Black Girl In The City.

Confessions of a Faithful CONTROL-Freak.
October 29, 2008, 1:12 pm
Filed under: Reflections of a Black Girl, Therapy Sessions | Tags: , , ,

A Dopludo Collective

“You’ve got a lot of triggers in your life,” my therapist says.

“So.” I shrugged my shoulders as hard as I could and tossed up my hands. “Like I can change that?”

“No you can’t, but you can change how you react.”

He’d shared with me moments earlier that he felt I had what was is commonly know as Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Blah -tell me something I don’t know to be my hero. True enough he had a point but that conversation was nearly two months ago and I’ve since learned about these so-called triggers, half of which have been removed from my life. The remaining ones? You know kids, stupid drivers, boys…shall remain and I shall deal. True enough putting a name to my workaholism made me feel a little better, but it didn’t stop me from bailing on my last appointment. Silly enough to think I would get off that easy this guy calls me at the office personally.

“Where are you today Ms. [Black Girl]?”

“Oh, I uh had…” I could have conjured up some smart-A, witty remark but let it be instead. I actually didn’t say anything after the word ‘had’. Silence flooded the receiver and then he laughed.

“I don’t believe you but that’s ok [Black Girl]. Stop avoiding me and I promise I won’t make you take pills.”

He was referring to my personal war on prescription drugs that he’d suggested for this ‘anxiety’ thing. He knew how much I was against it. Although I truly believe that some people need some sort ‘stabilizer’ for severe and crippling issues I’ve come to realize that mine aren’t that serious and if I’ve made it this far then I certainly can’t be a total train wreck. I just happen to be a bitching, success-driven perfectionist with a fear of being out of control. That’s normal right?

“Smoke your stuff then,” he said once, “and that’s the last I will say about a prescription.”

I apologized profusely and pecked away at computer keys hoping he’d get the hint. Ninja I’m workin’. He was cool with the excuses but wanted to know the real reason why I’d canceled my appointment. So I told him the truth and his response goes right back to that ‘triggers’ thing again.

Our call was all but three minutes and he did waive my no show fee. Surprisingly enough I wasn’t reprimanded like the last time when I waited for some fleeting explicative to fall from his African lips as he preached to me about needing to keep my appointments and do something for myself “for a change.” It has been nearly six months so I guess my progress has given me a free pass on missing my second to last session. After reassuring him that I wouldn’t let anything else take me away from myself he said something so profound that I immediately stopped to write it down.

“When you stop living with the illusion that you are in control of your life and everything in it, the more you’ll start living with the person that you truly are.”

As soon as we hung up I said a prayer. More like an apology to God for behaving as though I was the one in control. Granted I’m not a religious person but I am definitely a spiritual connector and I know when a moment comes to remind me that I’m stepping outside of myself. I’m not saying I walk around with my Vicki cups poking out, beating my chest on some “I got this ish shun!” foolishness or anything like that. But I do move fast though, so much that its easy to forget to stop and remember that in reality, no human being on earth can control the world but they can control their FAITH.

Definitely in need of a Love Bomb.

-black girl.


2 Comments so far
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Here’s your “love bomb”…(((hugs)))). BG I totally feel what you are saying. Because you are so independent it feels as if you are in control, but there is definitely a greater power at work that has your mind in the right place which is allowing you to handle your business. Go to your therapist/life coach appointment and unload, there is no harm in venting to someone with a license and a couch to listen and give you a completely objective and unbiased perspective. I wil say this, however, stick to your guns about the Rx. Exercise and get those endorphins going and keep a stash of bite sized chocolate candies somewhere that you can get a few pieces every now and then for an instant mood pick me up. I’ve been contemplating getting a therapist/life coach and who knows…maybe in ’09 I’ll make a conclusive decision. Keep it coming and keep on being the “realest”. ((hug))

Comment by Sasha

Girl, I think we can all relate to that, especially us black girls. We are more vulnerable because we’re all alone with no one to protect us so we have to be as self-sufficient as possible….no husbands, no fathers…we’re in it all alone so we’re forced to have that “attitude” like we’re all an powerful can-do-it group of people. I hope you get what I’m saying, lol, but yeah girl, go to your therapist. I think they’re the new thing anyways, lol. I need to make an appointment immediately too. Sometimes we need an outsiders opinion who’s not so judgemental as our family and friends to help us get the picture. Smooches :0

Comment by Caramel Jones

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