Black Girl In The City.


pure randomness
August 5, 2008, 1:38 pm
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Brainless Action & Tri-Sexual Luke Girls

For the first time in months I sat down and watched the silliness we call entertainment and television. I needed to do something brainless because I felt like my own was in an over drive race of hyperactivity. I wanted to stop thinking, if just for a second so TV would be just the thing. Decided to watch VH-1’s “I Wanna Work for Diddy”. It was cool but not what I expected. The teaser was pretty fly but the show was kind of a let down.  I’m interested to see what the ratings were. I wonder if he would top Tyler Perry’s break onto the primetime scene. Tyler vs. Diddy. Interesting. Maybe I wanna work for Diddy. Then again…maybe the hell not! Lol Luke the freak nasty is following Snoop’s footsteps with his own reality show titled “Parental Advisory”. After this line I calmly turned the television off and went on about my business… “In order to be a Luke girl you must be tri-sexual…willing to try anything.” OMG. When he said this he was talking to his wife. Later I wondered, damn – does that me Imma a tri-sexual?

Screwdrivers, knives and FIRE! WTF?

I won’t lie and say that moving along with life as usual without someone that I felt I needed and needed me is going to be easy. This was what I was afraid of though. Breaking away from a close bond for the sake of healing yourself is hard. Actually, this year has been hell for me in that regard because I just can’t seem to get it right. If you date a guy for three months and have sex with him and it’s wack you’re disappointed. If you date a guy that is your polar opposite for the sake of doing something different you soon realize that the two of you have nothing in common just like you knew to begin with. If you give too much you lose someone you care about because you feel a certain way. If you don’t give enough you are selfish. If you give the same something else is fucked up…like the psycho baby momma that hates your guts because she thinks you stole her man. lol I’ve been threatened with screwdrivers, knives, fire! I mean, WTF? Now I am all out of answers and back to square one yet again, minus one of the few friends I thought I had. The thing I hate is the time vested into something that leaves you empty handed with just a lesson learned and a slap on the wrist. 2008 has slapped the shyt out of me and told me it is for my own good lol. I’m tired of so many damn lessons. I’m that kid in class watching the clock praying for the dismissal bell that never rings. One can’t help but to wonder the why behind the why and what it all means. I’ve asked, and the only answer I get is to write. Same thing I’ve been getting for years, and years…and you guessed it…YEARS. God forgive me but sometimes I just want a hug and an outing (with someone I like back) without sitting in this house writing my heart away. Don’t get me wrong, suitors ask but I don’t mess with those fools because I already know. Sometimes I think I am too wise and good for my own good. Knowing to much leaves a funky taste in your mouth and makes you wish that some days you could just be stupid as hell and oblivious to what’s happening in the world around you. As much as I’ve tried to clarify and find the answer and meaning to it all I’m just not getting it and am unsure of which way to go but on my own. Perhaps that’s the way it’s meant to be but…I don’t like it. In fact, I’m starting to get funked. But what can you do but smile big, pay close attention to your thoughts and direct them toward happiness as much as possible by giving yourself everything you need and love? That’s all anyone can do. But I still can’t sleep at night.

Family Affairs and the Magic City Recruit.

My baby sis came in from B’More this weekend. Spent most of Saturday at my Uncle’s house. There were kids everywhere and I wanted to slap a few. Especially my other Uncle’s daughter who got on my effing nerves. The kids were dancing to music, sensible, cute…but then this 11 year old with a booty bigger than mine gets up and bounces her ass like she could make money doing it. I asked her, “What do you think you are going to attract by doing that booty poppin you’re doing?” She looked at me funny and said, “I just like to dance.” I just shook my head and attempted to explain to her the importance of being a lady and not doing things like that in front of people. Regardless of if she likes to dance people don’t know that. They just see another little black girl bouncing that ass like she was born to do. A freak ready to get smashed. She didn’t care and started doing it again. I just got up and left the room. I watched her later for a while and realized how starved for attention she was. I was like that. I just wasn’t poppin the booty…I was a little more advanced in my activities lol. Her dad worked a lot and her mom just had a new baby. I saw the road she was going down and pulled her to the side. Kept it real with her and dropped a little advice to her like she were my own. She got the point. Her prance was more confident, she crossed her legs when she sat down to eat, and she wasn’t as loud and boisterous as before. I caught her secretly watching me and my mannerisms and mimicking them best she knew how. I could tell my approval meant a lot to her. It made me feel really good because that one talk could have very well changed her life.

