Black Girl In The City.

there go those damn STANDARDS again…
June 3, 2009, 11:01 am
Filed under: Chapter Next, Dating N Stuff | Tags: , ,
Music: Mims // Move (If You Wanna)

I’m convinced I’m single for a reason, and one of my fears is growing to be a stubborn old hag for holding on to what some men interpret as ‘rules’. Here’s a snippet from a convo with someone today. I’d like both the male AND female point of view on this because I’m convinced that the less I talk the more guys stick around, but when I say what I feel is the honest truth the conversation is deaded without notice. My personal relationship with him really isn’t one…we met at a party a few months ago and have remained in touch over phone and email. I don’t have issues with this guy, in fact I like him. Especially his intellectual capacity and appreciation for music. We like a lot of the same things, are in tune to a lot of the same things – but his approach has not been that of someone interested in taking things farther than friendship, at least not in my opinion, so why roll out the red carpet? FYI, I know it seems like I’m coming at him left field, but this was already on my mind based on an email chat we had the night before. I asked him for his mailing address so that I could mail him a CD of new tracks I’d found. He asked me why I had to mail and I explained that it seemed like that’s what I’d have to do since we could never seem to catch up. (again, I’m cool with that!) He commented that I was never available, and I commented that maybe if we could find time before 11pm to chill then I may be a bit more accessible.   Sorry to say but I slept on it, and this is what we chatted about today…

HIM: you sleeping wit me 2nite?

ME: lol – Now why would I do that when you’re not even given up no D?

HIM: Didn’t know it mattered….

ME: It does. If we aint fukin then I don’t know what to tell you LOL!!!!!!!

HIM: Oh well thought u might wanna get rubbed on.

ME: Seriously though, I love to get rubbed on – all of that but i haven’t spent enough personal time with you to know whether or not I’d be cool with you even rubbing on me! Lol I feel like we’re skipping steps. Phone chats to sleep overs. Sure if that’s what you’re looking for…thats just not what I’m looking for.

U’d be cool, this I know, I don’t follow steps I do what I want…no rules here, just standards.

Well I never mentioned rules, but while we are on the standards part.

HIM: What are u looking for?

my Standards say that I prefer to get to know someone on neutral ground first [name’s] crib is not neutral. What I’m looking for is someone that I can feel comfortable being around, a homie first.

I don’t follow guidelines tho, its always up to you…

ME: Ok well – whenever we are able to link up we can talk about it.

HIM: A homie is just that a homie – I find that most women can’t handle that.

ME: Most women that are digging you can’t handle that. I’m not certain that two individuals that have a mutual attraction for each other can just be friends but for me, that’s an important starting point.

True maybe its just because they usually do, if u’r different that’s cool but I like to end up where I start. So I’m fine with homies but that’s it.

ME: ha – and that’s the whole premise. Friendships last so much longer and to me are much more honest than quickly woven relationships no matter how deep they become. I have a few male friends and I know more about them than their own lover(s) do lol – That’s the kind of partner I’d like to have one day. Someone’s who’s my true friend. So…
If you wanna stay my friend forever cool – but that means I can’t spend the night until I’m comfortable taking you out of the “hmmm I kinda like this dude” category.

Understandable, you call the shots.

ME: …although I look forward to the day where I don’t have to call the shots – at least all of the time!

U wanna make guidelines and then say u don’t call shots lol…..go figure

no – I said I look forward to the day where I don’t have to!
But as a single woman on my own I have to have standards to go by
otherwise I’d be run through and run down hella quick you know?
(pause) guess not lol

Nah I don’t. No problems over here tho……..u go girl : )

ME: whatever dude.

Why I gotta be the dude now?

Your comment put you in the dude category lol – I’m kidding
its just something I say Like…yea, ok…whatever…


The impression I get is that you are already pre-occupied in the romantic area but are open to sharing your pockets of free time with someone interesting. Based on your invites I feel as though I am a last minute, last resort type thing like…I’m chillin tonight let me see what’s up with [Black Girl]. That’s not what I’m looking for which is why i haven’t come over…late at night anyway

ME: Don’t mistake it for me complaining though. It’s just an observation that I’ve picked up on from day one, but i thought telling you might help you better understand my POV in terms of the Standards we mentioned.

Nah that’s not it I think u’r real cool and def interesting but again I do what I want because I can. Women who are used to controlling men (at least initially) find me either as a turn off or an addiction. It all boils down to understanding my value as a man…a black man. U won’t find 2 many like me tho….

Hmm – so its coming out. Do you get the impression that I am used to controlling men?

