Black Girl In The City.


…a lesson in LOVE.

michelle_obama

I waited to write on purpose. Partially because I was in a state of shock, but mainly because I wanted to take it all in before digesting and regurgitating soon thereafter. I wanted to take in the radio commentary and early morning news coverage that recapped a night in history I never thought I’d live to see. I wanted to take in the air around me today because it was different. Shoot, waaay different.

We were pretty much chilling around the crib surfing channels when this came to my blackberry:

—– Original Message —–
From: NYTimes.com News Alert <nytdirect@nytimes.com>
To: XXXXXXXX
Sent: Tue Nov 04 23:11:50 2008
Subject: News Alert: Senator Obama Will Win Presidency

Breaking News Alert
The New York Times
Tuesday, November 4, 2008 — 11:08 PM ET
—–

Senator Obama Will Win Presidency

The New York Times projects that Barack Hussein Obama will be
elected the 44th president of the United States, sweeping
away the last racial barrier in American politics with ease.

Read More:
http://www.nytimes.com/?emc=na

[end]

That’s when we tuned in and glued eyes to the television in awe. My mouth was open, and I may have fallen asleep the same because I woke up the next morning ready to catch flies, lol. I went on through my day trying to behave as normal as possible, soaking up the reactions of friends, family, the world and everyone else. Kept the television locked on CNN all day while I worked, occasionally fighting giggle bursts when I’d hear things like “Learn what’s next for the first Black President of the United States,” or I’d see images of Michelle Obama’s bangin dress as she held the hands of two little girls that reminded me a lot of my own.

I’ve watched people talk about how our Nation is now on the right path because of our new leader, and I’ve heard folks say that they’re ready to see how President Obama will tackle the issues. I’ve heard a lot of weight being placed on one single man. But I see fit to remind you that this entire movement is larger than one man, you or I as individuals. The real feat behind this historic moment is not that a Black man ran for President and won because the real fruits of our success have yet to be seen…

If Barack Obama does nothing more for this nation and the world I think he has done more than enough. If Michelle Obama does nothing more for the little Black girl with low self esteem , she’s done more than enough. Many of us have never tasted the jump highs of success let alone enjoyed being a part of the winning team. And for the first time in history we can all share in something that has perhaps even broken the spell-like trance of apathy, ignorance and isolation that has plagued Black people for so many years. That in itself is more than enough when I see people feeling good, focused and ready to try new things because they have seen what can be accomplished through focus, strategy and LOVE. What this means to African Americans should be a hell of a lot more than the obvious “Black man in the White House”. There is always a deeper meaning.

We’ve gotten a taste of what it feels like to have the rest of the world follow an unconventional lead and support what’s right vs. what has always been. I’m thinking that little Black boys held their heads a little higher today because for once they weren’t being publicly recognized as the coon, thug or villain. They were able to see themselves as heroes and leaders because someone has shown them through love and a passion for community that there are options and alternatives if they work wisely toward them. A Black couple on the verge of divorce could have very well decided to stick it through because through this election they were reminded of what Black love should look like. How it should move, breathe and feel in the face of adversity and hard work.

At the end of the day it’s not about race, how we’ll dig ourselves out of the money crash, nor is the priority on how we’ll strengthen foreign policy. I have an uncanny feeling that for the Obamas, the decision to put their lives on display and risk everything was grounded in something far greater than simply “tackling the issues.” I think that like myself, their key motivators have a lot to do with a future that can be given to a people by showing them how its done.

…and that’s love.

-black girl.



ask black girl .03: find your anthem
August 30, 2008, 6:43 am
Filed under: ASK BLACK GIRL | Tags: , , , ,

Christina Myers

Hello Black Girl,

I’m a big fan and I’ am a 19year old very mature black girl who was in a relationship with a 22-year-old man boy. I’m having a very hard time in my life right now. When I first met him I’d just turned 18 and I didn’t want a relationship. He made it clear how he wanted me to himself only and he treated me so good. He would give me money every time he’d see me. He used to always say “I just want to make u happy” and if I was mad he always made me feel better. He was everything I wanted.

