Black Girl In The City.

[ My Own Terms ]
December 17, 2008, 11:11 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized


So, I’m back, recharged…a lot of things I’ve been meaning to do have been done. Wrapped tight, signed, sealed and first class delivered. I really just had to step away from everything for a while and breathe life into my home and myself. Stepping back to think about me, what I want, where I was going, checking my progress and really making some commitments to myself that I’d failed to keep heart to in times past. It all began the day I found my neatly typed list of 2008 Goals that I’d smothered in the back of a bulky planner, avoiding them like the plague. I was afraid to check my progress until the day they fell out of the secret place. They were right there in my face so I had no choice but to face my fears. As I scanned the organized list of goals and action items I realized that I’d actually achieved a lot of what I’d set out to do. I hate the character flaw that makes me think that things are much worse than the really are. lol. Seeing that I’d done a lot of what I’d set out to do motivated me to push myself to meet the rest of my goals by the end of the year. And in that I was beginning to gain a clear understanding that I cannot continue to apply new philosophy and action to old people , places or things. I have to move on, move alone, and move on my own terms.


Something a former client once told me –

“You know, we’re in our 30’s, not getting any younger. We’re smart and on the cutting edge of what’s next in fashion and business. No time for playing, there’s no time for that cause 40 is just around the corner. I plan to earn my next million before then. Nobody has time to waste on shyt that offers no return, especially people. Stick and move. Get that and you’ll eat forever.”

– flashed in live color across my mind as I stared at my cell phone. Text messaging wars between the dreaded Scorpio and I. Although I’d done my best to prove the astrological theory that a Taurus and Scorpio = disaster, I gave up. When I tell you why and how the techno scrap down began you’re gonna gasp. I did several times before his next message popped up. It was at that point that I thought to myself, “What. The. Hell. Am. I. Doing?” This cat was never gonna hear me through all the damn baggage of his past crowding up his space. How did the inevitable crash and burn ensue? When the man with a chip on his shoulder decided to turn his underlying hatred for women on me.

Two tickets to the Knicks game. I’d gotten them for his birthday because he’s been a basketball fan since birth. Like he came out of the womb dribbling or something. I text to let him know I got the tickets and to make sure we were still on. His text message response was:

“What’s up can I get some?”


My response was, “Under the right circumstances.”

And I EVEN put a little smiley face at the end to make it a little sweeter. According to him the Kool-Aid had no sugar and my comment pissed him off. The next day I spent my morning commute explaining to him that I wanted to get to know him without sex being involved because it kept things clear. Our history was deep so I really wanted to go slow to make sure things remained cool.

“I’m older now,” I said, “And I’m trying to do things differently than in times past. I’m just saying I want to fall in love with someone for all of the right reasons and that takes time.”

There was a short pause so I continued, “I know what your favorite color is but I don’t know if you still draw as good as you used to and,” I said, “have you every read anything I’ve written?”

His response was, “No to both.”

And my point was proven. To claim to want a relationship with me and not know how important writing is to my existence is a very bad thing. Why invest my energy, gas, time, and more importantly body in someone that doesn’t even know me like they should? He still didn’t get it.
Later in the day I asked him if he wanted to ride in one or two cars to the game and he says, “I’m not sure if I’m going I’ll let you know.”

Wow. Really?

Not even at that point did the crash and burn begin. The fireball went up in full flair when this guy basically tells me that if I don’t want to have sex with him then he needs to save his Friday night for someone that would be willing to give him want he wanted. His key concern in all of our dealings was that he was afraid that I would only want to give him sex on my terms. Ha.

I ended it all with:

I think its best we not talk any more.

Something I’d later find myself saying more and more often to individuals in a life that had officially changed status. The one great thing I did in 2008 was transition from “Whatever You Want” to “My Own Terms” status and that in itself is something to toast to.

Life is short, good… and I certainly have better things to do with my 30’s.

-black girl.


16 Comments so far
Leave a comment

I found your site on Google and read a few of your other entires. Nice Stuff. I’m looking forward to reading more from you.

Comment by Eric Lee

Good to hear from you.. Glad you trusted your instincts. Very important. Also glad that you found out about him now instead 10, 15 years down the line with regrets of couldve shouldve wouldve – terrible things when the mind and heart arent in sync. Trust me you wont even think about him then. Maybe when he matures more and if he returns who knows but right now your in a good place. Kudos to you.

