Faith (noun): confidence or trust in a person or thing: faith in another’s ability. Belief that is not based on proof…(oh yee of little, little black girl).
I cowered deep into the water so that only my head was left un-submerged. The panic was coming strong and all I could do was hold on for the guns. As I lay there in the tub, silently whispering, “Why me?” I thumbed through my mental Rolodex thinking of the best friend to call and talk me through it all. But my fingers were paralyzed by the moment and my ears where halfway tuned to the XM radio that crooned vintage rock songs I part-heartedly listened to. Took deep breaths, shifted me eyes to the bathroom window, a cloudy world outside… then back to my toes planted underneath the dripping faucet of the bathtub.
I thought taking a bath would alleviate some of the anxiousness I felt slowly taking over, but seemed as though the silence and warm water made matters worse. I wasn’t sure of the culprit…perhaps being cooped up in house, ill for ages had snatched my laughs and girlish giggles. Though feeling a little better, on the mend physically, my state of mind and like state of panic were the perfect breeding couple – birthing everything that came next. “What’s wrong with me?” I thought trying to fight off the worry that threatened to ruin an otherwise ok day for no effing reason. Have you ever felt that way?
I’d awaken on a positive note, cooked breakfast, and even ate it with a smile on my face, lol so you could imagine my gripes and murmurs of, “WTF is happening and why I am freaking out about everything I can’t control?” Where this internal sense of anguish comes from is a mystery to me, and for a while I thought I was crazy. As the quips were coming stronger and more frequent…to the point where I knew when I was about to get lost in the turmoil of my thoughts, I did my best to clear the mental space and free it from the clutter since I could never simply run and hide before the thunderstorm began. Why would it be that simple?
I was thinking about anything and everything that I had to do but didn’t want to do, yet no real threat danced on the horizon. Shortly thereafter came the adrenalin rushed with thoughts of flight or fight. But fight who? Flee from what? My legs said run but I wasn’t in danger.
This had been my third, so it wasn’t new and I kinda figured it would happen the more I told my silly self NO. No relying on outside sources to deter me from what I should’ve faced long ago. No friends, no alcohol or smoke. Instead I faced my thoughts and chinned up to my feelings like a big girl. And in place of my finger tips gripping for the phone to call a friend, I forced myself to see the problem in hopes of coaxing my heart and mind back to peace. 2008 had been over just a few days before and it was either now, never or plainly put, never live up to what it is I should be. So, instead of trees – I put a prayer in the air and waited for answers…
(to be continued)
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