Black Girl In The City.

ask black girl .03: find your anthem
August 30, 2008, 6:43 am
Filed under: ASK BLACK GIRL | Tags: , , , ,

Christina Myers

Hello Black Girl,

I’m a big fan and I’ am a 19year old very mature black girl who was in a relationship with a 22-year-old man boy. I’m having a very hard time in my life right now. When I first met him I’d just turned 18 and I didn’t want a relationship. He made it clear how he wanted me to himself only and he treated me so good. He would give me money every time he’d see me. He used to always say “I just want to make u happy” and if I was mad he always made me feel better. He was everything I wanted.

I broke up with him 3 times to figure out what I wanted but he always came back to me with no problems. This time he broke up with me in a text message. He wants to be friends but we can’t be friends. We didn’t start off as friends so we can’t end that way. I made it clear how much I loved him and if I can’t have him as my boyfriend I don’t want anything to do with him.

I have become very depressed from this. One minute I am laughing about the good times and then I cry then I go a whole day without eating. I don’t have much support around me and he was my main support system he supported me in everything. I’m even more sad because I have found out he has a new girlfriend. I have very low self-esteem. I try to keep it rolled up so no one knows. Many of my friends say I’m so pretty but I don’t see it all the time. The new girlfriend is beautiful (it hurts me to say it, but she is). And I keep thinking this girl must be better then me for him to leave me for her. He moved on to soon for it not to be the case. I’m even more upset with myself because I know if he tries to get back in my life I would allow him. This whole break up has f**** me up real bad in the inside. I’m just asking if u can give me some advice, I’ll take anything u can offer me. Thanks – Ashley, Los Angeles, Ca.

Baby girl you have so many different layers going on here I’m not sure where to start. I so don’t wanna sound like a hag when I tell you this but really…you are too young to be so emotionally intertwined with someone. I’m only saying it because I’ve been where you are. Girls like us are the ones that seem wiser and more mature than our counterparts, and sometimes people don’t get that we think far beyond our years which is why we tend to want to lead adult-like lives. Or maybe they just call that being fast as hell…

I’ve also been right where you’ve been and right where you are. My home girl and I where just talking this morning about how things become when the ‘honeymoon’ is over – and how you gotta be prepared to bounce our work backwards to try and build because nobody wants to build during the honeymoon. Ask yourself: What foundation did you build your love for him on? When the honeymoon is over, what will survive between the two of you?

Humans by nature are drawn and magically attracted to anything new. Sometimes it doesn’t matter what it is or what it looks like, only that it’s new. When we’re excited about the new we get the positive feelings that come along with it. I call it the ‘up and up’ phase. When you’re on the up and up you’re not worried about the foundation you’re building in the process. But when it falls back to reality what will you land on? Did you spend lots of time building a foundation or did you spend time partaking in the pleasures that took you higher? I think you answered the question yourself when you said, “ He wants to be friends but we can’t be friends. We didn’t start off as friends so we can’t end that way.”

What you think is love is not. Love is not indecisive and it doesn’t waver back and forth as emotions do, thus my theory that it should never be founded upon or categorized as an emotion. My personal definition is that Love is solid and grounded in a conscious choice to remain committed to the cause of two or more. At the end, love stands and can remain standing despite how things may seem. It always prevails when allowed. In the relationships arena I would say it takes time to build anything strong, and it takes two adults that have seen and experienced enough to know what they want and expect. And even then shyt gets crazy!
Here are some of the things I did and came to realize during my time…

Get this book:

Mental Resilience: The Power of Clarity by Kamal Sarma. It focuses on finding emotional tranquility, developing insight, cultivating wisdom and bringing them all together. It also teaches the basic techniques for meditation, something I highly recommend for you. It comes with a meditation CD and can be found at most public libraries if you don’t want to buy.

Forget Myspace!

Myspace can be cool but it can also be the devil. It tempts you to go digging where you were never meant to dig in the first place. You found out he had a girlfriend that way because you allowed yourself to be open to that.

Forget Her!

I’ve suffered from self-esteem issues all of my life, but when I thought about it and really got my self together I understood that sometimes it really isn’t about you. Self-esteem issues often derive from things that people have done or said to us. The sooner you understand that people are crazy as hell and have their own issues, the sooner you’ll be able to understand that it’s not about you even if its directed or done to you.

Going back to the new new principle, many men are particularly cruel violators of this practice. You can be the most beautiful, most intelligent dream girl of a woman and at the end of the day you still aren’t better than the new new. Fresh prey is always better then the prey one is already nibbling on no matter how juicy it is . See what I’m saying? It’s not about you, it’s not even about her per say, the main reason is that she is something new and juicy to bite into.

Stop Being Public Enemy # 1

Negative thoughts are poison. They can literally destroy your life from the inside out. The mood swings…been there. Not eating…been there. Crying and wondering what she has that I don’t…been there too. The culprit in all of the above is negative thinking. That is what’s causing you to feel bad about yourself. Who would want to deal with a psycho girl that cries and doesn’t eat? I wouldn’t feel good if I told myself I was that person every day either. When you catch yourself stop it. Period. You’re going to have to gain control over your thought process if you want to control your life. The hardest thing on earth is to become the manager and boss of your own consciousness because once you become aware of how you think you realize how incredibly messed up things are, lol. But that’s a part of the process. Work through those things so you can control them and how you feel about you on the inside. Investing in yourself can have great return when you learn how to control your mental portfolio by keeping tabs on what’s coming in and going out.