I broke up with him 3 times to figure out what I wanted but he always came back to me with no problems. This time he broke up with me in a text message. He wants to be friends but we can’t be friends. We didn’t start off as friends so we can’t end that way. I made it clear how much I loved him and if I can’t have him as my boyfriend I don’t want anything to do with him.

I have become very depressed from this. One minute I am laughing about the good times and then I cry then I go a whole day without eating. I don’t have much support around me and he was my main support system he supported me in everything. I’m even more sad because I have found out he has a new girlfriend. I have very low self-esteem. I try to keep it rolled up so no one knows. Many of my friends say I’m so pretty but I don’t see it all the time. The new girlfriend is beautiful (it hurts me to say it, but she is). And I keep thinking this girl must be better then me for him to leave me for her. He moved on to soon for it not to be the case. I’m even more upset with myself because I know if he tries to get back in my life I would allow him. This whole break up has f**** me up real bad in the inside. I’m just asking if u can give me some advice, I’ll take anything u can offer me. Thanks – Ashley, Los Angeles, Ca.
—–

Baby girl you have so many different layers going on here I’m not sure where to start. I so don’t wanna sound like a hag when I tell you this but really…you are too young to be so emotionally intertwined with someone. I’m only saying it because I’ve been where you are. Girls like us are the ones that seem wiser and more mature than our counterparts, and sometimes people don’t get that we think far beyond our years which is why we tend to want to lead adult-like lives. Or maybe they just call that being fast as hell…

I’ve also been right where you’ve been and right where you are. My home girl and I where just talking this morning about how things become when the ‘honeymoon’ is over – and how you gotta be prepared to bounce our work backwards to try and build because nobody wants to build during the honeymoon. Ask yourself: What foundation did you build your love for him on? When the honeymoon is over, what will survive between the two of you?

Humans by nature are drawn and magically attracted to anything new. Sometimes it doesn’t matter what it is or what it looks like, only that it’s new. When we’re excited about the new we get the positive feelings that come along with it. I call it the ‘up and up’ phase. When you’re on the up and up you’re not worried about the foundation you’re building in the process. But when it falls back to reality what will you land on? Did you spend lots of time building a foundation or did you spend time partaking in the pleasures that took you higher? I think you answered the question yourself when you said, “ He wants to be friends but we can’t be friends. We didn’t start off as friends so we can’t end that way.”

What you think is love is not. Love is not indecisive and it doesn’t waver back and forth as emotions do, thus my theory that it should never be founded upon or categorized as an emotion. My personal definition is that Love is solid and grounded in a conscious choice to remain committed to the cause of two or more. At the end, love stands and can remain standing despite how things may seem. It always prevails when allowed. In the relationships arena I would say it takes time to build anything strong, and it takes two adults that have seen and experienced enough to know what they want and expect. And even then shyt gets crazy!
Here are some of the things I did and came to realize during my time…

Get this book:

Mental Resilience: The Power of Clarity by Kamal Sarma. It focuses on finding emotional tranquility, developing insight, cultivating wisdom and bringing them all together. It also teaches the basic techniques for meditation, something I highly recommend for you. It comes with a meditation CD and can be found at most public libraries if you don’t want to buy.

Forget Myspace!

Myspace can be cool but it can also be the devil. It tempts you to go digging where you were never meant to dig in the first place. You found out he had a girlfriend that way because you allowed yourself to be open to that.

Forget Her!

I’ve suffered from self-esteem issues all of my life, but when I thought about it and really got my self together I understood that sometimes it really isn’t about you. Self-esteem issues often derive from things that people have done or said to us. The sooner you understand that people are crazy as hell and have their own issues, the sooner you’ll be able to understand that it’s not about you even if its directed or done to you.

