Filed under: Random Stuff
I AM. EXHAUSTED. And I really can’t say more than that! As a result my blog has been one of the things to suffer since I’m not posting as often, but at least I’m yet holding on, lol.
It’s kinda been one thing after another, not necessarily bad, just a bunch of stuff demanding my time, attention and energy. Last weekend I ignored a scratchy throat and kept with my promise to meet the girls in New Orleans for an impromptu dinner and night on the town. Mind you I’d just gotten over what I thought was a cold, one that kept me too icky to even kiss the squeeze I was under at the time of that visit. Thinking this was not too crazy wouldn’t have been so far fetched – thought maybe I’d aggravated allergies. Wrizzong.
By the time I’d gotten on the plane, met up with the girls, hit dinner and the streets my throat was on FIRE. I even tried one of those big green hurricane grenade slushy things but by the time I got back to the hotel I was drunk AND icky. I had to go to sleep a few hours earlier than the crew – who have since coined me the snooze due to my lame bailout and falling asleep in my clothes.
The next morning I got up, out and on the first flight back to Atlanta taking the first appointment my doc could give me on Monday. Work was so busy that I had to do it from home in between my doctor’s visit even though I felt like hell. I was on the brink of a new project, and stuck with the task of parenthood in spite of. Makes you wonder how much time I really did make for rest. I had no choice and no help so as you guessed it, had to keep it moving.
The Monday doc visit said that I had a sinus germ so I figured, ok, cool. She even said I could go back to work. By the morning I was still feeling illish but went in anyway since I was supposedly not contagious. Ran my routine the entire week only to find out yesterday that I’d had strep throat all along. Part of me was relieved because I knew what I had wasn’t just a sinus yuk and my suspicions had been confirmed. Luckily I’d started antibiotics on Monday.
The way this whole illness thing lingered on and turned to something else was a clear reminder that I’m not superwoman and I really gotta chill. I keep forgetting that I’m not 20 something and jumping from the gym to the car with sweat on my brow in the bit cold probably won’t work too well anymore…among other things.
This weekend I’m still, but just for a minute and to fully mend. I’ll be back 100 soon.
Filed under: Flicks, MUSIC | Tags: January 19, Notorious BIG Trailer, Notorious Film
I’m pretty excited about this movie and hate that I missed the screening for getting my dates mixed up :-(. I’ve purposely not checked reviews because I want to see for myself since every lead character and the Director have some pretty ‘Big’ shoes to fill.
I’m looking forward to the storyline as well hoping that the writers did this screenplay justice. If they leave out one HOT B.I.G. track or an element critical in telling his story they get an automatic F from Black Girl.
Film premiers Jan. 16, 2009 so for those of that have already seen it save your comments for after the drop! (or you’ll be as bad as my mom giving away Seven Pounds for hounding me about my texting while driving habits, lol.)
Filed under: Reflections of a Black Girl
A chunk of time had passed before I’d finally seized back my britches and come to my senses. A conversation with a close friend reminded me of how I tend to make things more serious than they truly are, and it’s not a secret to the world that I live with much heart. So when it comes to challenges and people (especially those in my immediate circle) I have a hard time not treating everything with care and concern. We all know that in itself can become life’s burden. My home girl really checked me and brought me back to soil…“Like for real – fix the problem because this is an essential element you’ll need, and stop believing you’re in control of what happens in your life.”
So in my effort to let life be I had since left my water-filled prison, dressed and had begun the process of cleaning and re-arranging things around my room. I still hadn’t unpacked from my mini trip with *Chris the weekend before so tidying my space was definitely a must on the ‘to-do’. And as I sorted garments and put shoes away remembering the thoughts of my friend, the answer to that prayer I’d put in the air hours before descended upon my thoughts and blurted one word:
That was my issue and somewhere along the way I’d gotten so caught up in the world that I’d forgotten the importance of that lifeline and component. My belief in certain things had gradually chipped away, slowly willowing into a lump of nothingness that ultimately served no purpose. I’d in a sense allowed my freedom to be taken away by losing my Faith in what mattered THE MOST. I really had to check myself and understand that people panic because they do not believe. They don’t believe in themselves enough to trust that the unseen is far more powerful than what is seen. They don’t believe that heart-break could spell blessing, that circumstance can create opportunity, or that hardships build character. I’d essentially forgotten that adversity and challenge sharpen the mind, and without either I wouldn’t be where I am at this given moment. It’s easy to forget when you’re in the mix on your own and dealing with layers of life around you. Somewhere I’d gotten stuck in some kind of whacked out battleship that hovers fields of internalization and isolation.
I plucked my arm and vowed to begin the process of rebuilding my faith. Faith in my family, people, myself and most importantly the ONE that trumps them all. The bug out session may not be my last, but it’s definitely the last of its kind. Especially since I’ve been reminded that there is Freedom in my Faith.