Guess Who’s Afraid of the Dark?

The lights went out Sat night and the entire Sidney Marcus side of Lenox Rd. was PITCH black. I sought refuge at D’s house since he was the closest by. Kicked it for a hot second and bounced, praying I had lights when I got back. Otherwise I’d be sleeping in the car because I can’t sleep in a pitch-black house alone in silence. It was 2am and that’s when the monsters come out lol. HAHA! I’m 30 years old and afraid to be in a dark room alone. Shame. I was relieved to see that they in fact were back on and I could take a long shower to wash away the day. As soon as I got out of the shower and put on my robe the lights went out AGAIN! PANIC. TERROR. My heart raced as I fumbled in the dark for my celly, purse and keys, which I never put in the same place twice. I am deathly afraid of being in the dark by myself unless I’m in the bed and sleep and the light switch is a reach away. As soon as I stepped out of my front door my Indian neighbor across the hall was there with his flashlight and boxer shorts. He had bee bee’s on his chest which surprised me for obvious reasons lol. He shinned his light on me…in my robe with damp hair and a look of terror on my face! “Again,” he said waving his arms and the flashlight with it. I said, “I know this is crap,” and scurried down the stairs to the parking garage as I felt his eyeballs follow until I was gone. I think I saw him lick his lips while looking at my legs but whatever. I just had to get the hell out of there. When I opened the door to the garage it was pitch black and I nearly died again because finding my way to my car was out of the question. I ran back up the stairs and stood in front of the walkway wondering what to do. A few neighbors were standing outside smoking. One of them that I talk to here and there screams, “This is fucking bullshit isn’t it! Do you have any weed?” LOL I shook no and the other girl says, “We can’t even have nookie night because it’s so damn dark.” I was thinking, I don’t know about you but dark, light, dusk, whatever it goes down regardless! We stood outside in a little crew until about 3:15 or so shootin the shyt until the lights came back on. I hesitated going back up in fear the same thing would happen again. Eventually I just said forget it…if I get to sleep soon I’ll be too comatose to even know what’s happening. Word.

Satisfaction NOT Guaranteed.

One of my best friends is gone and I still can’t believe it. I checked up on their blog and saw that they really didn’t get where I was coming from and kinda felt like I was the villain and the fake one that had been lying all along. That hurt but I guess that’s the power of words. I said some fucked up shyt that can’t be taken back. It’s sad but what can you do? I know how they feel right at this moment and the fact that I can’t be there kinda bothers me on that “I never would have thought” sorta thing. It didn’t take long for me to find peace in it all, but it still doesn’t stop you from missing your friend. I just try to flood my attention with other things and let it all die away on its own. I tried everything I could to get him to see but I just couldn’t get through. Just trying not to cry about it. I’ve lost a lot this year, only to gain myself…but is that all there is? If so, fuck that. I don’t like it.

Being Content with it all. HELL NO!

I’m moving to a bigger place and haven’t even started packing yet. Mainly because I’m going through everything I own and have kept over the years and am trashing it, selling it, or giving it away. I want to use this opportunity as a symbol of a new start in my life. I tend to hold on to things even when I don’t need them and they serve no purpose anymore. My pageant dress from 12 years ago, my prom dress, pictures, even hand written notes and my old cheerleading uniforms. My first corporate paycheck…ticket stubs, the only single rose I was ever given from someone special (in high school) lol. And receipts going all the way back to 1999. We won’t even get on clothes. 80% of them sit in my closet or in piles that I plan to sort through tomorrow…which turns into two months, then three years and so on. Most of which have been pillaged through by a prissy teen obsessed with fashion. Having your clothes being referred to as vintage is enough in itself and a lot of things I need to let go. I had an aha moment when I thought about how things and objects hold energy from my past – some of which should have been tossed from my space long ago. Guess it’s never too late to clean up and I seem to be doing a lot of that lately. Starting over may be what I need but again…that’s another thing that gets old. I want to build skyscrapers, not continue to clear land and sit on that shyt playing in the dirt like I’m starring in a PIKE Nursery commercial. Trying to figure out what’s next is hard when you tend to get wrapped up in the moment. Either way, content is not me these days.