Comment by BabyBear

so this post is the truth. i say this, seeing that men expect, demand and feel entitled to women, without exuding, exerting and projecting actual effort into a situation. the mere idea/thought of brothaman expecting sex from you, (through a text message at that!) made me so angry. you stated in your “black girl you so weird” post, which i so can relate to and deem it one of my favorites, “A creative being’s mind goes deep and complex. Enter at your own risk. Believe it or not my complexity often scares a lot of men away. I won’t lie, I used to dumb down just to have someone around to keep me company. Eventually I said forget it. This is silly and I gotta be myself even if that means being by myself!” this statement validates and solidifies your substance that exists within you, which is your writing and the fact that he doesn’t know that, means he is definitely not worth giving sex to. its all about substance, which then leads to further relations. why is it that men try to skip over that part, and when they do see/experience the intense substance, yes they deem it “weird” or in this case, dont really understand that part and solely want/prefer simplicity? therefore the ‘complexity of your mind’ is a must for him to understand. and i say kudos kudos to you to your transition from “whatever you want” to “on my terms status” yes!

Comment by lovepoetically


Comment by lovepoetically

Oh hell no! Man,reading this got me so pissed,is that guy fo’real! *Smdh* so disrespectful .you get him ticket n all he wants to knw is if he can get shum? I seriously dnt knw wats wrong with some dudes bt wat i do knw is u deserve so much better and u will find it,if nt now,later.stay true to yourself chica n keep writing cus u inspire me x

Comment by Jasmine

That was awesome! I need to be that vibe for the ’09, foreal! Congrats on your breakthrough. I’m not 30 yet, but I’ll be damned if it ain’t close. Time to stop wasting my time on things and people who don’t allow positive progress.


And welcome back!

Comment by southernlady

I’ve followed you blog for quite a while now. You’re a progressive, level-headed, optimistic woman. Focus on your SUCCESS and not on the people who are keeping you from becoming a better YOU. Please, keep writing?!

Comment by Marley

I love reading your blog because you give he realest advice without even trying. How dare he try you on that high-school level. I just did a post about men questioning why they think they have so much power because of what’s between their legs. I think you have the right status for the 09, live life on YOUR terms!

Comment by YoungBlackBeauty

keep following your spirit.

Comment by ananda

You do not know how happy I was to come to work tonight and find that you had not 1 but 2 post waiting for me. I truly love your writing and hope that you only allow positive people within your circle. When you allow positive people around you who truly have your best interest at heart (and you know the feeling)you make it damn near imposible for someone who is not worthy to take up more then a moment of your time. This guy that you are referring to is no more then a learning tool that was used to help show you what you are truly worth and how valuable you truly are. You already know that you are years ahead of this guy and he is unable to step up to your level. Leave him for another female that doesn’t want much for herself, someone who maybe just happy having someone on her arm.
In 2009 we have to want more then body warmers and settle for someone who will take us for granted. Give that energy that you would have wasted on him and aim that towards your passion! My husbands grandmother is 91, one thing she tells everybody that she meets is “Never let the devil still your joy!”
Some people never want to see you happy!

Comment by Mystry

i like the way you ended that conversation and certainly can appreciate and understand where you’re coming from.

Comment by fly tie

Been there, done that. Had twins by it and it’s not fun. you in the right mind state. Keep going because your path is not the road is he walking down. He stupid!!

Comment by kijaluxe

This was a great post. I am 27 got to this point with dudes a couple years ago. I became celebate and just started weeding through the bs alot faster. Like you said when sex isn’t involved things aren’t as “murky” and you are able to discern much faster.

Admittedly I am by myself alot more and I miss sex but I love the fact that there is so much less drama and after I see people for what they are I can just charge it to the game and move on w/o the feelings. I am happy you gave dude the dueces.

Comment by ~Allie.

I will gladly make the transformation from whatever you like to “on my own terms” this up coming year…


Comment by BAM!beano

WOW REALLY is exactly MY reaction. Exaggerate the WOW though.
He is losing and he just lost one. That was so shallow of him. But you’ll keep it pushing, I’m sure.

Loved per usual.

Comment by Mimi

Your situation sounds so familiar…I’m in my late 20s and still haven’t mastered the art of GoodBye…I’ve been so tired of being alone that I pretend and dummy myself down but that’s driving me crazy…I’m not where I ever planned to be professionally, but hey I’ll get there soon.
So stumbling on your blog was a very good thing. It’s motivation to get my black ass back together.

Comment by BL

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s