Faith (noun): confidence or trust in a person or thing: faith in another’s ability. Belief that is not based on proof…(oh yee of little, little black girl).
I cowered deep into the water so that only my head was left un-submerged. The panic was coming strong and all I could do was hold on for the guns. As I lay there in the tub, silently whispering, “Why me?” I thumbed through my mental Rolodex thinking of the best friend to call and talk me through it all. But my fingers were paralyzed by the moment and my ears where halfway tuned to the XM radio that crooned vintage rock songs I part-heartedly listened to. Took deep breaths, shifted me eyes to the bathroom window, a cloudy world outside… then back to my toes planted underneath the dripping faucet of the bathtub.
I thought taking a bath would alleviate some of the anxiousness I felt slowly taking over, but seemed as though the silence and warm water made matters worse. I wasn’t sure of the culprit…perhaps being cooped up in house, ill for ages had snatched my laughs and girlish giggles. Though feeling a little better, on the mend physically, my state of mind and like state of panic were the perfect breeding couple – birthing everything that came next. “What’s wrong with me?” I thought trying to fight off the worry that threatened to ruin an otherwise ok day for no effing reason. Have you ever felt that way?
I’d awaken on a positive note, cooked breakfast, and even ate it with a smile on my face, lol so you could imagine my gripes and murmurs of, “WTF is happening and why I am freaking out about everything I can’t control?” Where this internal sense of anguish comes from is a mystery to me, and for a while I thought I was crazy. As the quips were coming stronger and more frequent…to the point where I knew when I was about to get lost in the turmoil of my thoughts, I did my best to clear the mental space and free it from the clutter since I could never simply run and hide before the thunderstorm began. Why would it be that simple?
I was thinking about anything and everything that I had to do but didn’t want to do, yet no real threat danced on the horizon. Shortly thereafter came the adrenalin rushed with thoughts of flight or fight. But fight who? Flee from what? My legs said run but I wasn’t in danger.
This had been my third, so it wasn’t new and I kinda figured it would happen the more I told my silly self NO. No relying on outside sources to deter me from what I should’ve faced long ago. No friends, no alcohol or smoke. Instead I faced my thoughts and chinned up to my feelings like a big girl. And in place of my finger tips gripping for the phone to call a friend, I forced myself to see the problem in hopes of coaxing my heart and mind back to peace. 2008 had been over just a few days before and it was either now, never or plainly put, never live up to what it is I should be. So, instead of trees – I put a prayer in the air and waited for answers…
(to be continued)
Filed under: Reflections of a Black Girl
Felix Ing | Slint.
So here I am, smack chillin on my January 1, 2009 and I still haven’t figured the best way to go about branding myself. My option would be to brand myself as a writer with my own name, or to transition my old company into a newer brainier one and remain the hidden force behind the machine. I should have made up my mind by now and I’m not quite sure what’s holding me back. There are pros ad cons on both ends but regardless of such, and as many biographies as I’ve written in my career, the one I cannot write is my own.
Good news is that I got my first piece of the year distributed today, just like I said I would. Despite my hacking all over the place trying to get a handle on my health I held true to my commitment and followed through. So, while my other friends where drinking in excess and indulging in belligerent fun I was at home staring at a computer screen wondering what the hell to write. To be honest with you what came out scared me. When I went back to read the article it was is if I was reading something someone else wrote. It was very intellectual, philosophical and clean. A step up from the rest so yay me! I also got my first editorial calendar from a mag today and was told to “pick what I wanted to cover” so things are well on their way to project next! Speaking of projects, I haven’t touched either of the two I’d committed to working on prior to the new year. Mainly because I haven’t gotten what I needed and without the necessities black girl cannot move.
Aside from the heavyweight decision of figuring out what’s best for my life, I have to say that my December was a wacky one but enjoyable all the same. I wish I could go count for count the great moments and experiences I had, but there were just too many laughs, memories made and seeds of friendship planted to recount. Looking back at my 2008 in review, I’m satisfied with contending that my number one lesson learned was that of living. In every sense of the word for my family, my friends and myself. I let go of a lot of things and gained so much in return. I sacrificed and gave only to see myself rewarded on many levels at the back end. 2008 is the year I think I officially I grew up while realizing I had a hell of a lot more to do. I became the woman ready to enter the next phase of her life…the fly phase that encompasses everything golden, everything special, and everything that represents me. And I have funny tickle on the back of my neck that says 2009 will be the beginning of a beautiful era where even more lifelong memories are made and people will come and go.
I’m excited about all of the new things in my life this year…the good, bad ugly, and even the royally phuked up because in all my getting, I’ll surely get understanding.
Happy New Year Everyone!