Manipulative slightly…….maybe. Most women are tho…….so u’r normal

ME: No – I think you have it mistaken. Manipulative is not my style in any way.

HIM: Ok u should be ok following the lead then, I’m leading

ME: I don’t just follow any lead so manipulative or controlling doesn’t apply. You have to give me a reason to trust you enough to follow your lead. I need to trust you first. Quite the contrary, I allow people to be who they are. Especially men – and my attitude is to take it or leave it. Controlling or trying to change the fabric of someone’s character is a waste of time. So I listen, observe and based my decisions off of what I am shown.

HIM: As u shouldn’t but I’m not trying to convince u to do anything u don’t want to….just explaining my style, that all…..

ME: Gotcha – I know you’re not but you said I was manipulative in a way, sorta controlling. And I wanted to address that before we went any further because I don’t want my moves to be misinterpreted.
But you brought up a good point because Black women can be controlling, manipulative, crazy. More than 50% and I agree its a problem. But recognize quality too – don’t get them mixed up because I look forward to following a LEADER

HIM: ‘Just dialogue that’s all….

ME: word (long pause) where you go?

-black girl.


31 Comments so far
Leave a comment

i started to get pissed off while reading that you know lol i don’t think he gets it and it kinda touched a nerve cus’ he sounds similar to a guy i knew,i weren’t allowed to know where he lives yet he wanna know where i live :s he wanted me to do what he wanted and when he realised i ain gonna dude got mad and started telling me that other girls dont have a problem with it and as i told him before i ain like them girls.i find it funny that alot of guys tell girls they ain all the same yet he wanna come out with something like that

that kind of behaviour is such a turn off and very childish *smdh*

weigh out the pros and cons and then decide if u need this person in your life

Comment by jasmine

I agree with jasmine. I was looking at his convo with the side eye. He basically has the mindset he can do whatever he wants when he wants and he is clearly used to meeting women that allow him to do just that. Then he judges you by calling you manipulative at categorizes you by saying it’s normal behavior for women to be that way. Not fair or cute. Weigh him out.

Comment by YoungBlackBeauty

this conversation sounds ohh sooo familiar… i just don’t understand why guys always want you to do for them when they feel its convenient for them, but if you were to tell them about their “mis-haps” then they wanna get all defensive.

If you don’t feel comfortable with the way he’s trying to go about things, forget him… I feel like sometimes you have to do that…

Comment by truth_hurtZ

Wholly Snip. Your conversation reads all to well like my convo, text, & chat dialouge between myself & potential date-e’s. I have come to the conclusion & made peace that I may forever remain single. lol His problem is his gigantic ego & the fact that he believes his hind part is slick. I do not understand what it is with our men. if we give it up easily we are put in a box & not taken seriously. hince seeing him after 11pm, he will think that’s all ur good for. However if you demand that he puts in the time to get to know your mental capabilities befor your physical, you are labeled controlling. I dated a man just like this one. Every time I expressed my thoughts or feelings he labeled me as analytical or controlling. He said me expressing my thoughts was arguing in a peaceful tone but still arguing lol @ his bs. If you could have seen his face when I asked him questions just the normal run of the mill I’m not easy questions . You would have died of laughter. Finally I asked him did he dislike expressive women and he responded he liked his women docile. UNBELIVABLE. needless to say we do not speak anymore. I would become his eaisly trained, taught or manipulated perfect women. sorry I’m long written. Hang in there Black Girl:-)

Comment by karmascir

Sorry that was suppose to be *wouldn’t* become his easily trained, taught or manipulated perfect woman. lol

Comment by karmascir

I have no idea what I just read! Sounds like straight bullshit to me (on his part). He thinks he’s slick and the shit. Simply put, kick rocks. Although, if it were me, I’d entertain his conversation again to see what other foolery comes out of his mouth. Dudes kill me! Supposedly, you’re so interested, but we only communicate electronically. And that’s great, really, because I don’t know you. But then you hit me with the “come chill” and it’s downhill from there.

And how in the hell you gon’ start off a conversation alluding to sex? Whatever dude! (That’s my lil saying, too!)

Comment by Southern_Lady

I can’t stand when dudes think they are one of a kind when they clearly are not. He aint the only negro passing out dick. He’s a j.o.

Comment by NotForTheFaintOfHeart

This is what pisses me off about men. They know their power, because there are more than enough woman who are willing to give into their demands. I say ladies, it is time to take control of our lives. Do not give into premature bullshit that you are not ready for. Be classy, and let a man know that you deserve the upmost respect; and if he can’t oblige, then you know you ain’t missed shit when you dismiss his ass. How is he going to talk about getting “rubbed on” when you don’t even know where he lives. Typical male bullshit. I say forget about him. I am sure he can find some insecure woman who will sacrifice her self-respect to fulfill his narcissistic demands.

