Black Girl In The City.

ask black girl .02: should I keep my baby?
August 20, 2008, 11:56 pm
Filed under: ASK BLACK GIRL | Tags: , , ,


Hey Black Girl,

I have 3 kids and I am currently 32 and I am in a relationship with a 25 year old. We don’t have the best relationship but we are together and I love him. We have been living together for about a year and 3 months. Since that time I have had 2 abortions by him and once again, I am pregnant. He feels that our relationship isn’t strong enough to bring a baby in the world, but he says that he will not back down from his responsibilities. I know that I definitely don’t want to go thru with another abortion, but very afraid of the unknown. And I know that you are on a different path in life, like myself, and I want your take on this situation.

-Mickey, Mount Vernon, NY


Richard Eichele

Hey Mickey,

There are so many different factors that I’d need more clarity on but for time’s sake I’ll just get to the point based on what you’ve told me. In my opinion, I feel that you will make the right decision for YOU concerning your pregnancy. I’m a firm believer that Intuition is God and God lives in all of us regardless of who we are or the past choices we’ve made. A little story…

When I got pregnant with my second daughter I was 20 years old with a 4 year old. I was in college, living on my own and was working at Sears making $6.25 an hour. I didn’t have help from anyone and everyone around me, including my own mom said, “Don’t have that baby. Don’t do it! You can’t possible take care of two kids without any help.” Baby daddy threatened to disappear (which he did) and I was struggling as it was and didn’t see how I would do it either. I didn’t want to abort but felt like I had to based on outside influence. I literally sat on the floor crying flipping through the yellow pages looking for clinics because I felt I didn’t have a choice even though it was something I didn’t want to do. A few days before I had even offered to give the baby to my aunt in New York who was well off and I knew would give my child the life she deserved. My aunt (who can’t have kids) said no, questioning the genetics and IQ of the father lol. Needless to say, at the end of the day I had to make the choice for myself. I listened to the truth in my heart. I ultimately decided to keep her and too bad for my aunt. I have the most beautiful little girl to compliment my first born beautiful and smart little girl. I gave birth to a piano, violin playing, straight A, scientific genius with an affinity for the culinary arts, Mickey. If I had listened to everyone else I would have destroyed my life because she saved me from where I was and the destructive road I was on at the time. There is purpose in everything.

All of that to say listen to your heart and make the choice for yourself. Don’t listen to him, your family or your friends because their outside influence could literally change the course of your life. Go in a room alone, lock the door, sit in silence and listen. I guarantee you without a shadow of a doubt you’ll hear an answer. But it will be up to you to trust that it is divinely right and move on it.

Secondly, I think you and I both know that this guy is too young for you mentally and emotionally. I know you know because it’s the first thing you said. “I am currently 32 and I am in a relationship with a 25 year old.” You may not have realized it but the age factor is huge concern for you. And you should be concerned. Why do you think you don’t have the best relationship? I’ll take a wild card guess and say that he’s not emotionally there with you and it’s evident in his actions and behavior in the relationship. You can’t expect a guy so young to fully commit to anything no matter how much he loves and adores you. The friction is probably coming up because he loves you but wants to see his other options as well. If you’re smart you’ll end it now. Him feeling that ‘our relationship isn’t strong enough to bring a baby in the world’ is a warning. Having two abortions and now being forced to make a choice again is a pure indicator that he’s not really diggin you enough to raise a child together, “even though he’ll own up to his responsibility”. Either way you need to mentally prepare yourself to go the road without him.

Third, you gotta set a good a example for your babies. They watch your every move. Although I don’t agree with living with a man you are not married to when you have children that are not his own, I think if you’re gonna do it – pick a good one that treats Mickey like a star and is an exemplary model of how a man should be and how a man should treat a woman. They look to you to know what to expect and what standards to set in life. Don’t take that responsibility lightly, especially if you have little girls.

Lastly, stop abusing your temple and hold yourself in high regard. Don’t settle for bull you don’t really need around. Love someone that loves you wholly and is consistent with it, not just some of the time when things are good. Don’t feel like you have to take what you can get because you have three kids either. Forget that. I understand things happen and we do what we have to do but learn your lesson and don’t take the conception of life for granted. Be proactive and protect yourself. I’d lay off having sex with him because it sounds like what the two of you have is so off the chain that he can’t control himself (and neither can you) lol. Sex counts for at least 75% of the hold a man has on you if not more, and the sooner you close that door the sooner you can begin the process of getting your power back so you can make the right decisions. Also, be mindful that HIV/AIDS is the number 1 cause of death for women our age. Be careful and treat your body as sacred. I realized I was abusing myself in a lot of ways, including sexually, but when I began respecting my body and treating it with fragile care, my soul blossomed and I was able to flourish as a newer stronger me. Abuse of any kind shows a lack of self-control. Control yourself sister, we as women owe it to ourselves.

{Practical stuff You can Do Now}

Pray & Mediate. Make a list of serious self-searching questions and ask yourself out loud. Listen to that voice again, dig deep and face whatever underlying reasons that keep you locked in situations that lower your stock and ultimately shiest you of what you truly deserve. One of them should be “Why do I love him?” Take your answers and come up with a plan to correct them. Get professional help if you need to. You’re worth it.

Make a decision about the baby as soon as possible. Don’t wait until you are six months and then decide not to have it. That’s careless.

If you decide to leave him be plan your exit and arm yourself. Open a savings account in your name only and don’t tell him anything about it. I suggest getting an Orange Savings Account. The annual percentage yield is 3.0% and there are no fees or penalties. Manage everything electronically and not on a computer you share with him. He can easily check your history or cookies to see what you’ve been up to. SAVE SAVE SAVE your money! (if you aren’t already doing so.)

Be nice and stay at peace. Don’t let him on to anything because if he sees you’re one up on him he could dip and may just be shitty when he does it. When you bounce it should be a surprise and a goodbye to go with it. If you let him know what you are planning to do he’ll find a way to talk you out of it. But its not about him, its about you. Don’t ever let the opponent know your next move because it gives them an opportunity to counter claim and confuse.

Start looking for places if you need to. I recommend getting out of where you are now when its time so you can move on to a new place with new energy and a new view on life from a different perspective.

Get this book:

“One day My Soul Just Opened Up” by Iyanla Vanzant. Start your 40-day journey to get rid of this guy and clear your space. You’ll soon be on the road to being the 360 degree Mickey you were meant to be.

I know you’ll make the right choice that works for you and only you. No matter what you do remember who you are and to adore the beautiful skin you’re in. Trust that inherent fact and you can’t go wrong. The only one thing you can do to unquestionably change the scenery of your life is to physically move through it.

-black girl.

Say Something. |


3 Comments so far
Leave a comment

I’ve been reading your blog for a minute now and look forward to your post. I have to commend you on the advice given in this post It was great! You are also very perceptive in reading between the lines. As a previous poster say you somehow always give the best advice at a time when their are looking for answers. Even thought my situation is not the same the advice is helpful to me.

Comment by enigma

Well said. This post has really inspired me! I love your blog Black Girl!

Comment by YoungBlackBeauty

I started reading your blog when I first started working a year ago. You are an ispiration to me as well as my friends, who also read your blog. With this story I would like to say that there are other ways to take care of an unplanned pregnancy other than an abortion sometime I wish that we as women would realize that just because we cannot take care of it no one else can. I know adoption is hard and you will never know if you made the right decision but at least the baby can still have a chance at life.

Comment by Princess0889

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