Black Girl In The City.

He said,”Maybe.”
November 12, 2008, 3:24 pm
Filed under: Family Matters, Legitimate Gripes | Tags:

565891199110042Jeremy Nedd | Parris

Day after the election my father calls to what I first thought to be a long lost hello. Who knows…perhaps he was one of the many men basking in an effervescent glow inspired by the surmounted success of a man just like him. A black man. President. Yea, that makes me want to call the 30-year-old daughter that I have virtually no relationship with. Shall I get started?

Now, I’m always open to a phone call from pops but I’m wise enough now to know that every call has its agenda. That day it happened to be for the sole purpose of indirectly checking on my mother and brother, whom both he refuses to call directly. I take the ex Marine’s orders and give him the low down on how crazy things have been. I know he can hear the stress in my voice hinting at the need for answers. Like…anyday you can step up and play real dad now. I continue to discuss how his son is going to hell in a hand basket and taking my mother to the grave with him. Stealing her life away by the second on some wreckless ish. What does this idiot do? Starts bitching about something between him and my mom and the divorce that happened fifteen years ago. I couldn’t believe my ears – but then again I could because I’d heard it all before.

There I was listening to something I had nothing to do with nor care about at this point in my life. It was almost as if he were trying to fling excuses as to why he abandoned his son. Me, I turned out a little psychotic, but still a good hearted and loving functioning member of public society. 🙂 My brother on the other hand, no. His birth was my dad’s pride and joy. And while my parents remained together, the two were inseparable. But, when my parents divorced my father made a huge mistake. He divorced a three-year-old little boy that had nothing but women around him to show him how life should be. Even now I find myself giving my little brother man-up talks, playing the role of this clown that won’t step up and be what he should. Instead, he calls and takes no pity on the fact that his son is going to become another statistic and fast. Every day my brother is being sucked deeper, so deep that he doesn’t even look at me the same. His eyes are different, he’s someplace else. Hope you can follow me.

I’m here, stuck with the burden of all this. When something happens, I’m the first one they call. When my brother does another phuked up deed I have to listen to my mother cry. In turn I cry and carry the burden of all of that and this guy. A man whose granddaughters don’t even know or recognize by face has the nerve to call me on some slickness. At that moment, as the poison seeped through my ears and into my heart, I shook my head slowly and felt the cry coming.

Sitting there at my desk, staring at a computer screen flooded with unread emails, I felt my ears getting hotter. I blinked an overflow of tears and wiped my face quickly before someone came by. All of it was too much and I was so disheartened and disgusted by my father’s behavior and attitude in all of this. And what’s sad is that I don’t even think he realizes how much he’s impacted the life of the son he’d left behind. How his neglience has attributed to the decisions that my brother has made, and God forbid he make a son thus continuing the destructive cycle. After a few minutes of the nonsense I ultimately concluded that I didn’t have to listen to his illegitimate gripes and asked, “So, are you going to do anything to help? Can you at least call him?”

Maybe, I mean what do you want me to do about it?” He replied to the question not realizing he’d just finished the conversation.

Put him on hold…and never went back.

-black girl.


18 Comments so far
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I know what that is like. My father bailed out of my life at age of 2, and appeared into my life every now and then. And the reason for that, because of his jealous girlfriend. She put a spell on him or something, black girl. lol. She doesn’t allow him to have contact with any of his kids, AT ALL! Not even my grandmother can contact him. He doesn’t have an escape, unfortunately. It’s too bad, because I REALLY miss him. I have his picture on my desk. Also, My little brother, only 4, is in the same situation that I was in. His dad is in the same situation as my dad, a jealous girlfriend.

Comment by autumn

I know this feeling too well. I dnt receieve calls tho, that would be to much work…
there’s no solace to this which sucks, because until he accepts resposibility the feeling will remain… at least for me.

Comment by BAM!beano

sorry to hear this, i know it addes another layer onto your shoulders. unfortunately your dad is proably never going to stop “failing” you, and it seems like you know this and its just hard to accept how someone can watch their family and son dong badly. thank god they have you, though im not sure how much help you can offer brother if he’s not open to accepting it. i hope he grows up FAST and makes some changes.
miss u.

Comment by Raven

Don’t deal with his crap any longer. My dad is a huge jerk and when he calls with some bullshit or says something i don’t like, i don’t talk to his ass for like 4-5 months lmao. Tell him about his self, let em know whats up. I’m 21 it took me a long time to really let my dad know about how i was feeling but, it was necessary. If i can’t let my dad know how i feel, how would i let my boyfriend or my husband know? You feel me. When will fathers know that them being there (and by there I mean proactively)is essential for their kids?