Comment by Totallyunderstood

I could swear u writing about me!! I went through a similar situation with a guy who actually started off being my friend, which I think is the best way to get to know a guy.. So anyways, we started having sex but we’re not boyfriend and girlfriend. Because he basically told me that he didn’t think I’d shown him that I have the potential!! It was the most insulting thing I ever heard!!
How the hell is he gonna tell me that I might not be qualified to be his girl?!?!
But I figured it out.. He couldn’t handle a girl who is strong, a girl who’s not afraid to speak her mind, a girl who follows her heart and mind before she follows anyone else..
Luckily, I left him alone before I was hooked.. Sad though, because I lost a good friend!

Comment by BlackSwedishGirl_In _LA

Looks like I’m the only male commenting on this. Ladies, I completely agree with everything ya’ll have said. I tell this to my wife as well. She has friends who put up with dudes who, if I were a female, I would kick to the curb quickly. Guys that can’t keep a job, guys that have 3 kids and 2 baby mamas. Guys who play PS2 all day and think the woman will take care of them.

But, there is a flip-side to this and it’s called stereotypes. Some of ya’ll black sisters are spoling these men. I’m willing to bet each one of you has a friend who is in a relationship she knows she shouldn’t be in. I’m pretty sure ya’ll have enlighten her as to why the guy is no good but she won’t listen. Which brings me to the moral of my story.

As long as there are women out there willing to do whatever it takes to get money, get fame or keep a man, they will drown out the voices of the strong, black, respectable sisters. This is true is all parts of society. One apple spoils the whole bunch. The guy who this blog is about has been running this game on women probably for a while now. What makes you think he’s going to change?

Comment by DaBlakkMan

Women have to want to accept the relationship if you cant do that one of you is going the other direction.

reading that im just thinking hes not very good bc I wouldnt of said that lol. Y he has to talk about everything he is/capable of?

If you are having sex with someone after being friends you both should just enjoy that n realize something told you to just do it that way. Its not as wrong as ultimately lying

Comment by Lion

He might be nice. It looks like he is getting in his own way, and if you got a better reading from him you could probably judge him less.
He should spend a little time with you and obviously show something, you cant just lead if your doing it will be known

Comment by Lion

Whew, this is fraught with land mines. I’ll try to inject some of my own male perspective and bit bit of levity. There was a little too much, too soon sex talk in the exchange(unless y’all had already hot locked horizontal a time or two) If you did sex up, then sex talk shouldn’t be a surprise as a topic within conversation. Women, for the most part, have to feel comfortable with a guy before anything gets too deep. Men, if this is the kinda woman you are dealing with, make time for face time to build a foundation of rapport and comfortability. Stay cool, see was she’s talking about. Women, do the same. Just know that it may take awhile to hit the sheets even if all goes well. If and when that time comes, both parties should state it plain what they are looking for. If you’re not willing to do this, then leave it alone, disengage. That’s ok. Rejection is 50% of the game. But at the same time, don’t rely on one woman/man or anyone to fulfill your needs or make you happy. I ain’t saying turn into super playa/playette but most women have a few options, make sure you do too. Hedge your bet, she more than likely will. Stay mobile, change up your playbook depending on the type woman you are dealing with and don’t be afraid to call some audibles – you may surprise her in a good way. Don’t put up more(emotionally, time, financially etc) than you are willing to lose.

Comment by Blksabre

Generally speaking I agree with Black Girl 100% and enjoy this blog very much. However there was a statement that Black Girl made during the call that bothered me. (Quote) “But you brought up a good point because Black women can be controlling, manipulative, crazy. More than 50% and I agree it’s a problem.”

This guy and this conversation is so second grade. As a 30something year old woman, I would never have validated any of his foolishness by suggesting that part of the problem is the black woman. This is a man who thinks and behaves like a child and he has been successful with his antics because “women” have allowed him to be.

Black, white, yellow or brown, WOMEN in general have allowed this type of behavior to occur for far too long. Do black women have problems? YES but every woman has issues she needs to work on and I do not agree that 50% of black women are controlling, manipulative and crazy.

Black Girl should have ended the phone call after the (Quote) “you sleeping wit me 2nite?” statement.


Comment by ucancallmeive

I too can relate and have encountered a guy or TWO just like “Dude” and I could not agree more that Black Girl should have ended the phone call after the (Quote) “you sleeping wit me 2nite?”