Going back to the new new principle, many men are particularly cruel violators of this practice. You can be the most beautiful, most intelligent dream girl of a woman and at the end of the day you still aren’t better than the new new. Fresh prey is always better then the prey one is already nibbling on no matter how juicy it is . See what I’m saying? It’s not about you, it’s not even about her per say, the main reason is that she is something new and juicy to bite into.

Stop Being Public Enemy # 1

Negative thoughts are poison. They can literally destroy your life from the inside out. The mood swings…been there. Not eating…been there. Crying and wondering what she has that I don’t…been there too. The culprit in all of the above is negative thinking. That is what’s causing you to feel bad about yourself. Who would want to deal with a psycho girl that cries and doesn’t eat? I wouldn’t feel good if I told myself I was that person every day either. When you catch yourself stop it. Period. You’re going to have to gain control over your thought process if you want to control your life. The hardest thing on earth is to become the manager and boss of your own consciousness because once you become aware of how you think you realize how incredibly messed up things are, lol. But that’s a part of the process. Work through those things so you can control them and how you feel about you on the inside. Investing in yourself can have great return when you learn how to control your mental portfolio by keeping tabs on what’s coming in and going out.

Re-Focus your Attention & Stick to Your Guns

Bottom line, he wants to ‘still be friends’ because he wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants to keep access to your life while he does what he wants knowing that you are still emotionally tied to him… willing to give him the same benefits you gave him while the two of you were in a relationship. He doesn’t deserve you because if he did you would be with him so get it out of your mind that he may come back or want to make amends. If he does it won’t be for what you think and you’ll end up worse. You were right. You didn’t start as friends so you can’t be friends unless you choose to open the door. Try to avoid anything that reminds you of him and or would allow him access to contact you until you are ready and if that day ever comes. Anyone that does what he did hasn’t grown enough to understand the value in people and especially women. Keep your word and keep him away.

Pay Attention to what matters

…..and he doesn’t! You do. Your friends do. Your future matters, and so does your physical health. Who you are as a person matters and everything around us is a reflection of who we are. The way he treated you is not who you are and the way this situation is making you feel is not who you are either. Make a list of everything that matters to you and try only to invest your time and energy in those things in a given day. That’s when all of the garbage that’s not supposed to be in your life is visible and can be carted away. But you’re the only person that can do that.

Step Your Game Up & {Find Your Anthem}

Find a song, or two or three…I don’t care how many but find the track that pushes you on when you want to go back or give up. The one you’re listening to now was mine. Still is! Also recognize. Pay attention to your surroundings and learn more about how things tick versus what they do. Ole boy was giving you money as part of his plan to snag you and keep you. To heighten those good feelings as much as possible so you wouldn’t forget about the sweet ‘up and up’. For some reason a man only has to do something a few times for us to beleive that it will be there and always avaialbe. Consistnecy is key. If he’s not doing it consistently, chances are that what he’s doing has a motif behind it…most often times the motif is control.

Try to learn as much as you can in order to know and apply. The best skills are developed with experience so be prepared to fall in and out of love perhaps a few more times before you fully understand what it is and all that comes with it. Relax…time is on your side. This guy is not worth your time or energy.

Good luck,
-black girl.



man, what a summer!
August 8, 2008, 7:36 am
Filed under: Reflections of a Black Girl | Tags: , , ,

