnant shit and bounce. He said, “I know you.” For me to look in the mirror and hear myself basically say, “Stop lying to me because I know you,” is the scariest shit ever.
So yea, these are my thoughts for the evening and I answered a gang of questions that swam in my head. The truth is that I know we were sent to each other to deal with ourselves on a level that scrapes the sky when compared to just…well, fuckin. No more humping myself. I just hope he’s ready to see what it’s really all about.
Keep in mind though…I know when he’s lyin too.
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