Really Though? Tell me this is all there is.

I kinda feel alone. Sad a little but morose just irritated. There are so many things I want and feel like I need but I can’t seem to get my strategy right. It’s been more like live, learn, and still come up empty handed with just another lesson to put in your pocket. A friend of mine said, “Just be patient.” I went OFF lol. I said, “I’ve been patient and trying to do the right thing all of my life and I’m ready for MY turn to reap benefits. Fuck that!” My biggest fear is to grow old and never see my hearts desires. Dreams that I’ve held onto since I was a little girl. Even when you do all that you are supposed to do some things are just out of your control. You have to wait it out and wait your turn. It’s just a travesty when you see the next person that cheated to get their way only to get ten steps ahead of you and actually get away with it. I try my best to do the right thing but often times I feel like I come up short. I just wish there were more to it than this and often wonder, should I cheat and lie my way to the top too?

Maybe I’ll just cut my hair and make it rain on dem hoes.

-black girl.

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7 Comments so far
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I typed a comment about patience. I have also lost patience with this comment section…lol

Ill try to re-type that later. Nice entry.

Comment by Michelle Love

At the ripe ol’ age of 31 (32 in a few months) I can honestly say that I am enjoying this time much more than I did 10 years ago. It sounds like you are going through a fair amount of growing pains and self-realization. The not so fun part of it is that you don’t know how long it lasts but when it’s over or near to being over you will feel much better. You are wise and insightful beyond your age so I am sure that this will all pass quickly, just keep in mind that quick is a relative term and only you know what that means for you. On another note, I just cut my hair into a trendy and chic razor bob this weekend, after many years of wearing it long. Everyone was shocked because I’m always described as the girl with the head of long hair. There was a certain amount of liberation that came with feeling air hit the back of my neck and hair-dryer time being cut in half (LOL). I’ll send you pics!!! In the meantime, I am makin’ it rain! Stay cool Black Girl:)

Comment by Sasha

Screwdrivers, knives and fires: I so feel this post! Sometimes, I feel like damn if I do, damned if I don’t!

Comment by Southern_Lady

I found a hair style! The chopping goes down as soon as my beauty girl can fit me in lol.

Comment by blackgirlinthecity

I have been reading your blog lately and I love it! You inspired me to give it a try. You lose me on some things but for the most part I get you. I went through a very similar situation with my “friend like yours.” It took me over 10 years to get it and I still don’t get it all the way. I think that God will use him and the feelings he brought about to teach you lot in life. I had the same upbringing too. You friend is right, be patient and in the mean while write like crazy.
The last part of your post was wriiten through your anxiety. Scripture says “Be anxious for nothing, but by prayer and supplication make your request known.” Continue to pray, cause really this man and the experience you shared might be trying to teach you the BIGGEST lesson of your life. At least you know ur in a lesson. But like I was saying, you can look over your writing in a month, year or years, and you will see so clearly and be able to sort out what God is trying to show you versus the pain and rejection that you feel. And this blog is, as you know only a fraction of the bigger picture in your life.
Black girl if this man and his presence or what ever it was that attracted you to him and all the feelings that there are no words for, mean or meant that much to you; then God is gonna bless your socks off, but you and all of us who feel you, must be guided into a place where we can and will appreciate and treat the blessing as HE expects us too. (Damn this means I have to listen to my own advice LMAO!!!)

Jedidiah
-Beloved-

Comment by Jedidiah

Stop being afraid of the future. Your living. You’ve been blessed with another day. Seize it like a fine wine – smell it, watch it, see the color, taste it. Yes you will get hurt in life but i would rather experience what is than what is not. Remember no regrets.

Comment by BabyBear

think about what I said earlier…
You have a lot to share and insight to give…

Comment by Lola




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