{You’re Not Ready | But Click It Anyway}

I just left Sasha’s house. Took some time off of work to take care of some things…Sasha was already downtown so we hooked up for a second. It was really hot today and I wonder how the summers will be like 20 years from now. I just wanna be able to go to the park and sit on a blanket without feeling like I’m in a baking dish! Sweating is so not cute on an easy breezy day…well in most cases lol. Speaking of summer, this summer was a CRAZZZZZYYYY ONNEEE! Sasha and I were laughing about it in the car as we oogled a cop directing traffic. It had definitely been a summer to remember. The good, the bad and the beautifullyphukedup, I watched each of my friends grow into their dreams and others discover their lifelong purpose. I loved it all. I kinda feel like I was put on some kind of accelerated learning program in the school of life because I learned a gang o’ shyt! In fact, I think everyone around me did. Some conceived, some lost and some (most recently) birthed new life. 🙂 Personal and family relationships are mending, some are just beginning. I’ve seen Marriages…divorces…homelessness….victories…breakthroughs..relocations…life altering events and the birth of so many things new. When I said that this would be a year of change I had no effin IDEA! I lost some friends and gained a few old ones back, but the best part of all, I learned the importance of loving without fear. For once in my life I took a chance and gambled what I thought was my last. Yea, I fell on my ass hard a few times, but I would never regret a single day or a single tear. When I thought about it though, I felt like I had lost my last when in actuality I had gained so much more. I’m thankful for that. And at the end of it all, if I’m ever asked if I’ve experienced love I can say, “Yes,” and when they ask, “What did you love?” I can smile and proudly say…EVERYTHING.

-black girl.



lessons in divine wisdom.
August 5, 2008, 7:45 am
Filed under: Matters of the Heart. | Tags: , , , , , ,

(unknown)

I had contemplated about whether or not to even talk about this because I didn’t want to put energy into something that has already come and gone. But now that I’ve taken some time to think about it I think I should because this is what I blog for. I thought that my 30 day journey to spiritual fulfillment was over but in fact it had only prepared me for the greatest vice of all that I needed to let go because I wasn’t being honest with them or myself. Here are the lessons learned…

Sacrifice

People only take what you give them. If you choose to sacrifice what you feel is most important then you cannot be mad at them for taking you up on the offer. They don’t know what is your best or your last. I sacrificed a lot because I wanted to. Because I truly cared and I wanted to the see them grow into the person I knew they were supposed to be. I saw things about them that even they hadn’t come to realize, and I felt my purpose was to be that catalyst and help them realize the royal bloodline that was waiting for them to take over. There is nothing wrong with this, but when you allow the term sacrifice to take away from what you want and need for yourself it becomes depleting and draining. Before you know it you end up in a place that you never intended to be and the reciever never knew it was happening or had a clue. You become a weaker and more vulnerable version of your normal self. But while you’re in it, you never realize what’s happening until the end draws near and your sight begins to restore. I made a mistake and I understand exactly why I did so. In him I felt the connection that I’d needed all of my life. Something I’d starved for. When you are starving you become desperate and will do anything to nourish that need and keep it there. Being emotionally starved isn’t fun and it makes you do things you normally wouldn’t do, sacrifice things you normally wouldn’t. Use solid reasoning and practice preservation of yourself. You’ll last a lot longer and keep those around that are most important to you.

Courage

The end was a painful process. As it neared I began to notice what was happening and I finally understood the truth. When you see the truth and understand that something or someone has a hold on you it is very difficult to simply walk away in order to get YOURSELF right. I tried, but every time I did I didn’t keep the courage long enough to let go and cut the cord. I second guessed myself and didn’t have faith enough in myself to understand that I was right, and the way I felt was justified. The most high can only show you so much, but when you are blinded by emotions they’ve summoned you rarely see or accept the truth. It is only when the emotions fade and reality is restored that you understand that sacrifice does not mean sacrificing the essence of who you are. People very rarely ask you to give up your soul unless they are the devil. He was never that and I gave freely – I just needed the courage to say what I felt without being afraid of losing something in the process. No matter how hungry you are or pray for help. Just as the most high listens to your prayers, so does the most low, lol. I’ve prayed for help all of my life, it always came. It just didn’t come in the way I wanted it to and in a lot of cases was a decoy. Because of that I felt dissatisfied which caused me to desperately search for fulfillment. I just wanted to eat, be happy, be full. Honestly, the process of breaking away has been long and rough. I tried during my ‘detox’ but I just couldn’t let go of that aspect of our relationship. I tried to undo every thought and emotional thread I’d used to weave a cloak of ignorance. Ignorance in a sense that I was giving too much. Too much time, resources, myself…to my own detriment. But when you wish and hope that things will be different despite the way they are you invest to facilitate change, not accepting what is being put before you and was there all along. I’d twisted a chord between him and I so tight that cutting it would require a lot more effort and hurt than untwisting each piece one by one. I didn’t realize that it had to be all or nothing at this time. But it got to the point where I saw the truth and myself in it everyday and it made me cry…ALOT. The truth of what I felt was rejection and not being wanted or desired the way it used to be. I hid it from most because I knew I was not loving myself enough to walk away from a situation that wasn’t what I wanted. I just accepted it because I was so damn hungry and would do anything to get fed. Even if it was morsel by morsel and I was never fully satisfied. Always have the courage to speak up, you’ll be pleasantly surprised at how different things can or could have been.

