Black Girl In The City.

The “F” Word (or lack thereof): Part one.
January 6, 2009, 2:31 pm
Filed under: Reflections of a Black Girl | Tags:

RengimRengim Mutevellioglu

Faith (noun): confidence or trust in a person or thing: faith in another’s ability. Belief that is not based on proof…(oh yee of little, little black girl).

I cowered deep into the water so that only my head was left un-submerged. The panic was coming strong and all I could do was hold on for the guns. As I lay there in the tub, silently whispering, “Why me?” I thumbed through my mental Rolodex thinking of the best friend to call and talk me through it all. But my fingers were paralyzed by the moment and my ears where halfway tuned to the XM radio that crooned vintage rock songs I part-heartedly listened to. Took deep breaths, shifted me eyes to the bathroom window, a cloudy world outside… then back to my toes planted underneath the dripping faucet of the bathtub.

I thought taking a bath would alleviate some of the anxiousness I felt slowly taking over, but seemed as though the silence and warm water made matters worse. I wasn’t sure of the culprit…perhaps being cooped up in house, ill for ages had snatched my laughs and girlish giggles. Though feeling a little better, on the mend physically, my state of mind and like state of panic were the perfect breeding couple – birthing everything that came next. “What’s wrong with me?” I thought trying to fight off the worry that threatened to ruin an otherwise ok day for no effing reason. Have you ever felt that way?

I’d awaken on a positive note, cooked breakfast, and even ate it with a smile on my face, lol so you could imagine my gripes and murmurs of, “WTF is happening and why I am freaking out about everything I can’t control?” Where this internal sense of anguish comes from is a mystery to me, and for a while I thought I was crazy. As the quips were coming stronger and more frequent…to the point where I knew when I was about to get lost in the turmoil of my thoughts, I did my best to clear the mental space and free it from the clutter since I could never simply run and hide before the thunderstorm began. Why would it be that simple?

I was thinking about anything and everything that I had to do but didn’t want to do, yet no real threat danced on the horizon. Shortly thereafter came the adrenalin rushed with thoughts of flight or fight. But fight who? Flee from what? My legs said run but I wasn’t in danger.

This had been my third, so it wasn’t new and I kinda figured it would happen the more I told my silly self NO. No relying on outside sources to deter me from what I should’ve faced long ago. No friends, no alcohol or smoke. Instead I faced my thoughts and chinned up to my feelings like a big girl. And in place of my finger tips gripping for the phone to call a friend, I forced myself to see the problem in hopes of coaxing my heart and mind back to peace. 2008 had been over just a few days before and it was either now, never or plainly put, never live up to what it is I should be. So, instead of trees – I put a prayer in the air and waited for answers…

(to be continued)

-black girl.


8 Comments so far
Leave a comment

I have come to love your blog! Thanks for the words and for sharing your most intimate thoughts. Peace to you and I send continuous love and light your way!

Comment by Amber

How prolific. I totally feel you and understand. Taking notes too.

Comment by Paulette

How prolific. I totally feel you.

Comment by Paulette

Catching the love and light Amber. Thank you thank you thank you!

Comment by blackgirlinthecity

How inspiring blackgirl. I can relate to this blog, anxiety woke me up at 3am today. I look forward to reading more! =)

Comment by smart0nez

It seems like you’re going through a metamorphosis, which in turn brings some mental growing pains. In 2008 you encountered obstacles, anguish and set backs. 7 days into 2009, you’re still nursing some battle wounds. But having followed your blog for quite a while now, there’s no doubt in my mind that in the end you’ll be victorious.

To answer your question – What’s wrong with me?” I thought trying to fight off the worry that threatened to ruin an otherwise ok day for no effing reason. Have you ever felt that way?

YES, yes, phuk yeah!I often feel like I’m in a heavy weight boxing match just trying to deal with the jabs and hooks life throws at me on a daily basis. Marley 5’2” (112 lbs) vs. LIFE (ginormous). But I’m still standing, and so are YOU!

Fear not the challenges coming in 2009, HAVE FAITH IN YOURSELF!

Comment by Marley

You stated that very well Marley.

Comment by BabyBear

Wow, I can honestly say I know the feeling you’ve explained to the T. I especially love the last line: “So, instead of trees – I put a prayer in the air and waited for answers…” classic. Much love, check me out sometime when you have the time @

Comment by Brittany Ashley

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