Because after that BOLD statement, there really is nothing left to ponder. He let it be known from the jump what he wanted. He could care less about your wants,interest, needs, yada, yada, yaddddddddddaaaa. The whole exchange was like jibberish to him and once he really realized he was not going to get what he set out to get, conversation over!!

These types of men are not looking for loving friendships, which could lead to a relationship. They’re looking for a Booty call/text/IM/Email/ buddy….key word buddy. I had a guy tell me the same thing, that he wanted to be the “leader” but he could not tell me or better yet show me where he was leading me to………….

So Black Girl, next time he try to run that game on you, tell him my favorite saying for his type “N*gga Please”>>>>>>>>

Comment by MzChaCha

This is all game. Note it. First thing a man (and I am using this term very loosely) like this does when you are not making what he wants easily accessible is to try to suggest that what you are doing/saying etc. is childish and/or like all the other chicks he has dealt with instead of dealing with YOU and what you stated. Ladies, when you hear it call it what it is – a b&*ch move. He is low level attacking instead of asking DIRECTLY for what he wants and accepting the answer he is getting and moving forward and trying again. He is also running game with the he has no rules just standards. Ummm, who cares about his rules or standards? HE is the one clearly wanting something, ummm, not YOU. Bruh does not understand his role. Obviously he is used to women who have no standards or rules. That statement was to assert/remind you that what he wants surpasses your needs/want. There was absolutely no concern for you as a person in any of the text he forwarded you. You are just a warm body that he can chex up when he is in the mood. He is no leader – just a manipulating lil’ boy. Keep taking care of you and when he texts again tell him he can keep it moving. Next.

PS – Please note the “game” in some of the male responses that you have. Take your time and read through their responses thoroughly. Where is the concern for YOU? Mental game and convincing women that what they (men) want/need is often/usually more important than what the woman wants/need is what a lot of men play and “score” with. All game is not bad, but recognize when it is totally stacked against YOU and your interest. Recognize game ASAP and play the game accordingly.

Comment by Nikita

I believe he is in a relationship. Leave him alone. You will only get hurt with this one. He isnt ready for a girl like you.

Comment by BabyBear

This was a really interesting entry to read, particularly the attendant comments. Why do women not attempt to understand male behaviour? His intention is clearly to have sex with you, just as it is the intention of every other male when he encounters a female he is attracted to. Why are modern women still baffled by this? Of course he has to run game, when in the world did forthrightly requesting sex from an acquaintance yield positive results? Of course women are manipulative and controlling, just as men are. If a woman wasn’t manipulative or controlling she would be having sex with anyone to whom she was attracted to who demanded it. The mere fact that you have a standard implies control. Thats tacit in male female interaction. You control access to your physical body and your emotions. In order to prevent the man from playing the field you have to manipulate him into thinking that you are qualitatively superior to other females with whom he may interact. That is why women try to employ emotions such as longing and inspiring feelings of jealousy, by either being just out of reach, or using the attention of another suitor as a fient. These are the rules of coupling and to a lesser extent mating. Its a constant back and forth. I agree with Nikita, in the initial period, you have to be concerned with your own self interest. It is only upon the commencement of a relationship that the individual should attempt to relinquish those feelings, and attend fully to the other.

Comment by Cuckold

Wow! There is a lot of ammo in this thread to comment on, but I’ll attempt to be brief.

I find it quite unfortunate that soo many women can relate to this same experience. But then again, not really (not a slight at the fairer sex).

The anonymity of the ‘net has allowed this young man to amplify his true character – or lack thereof. I agree with a comment from an earlier poster, in that he said a lot of saying nothing. If he had any real “game,” he’d have at least tried to soften his stance and attempted an end around. LOL. But I’m sure BG still would’ve seen through his shenanigans.

Comment by brothafromanotherplanet

This guy sounds married. By wasting ANY time on this mess you miss out on the good man.

Comment by DJ

*News Flash* He was running game. He prolly already has a girl and wanted you to be his late night j.o. When he saw you weren’t going for this he tried to make you feel guilty enough to go for it. I respect you ma for sticking to ya guns

Comment by Tony

Black Girl-Tell him to kick rocks!~!!
I used to expend a lot of time, attempting to maneuver through the BS, however from the moment “I” understood my worth, I no longer respond to the IM, TEXTS, or phone calls after 8 pm. If you didn’t think about me before the sun went down, your’e just not that into me! Grounds for ME to keep it movin..

Comment by ConservativeElegance

This has put the icing on my cake tonight. I met a fellow back in Feb and he appeared to be exactly what BG has so truthfully expressed in this article. However, it does appear that men only want sex before getting to know a women mentally as well as spiritually. I ended up letting the guy go and have told him numerous time to leave me alone and meant it. But he con’t to call day after day. I might have to get my number changed. Peace.