Re-Focus your Attention & Stick to Your Guns

Bottom line, he wants to ‘still be friends’ because he wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants to keep access to your life while he does what he wants knowing that you are still emotionally tied to him… willing to give him the same benefits you gave him while the two of you were in a relationship. He doesn’t deserve you because if he did you would be with him so get it out of your mind that he may come back or want to make amends. If he does it won’t be for what you think and you’ll end up worse. You were right. You didn’t start as friends so you can’t be friends unless you choose to open the door. Try to avoid anything that reminds you of him and or would allow him access to contact you until you are ready and if that day ever comes. Anyone that does what he did hasn’t grown enough to understand the value in people and especially women. Keep your word and keep him away.

Pay Attention to what matters

…..and he doesn’t! You do. Your friends do. Your future matters, and so does your physical health. Who you are as a person matters and everything around us is a reflection of who we are. The way he treated you is not who you are and the way this situation is making you feel is not who you are either. Make a list of everything that matters to you and try only to invest your time and energy in those things in a given day. That’s when all of the garbage that’s not supposed to be in your life is visible and can be carted away. But you’re the only person that can do that.

Step Your Game Up & {Find Your Anthem}

Find a song, or two or three…I don’t care how many but find the track that pushes you on when you want to go back or give up. The one you’re listening to now was mine. Still is! Also recognize. Pay attention to your surroundings and learn more about how things tick versus what they do. Ole boy was giving you money as part of his plan to snag you and keep you. To heighten those good feelings as much as possible so you wouldn’t forget about the sweet ‘up and up’. For some reason a man only has to do something a few times for us to beleive that it will be there and always avaialbe. Consistnecy is key. If he’s not doing it consistently, chances are that what he’s doing has a motif behind it…most often times the motif is control.

Try to learn as much as you can in order to know and apply. The best skills are developed with experience so be prepared to fall in and out of love perhaps a few more times before you fully understand what it is and all that comes with it. Relax…time is on your side. This guy is not worth your time or energy.

Good luck,
-black girl.


11 Comments so far
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Baby girl: It takes time for the heartache and doubt to pass, but it will. One day, you’ll wake up and feel alright. The next day, you’ll wake up and feel even better. But first you gotta eat, sweetheart. Put something yummy and healthy in your belly every day.

Black Girl: Thank you for posting this. I’m impressed with babygirl’s ability to articulate the situation and her feelings and thoughts at 19 years old. I wasn’t there at 19. And even though I agree that that’s just too young an age to be going through such heartbreak, the fact is that it’s real. I am 7 years her senior and I needed to read these words too. I especially appreciate: “The way he treated you is not who you are and the way this situation is making you feel is not who you are either.” That’s gonna be my little affirmation for a while.

Comment by Bianca

I am going through a similar situation and I am only a year older than her. I thank you Black Girl for posting this, everything you said is so valid. When you really just sit back and think of everything good and bad, moretimes you’ll fine the bad out-weighs the good, but because you wanted to see the good so much you ignored the bad.

Comment by Shawnie

First, let me say I’m glad I found this blog over at CL. It’s GREAT! And this post made it so much more worthwhile to me, I am 24 and am kind of going through this situation myself. It was tough initially, but it gets better with time. I totally agree that other people’s comments rub-off on you because at 24 I am finally realizing that I am not the person I think I am, but rather a by-product of the people I have befriended, been in relationships with, pissed off, etc. So I am making a conscious decision to get to know me. It’s a deep and sometimes painful dig, but definitely worth it. There is so much truth spoken in your post Black Girl. I’m off to find my anthem…

Comment by Kris

Blackgirl!!!! Your musical selections are hot…love love love the anthem. B-T-W, you are the #1 google search when you enter the words black girl…keep doing big thangs with your FABULOUS self (See what a good detox can do?!?!!!)yaaaay for you

Comment by Sasha

First off, I loved that book. It gave me so many insights that my head was spinning! It’s a good read for anyone. And I totally agreed with all the advice you gave, especially the anthem. Music is the one thing that really does uplift & take me to a better place when I’m down. I also agree the people are a product of their interactions. Everything you do & are comes from you learning things from outside sources [minus biological instincts like hunger] which can push you away from who you really are. The only way to find self is to cut out the world & listen to that voice inside that you can’t hear through all the daily noise. I hope it all works out for her. . .

Comment by Liv

Same s$%t, different age….I’ve experienced a similar situation not too long ago. The only difference is he married her in less than a year of our breakup but still wanted to be “friends”. I was devastated. As cliche as it sounds, this too shall pass. But it takes work. It took going through this to learn what Black Girl has spelled out for you. Take her advice and hang in there. Concentrate on being a better you–emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. And please believe, the new new ain’t always what it’s cracked up to be.

Comment by NYPoweRChick

Inspire the world!

Comment by Desire

I could really resonate with the pieces of advice although I’m not in a similar situation.

The ‘stop being public enemy #1’ especially helped.

Keep it up blackgirl.And good luck to lil homie.

Comment by Miss AkA

I smiled when this song came on. YES!!

Comment by MJ

u r takin ur service to the next level. keep it up BG. couldn’t have said it nearly as well.

Comment by Nyny

BGITC… I love how you can take a question like this and provide a real honest answer… First time to your page… Must say… Impressive!
Keep up the good work…

Hugs and blessings,
Vernishia Renee

Comment by Vernishia Renee

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