Faith

I held on for so long because I had faith that things would change, that I would be the last one standing and finally receive the reward for my sacrifice and effort. That reward being love, acceptance and most importantly to be full every single day with the joy in knowing that the goodness of my heart would finally put me where I wanted. I wouldn’t starve another day in my life. But where was the faith and respect in myself? Putting your faith in anything external is dangerous and can end up in disaster. That puts pressure on people and yourself which is never fair. You have to be careful and above all keep faith in yourself enough to know that the most high speaks to you and you are worthy enough to hear. He/She tells you everything you need to be full and never hungry without relying on someone else to feed you with a slave mentality. You are worthy enough to receive everything spiritually that a religious figure can. You are no different, you just need faith enough to listen and move. Whether it’s nowhere, somewhere or somewhere else for a moment or lifetime. Just listen.

Acceptance

I was wrong on a number of levels and I knew it. My issues and lack of love for the majority of my life put me in a fantasy bubble, where I was unwilling to accept things as they were, evaluate them, determine if they were the best for me, and walk if I needed to with courage and faith. I always say that good people are not excluded from the woes of life just because they have a good heart. We are a product of our decisions, and that is why I accept responsibility for letting things go as far as I did and concealing my feelings. I accept him for who he is even though he is now gone, and I accept the fact that who he is is not right for me in that regard. I just wasn’t able to accept that he wasn’t in love with me like I wanted him to be, but he gave me everything I needed to facilitate that feeling – none of it was tangible. Acceptance applied with courage and faith gave me what I needed to understand that I was giving too much of everything when I felt there wasn’t an equal exchange. I was wrong in that sense because in reality he gave me exactly what I needed.

Sometimes we don’t always get what WE want out of a situation, but we always get what we need. He’s one of the main reasons why I started this blog, which has become one of the most fulfilling projects I’ve ever done. As a result it has created a wealth of opportunity that continues to push me along as the writer that I knew I was but never had the courage or faith enough in myself to be. For that I accept the new season and am thankful for the last and the role he’s played in my life.

Giving

We give a lot to a lot of different things each day. We give our attention and focus to what we need to but most often what we want to for pleasure or whatever it is that we FEEL we need. For me, I wasn’t giving myself the respect and love that I sought from outside sources and people. I wasn’t giving myself credit for the great woman I was and the value that I brought to myself and lives of others by just being me. Spending the majority of your life in giving mode because you feel it is better than taking is a hard habit to change. I didn’t have a balance of the two. My independence and pride kept me foolish in a sense that I didn’t teach myself how to ask or speak up. I just gave hoping that they would follow the lead. It is a dangerous habit and we all must set limits in order to reserve energy and time for ourselves. This situation taught me an important lesson in the art of giving and how it should be applied to our everyday lives. It is ok, but never at your own expense. Its not fair to you nor them when you are not honest in terms of what and how much you can give. People accept what you give but you have to set the limits, not them.