Comment by Valencia

This guy is a dumbass, and it talking out of both sides of his mouth. If he was intersted in you outside of a booty call, he would ASK YOU ON A DATE at a REASONABLE HOUR, one that didn’t involve your place or his. Guys kill me with that maniacal nonsense talking about women are controlling or manipulative if they are not willing to put up with the status quo bullsh*t the guy is accustomed to dishing out. The real problem lies in the fact that he truly wants a real woman, but doesn’t know how to handle one, so when she presents herself, it’s back to the games again. Please. Tell this fool to kick rocks. ASAP ASAP like T.I.

Comment by Diva Style

is talking* out of both sides of his mouth.

Comment by Diva Style

I loved this blog just by the way… But what got me waswhen hesaid something like, “I like to end upwhere I start”. THAT DOESN”T EVEN MAKE LOGICAL SENSE> Who does that? Most people start something with an end goal in mind. See I knew dude was on some other type stuff at the beginning, becasue you had already said ya’ll don’t really have a relationship but he asked u to come ova’ uder the guise that he was only goning to rub on you. That is the oldest, trap in the woods. THe rubbing is suppose tto lead to something else. Who the hell doesn’t know that. But I really knew he was stupid when he said, “I like to end up where I start”.

No offesne to any one man becasue I know that there are some wonderful brothers out there, but ya’ll will say anything to gget what we already know you are after. Here’s a secret, we already know if you’re gonna get it or not, so being honest works just about as well as saying something you don’t mean. I’VE CERTAINLY SAID ENOUGH LOL,
But I see what you tried to do, you said ” Hey u are obviously otherwise occupied which is why u dont call me til 11, and I’m ok with that, but just know you ain’t gettin none! LMAO PURE COMEDY!

Comment by Deesigner from Dallas

Um, yeah, everything ucancallmeive said. He didn’t deserve the privelige of a conversation much less a cosign on Black women being controlling and manipulative. I would have hung up after “you sleepin wit . . . “

Comment by Arnetta Green

Dude said you aren’t gonna find many like me….part 1, is that a BAD THING? Part 2, seriously I’m so irratated with guys thinking they are the cat’s meow. Sweetheart just because someone called you a good dude doesnt mean ANYTHING. Stop with the “cocky” shit, its PLAYED and I’m so calling dudes bluffs nowadays. I just dont have time, get off the high horse “HIM” (and others like “HIM” or get KNOCKED OFF. (Chawl I had to get that off my chest)

Comment by My2Sense

As weird as this might sound to many of you who have commented already, I actually like his (very typical) style! After reading it, I felt like he was playing a role for power. Yes you as a woman can be strong, intelligent, independent, have standards and all that other good stuff but I think sometimes Black woman don’t know how to be vulnerable and simple.

I say that because, in a nutshell she said to him “negro please! I have standards and you are not working hard enough to meet them” And he is saying “ oh ok, another strong black woman……. yawn!”

When you first meet someone, we all play roles and sooner or later those roles breakdown to reality. If you are secure in who you are and your standards, you know what you will allow yourself to do and not do; in that regard,
I would have fell back, chilled with him that night because I am secure within myself to know, I do what I want and I have power but ill let you feel you have it for right now……

Black woman always have to put their power and standards on display! I am one of them and im learning to shade it a little more and allow a man to feel in control.

Comment by Enigma

I’m feeling a little of what Enigma is saying but we woman have had this conversation before if not often. This guy is clearly looking for sex…and a “friend with cherries on top”. Steve Harvey explained this type of situation in his book. This guy just wants some booty…its clear from his first line…I had a guy do the same thing to me. If a guy is truly interested the convo would be totally different and he wouldn’t mind getting to you know you as a friend first. Plain and simple.

Comment by Connie

Girl listen to everyone bc TRUST me save urself the heartache n stop talkn to him. I was in a situation where i met a guy who was selling me dreams within a week he was already sayn “let me kno when you stop talkn to other guys, im talkn to you to take it to the next level n not just be “ur friend”. We were good until one day i sent him 2 txt mess askin to see him bc i was gona be busy with for the rest of the week n that changed the convo into why im blowin up his phone, n being Emotional n selfish and cant i be like i was before more chill.. let me mind you this is the guy who was hugged up n kissn me in the club but changes how he feels. i should have know from when he first said “I DO WHATEVER I FEEL, I HAVE NO RULES”. from now on thats my key Red flag………. Forget childish men!! Girls rock:). Number one lesson “NEVER SETTLE”!!!

Comment by Girlpower

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