Comment by Hammer Time

i can’t console – i have no words of wisdom. i lucked out with a father that was there – and awesomely so.

but this IS a viscous cycle. for ALL of you. just see the whole picture. look at how this has affected you.

learn from it. be smart that the ‘boy’ you have a baby with is a MAN. and won’t leave. get scared. get weak. a man who can rise . . . rise above this world. rise to the occasion.

don’t let yourself get so lonely you lose your judgement. its wrong to make the black girl the only one who can break this cycle. but only she can get it started.

Comment by Nyny

Man If I didn’t know the feeling of this. It’s so so sad because it was/is my reality as well. My older brother had to be the man I would go to for advice. And he wasn’t even a full man himself but did all he could to help me. All you can do is stay prayerful for your bro and hope that he can realize he needs to make some changes in his life. Despite having a father or not you still know what’s right and wrong by the time you get older. As for your dad I’d tell him like I told mines “I don’t wanna hear it if you not calling to help don’t call me.”

Comment by Brothers' Blog

There is something about you, that makes me feel like I have know you for a long time, but we are only meeting now..

Your honesty is your power.. Your words changed many people’s lives. Wether purposely or not.. They do..

Keep your head up sister girl..

You are in my thoughts & my prayers because your strength is inspiring…

From a sister .. in the far canadian land..

Comment by Lili

My thoughts and prayers are with your brother. You father is doing the best he can. He honestly doesn’t know how to make his heart do more. NYNY is right. You must break the cycle.

Keep keeping on.

Comment by Jewelryrockstar

Mayn… I feel you… It’s difficult not have the balance of parental energies in the house to raise a child. My mother and father were divorced when I was 8… my mother’s family is a matriarchy and even as a younger sister (who grew up as a tomboy) find myself trying to give “man up’ talks… but it’s lost on him because I have the wrong voice.

Our society is lacking a father figure… and a mother figure… I just wish that these fathers would man up themselves and give their sons the what it means to be a man speech themselves

Comment by Nina Parks

This senario, so many people play over and over, though the senario is different in whatever way its the same enough to realize when its happened to you. I dont have a relationship with my biologcal father, but my step father was around to raise me. He does treat me equal to my sisters, however I can’t deny the difference in the amount he loves us, and trust its different, but can I blame him. Im thankful. And because I have a deadbeat sperm donor my life when it comes to men sucks and I have no relationship with half of my family. and what can I, or we do, Nothing. The cycle has to end. We and our families deserve more. To get to this place of more I wish I knew what to do? Because I have no clue.

Comment by simplechick

though it’s a bit different. i know the feeling. having to always carry the burden and having energy sucked by family. peace to you.

Comment by fly tie

just stay on aboard.. you will be fine

Comment by streetetiquette

Like everyone else, I know your pain. But I decided to not get mad along time ago. All the things my dad didn’t do did not occur so that I could learn how to do them myself. In that I learned an independence and gained a strength that made me the person I am today. It’s sad that your brother didn’t get the guidance that young men need, but luckily you did. It’s out job to fill in where our parents left out.

Comment by TROUBLMan

your writing is so beautiful…the pain came through…too much so…this is too close to me now, I don’t want to think about it…

Comment by Soul Pretty

Stay focused on your children. It can end with them. Are you your brother’s keeper – yes but is he your life – no. When he is ready to be the man you know he is, prayfully he will step up. Just dont let everyone take from you, keep some for yourself and your children. Stay strong , my sister.

Comment by BabyBear

Man, I know where you’re coming from. One thing I’m glad about is that while my parents don’t get along, they do not bitch about their beef with each other. They will only talk about it if asked. But I feel you on how it sucks having a dad who doesn’t really know how to be a dad. I only kinda started developing a relationship with my father as an adult and it’s frustrating. I mean, I’m grown, so why now? But he can be selfish sometimes and I’ve had moments where I’ve rushed him off the phone or cut a visit short because I got so flustered. I’m so not mad at you for what you did. I know that feeling. While the anger and frustration never really goes away, just keep your head up.

Comment by Gangstarr Girl

Pops was feeling guilty that night. As a parent, being witness to such an amazing night in history just made us all emotional. Obviously him being a f*cked up parent was weighing heavily on his mind that night. Give ole pops another try. You only live once. Maybe he’ll catch up on some of that lost child support.

Comment by Mal

I really don’t have any advice to give cause I can’t say I’ve been in your situation. All I can say is that it will be get better, it always does.

Comment by +TUNDE+

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