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So, I’m back, recharged…a lot of things I’ve been meaning to do have been done. Wrapped tight, signed, sealed and first class delivered. I really just had to step away from everything for a while and breathe life into my home and myself. Stepping back to think about me, what I want, where I was going, checking my progress and really making some commitments to myself that I’d failed to keep heart to in times past. It all began the day I found my neatly typed list of 2008 Goals that I’d smothered in the back of a bulky planner, avoiding them like the plague. I was afraid to check my progress until the day they fell out of the secret place. They were right there in my face so I had no choice but to face my fears. As I scanned the organized list of goals and action items I realized that I’d actually achieved a lot of what I’d set out to do. I hate the character flaw that makes me think that things are much worse than the really are. lol. Seeing that I’d done a lot of what I’d set out to do motivated me to push myself to meet the rest of my goals by the end of the year. And in that I was beginning to gain a clear understanding that I cannot continue to apply new philosophy and action to old people , places or things. I have to move on, move alone, and move on my own terms.
Something a former client once told me –
“You know, we’re in our 30’s, not getting any younger. We’re smart and on the cutting edge of what’s next in fashion and business. No time for playing, there’s no time for that cause 40 is just around the corner. I plan to earn my next million before then. Nobody has time to waste on shyt that offers no return, especially people. Stick and move. Get that and you’ll eat forever.”
– flashed in live color across my mind as I stared at my cell phone. Text messaging wars between the dreaded Scorpio and I. Although I’d done my best to prove the astrological theory that a Taurus and Scorpio = disaster, I gave up. When I tell you why and how the techno scrap down began you’re gonna gasp. I did several times before his next message popped up. It was at that point that I thought to myself, “What. The. Hell. Am. I. Doing?” This cat was never gonna hear me through all the damn baggage of his past crowding up his space. How did the inevitable crash and burn ensue? When the man with a chip on his shoulder decided to turn his underlying hatred for women on me.
Two tickets to the Knicks game. I’d gotten them for his birthday because he’s been a basketball fan since birth. Like he came out of the womb dribbling or something. I text to let him know I got the tickets and to make sure we were still on. His text message response was:
“What’s up can I get some?”
My response was, “Under the right circumstances.”
And I EVEN put a little smiley face at the end to make it a little sweeter. According to him the Kool-Aid had no sugar and my comment pissed him off. The next day I spent my morning commute explaining to him that I wanted to get to know him without sex being involved because it kept things clear. Our history was deep so I really wanted to go slow to make sure things remained cool.
“I’m older now,” I said, “And I’m trying to do things differently than in times past. I’m just saying I want to fall in love with someone for all of the right reasons and that takes time.”
There was a short pause so I continued, “I know what your favorite color is but I don’t know if you still draw as good as you used to and,” I said, “have you every read anything I’ve written?”
His response was, “No to both.”
And my point was proven. To claim to want a relationship with me and not know how important writing is to my existence is a very bad thing. Why invest my energy, gas, time, and more importantly body in someone that doesn’t even know me like they should? He still didn’t get it.
Later in the day I asked him if he wanted to ride in one or two cars to the game and he says, “I’m not sure if I’m going I’ll let you know.”
Not even at that point did the crash and burn begin. The fireball went up in full flair when this guy basically tells me that if I don’t want to have sex with him then he needs to save his Friday night for someone that would be willing to give him want he wanted. His key concern in all of our dealings was that he was afraid that I would only want to give him sex on my terms. Ha.
I ended it all with:
I think its best we not talk any more.
Something I’d later find myself saying more and more often to individuals in a life that had officially changed status. The one great thing I did in 2008 was transition from “Whatever You Want” to “My Own Terms” status and that in itself is something to toast to.
Life is short, good… and I certainly have better things to do with my 30’s.
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