Forgiveness

I hope he understands that I’m not mad at him despite my blast of frustration and anger because the reality he was trying to show me was one I couldn’t accept and in turn burst my bubble. In this case it was only after it was too late. People only do what you allow them to and at the time I felt like he was all I had so…I let him do and control the situation just to keep what I thought was right for me. I wasn’t doing things on my terms. I was too weak to be assertive so I just accepted what was being given. I did what I thought was right and tried to put that part of us aside because the friendship meant so much more. For that I am sorry and I never meant to lie, but it was only to hide a truth that I knew he didn’t want and that I prayed each night would go away. I didn’t want to think of him as the lover I’d spend the rest of my life with anymore, I just wanted to be his friend and move on in my quest for love. Thoughts become things right? Didn’t work this time lol.

I was so angry at myself for not accepting a truth he painfully reminded me of whenever I tried to discuss my feelings. The history of anger is long. I was angry at the person that I felt abandoned me at the most impressionable years of my life that in turn created the life I live today. I was angry because I felt disadvantaged and left to learn love essentials by trial and error. I never had an example, I never knew what was right and what was wrong. I just had to figure that shit out, eat or get eaten. The bite marks are big. And on top of that I didn’t feel good about myself because if I were so good he wouldn’t have left along with the others. I was pissed for putting myself in compromising situations just to figure it all out. That was all I wanted to do. Figure it out so I could teach my seed and give them 10 up on the game which would be 10 more than what I ever had. I was thinking about how this anger affected me and how it showed its ugly face to the source of the moment. Everything I said was how I felt right or wrong, but the great blow up lacked grace and ownership. Honestly I wanted to make things bad enough so they couldn’t be undone and I could go on knowing that I’d never be able to go back to it again. I wanted the bridge to burn in an inferno of harsh words and resentment because of how I felt. I went back and explained myself calmly because that’s just me. I never like to leave someone I cared about on a bad note. Even though the bridge cannot be crossed ever again, I know that I could see them on the other side and wave ‘hey’ instead of flicking a hearty ‘fuck you’. I just wanted to take accountability for the mistakes I’d made as well as offer a sound piece of advice and explanation to someone I knew deserved and had the capability of being better. I wish people in my past would have told me why. Maybe I wouldn’t have felt the way I did. Maybe I wouldn’t have done the things I’d done repeatedly. But if it were meant to be a different way it would have been. So out of all of this I’ve learned to forgive myself for the mistakes I’ve made and the events that transpired because of them. With that I am ok.

Pushing Forward

It’s hard to continue with business as usual when you feel like someone you were divinely connected to is suddenly a distant memory. When they were the person you talked to and exchanged the inner most parts of yourself with every single day. When you are in the moment you think they will be there forever. But the only thing that’s forever is the soul that dwells within you. Any external factor is there to strengthen the soul in order to carry out your duties as an angel here on earth. Even though I felt like I had gambled my last dollar and lost, I’d gained my courage and faith in order to push forward with forgiveness and hope. Hope…something I will have to work at restoring because all I’ve gotten and seen from the men in my life was wrong. Partly because I made the wrong choices. But I know that my strength is great and I can’t deter from the path I was put on to accomplish what I came here to accomplish. With every day I take another step forward regardless of how painful, and with faith in myself that I can make the right decisions for myself and my family. Although it took longer than expected, my detox is finally complete and I move on in love, not hate.

…I aint mad atcha and even if we never see each other again, the lighthouse is never too far away.

-black girl.



love me or hate me.
July 30, 2008, 10:01 pm
Filed under: Public Opinion | Tags: ,

Ali Madigan (Paris) – I’m gonna talk more about her soon…

I’m getting kinda popular! The other evening Sasha stopped by my house to hang out for a few. I welcomed her company because I’m usually so busy I don’t do too much entertaining. It was a little uncomfortable to change up my habit on that particular day but I did it anyway. We sat at the pool and chit chatted for a while. She’d stopped to browse a store before she got there and mentioned that some guy she barely knew saw her myspace page where she had a link to my blog. He asked her about the blog and said, “you’re a good writer.”I don’t think she even knew his name. That made my day!

On the flip side, yesterday I sent someone a friend’s request on myspace. I actually sent it because I know them and have spoken to them personally before. They just didn’t know it. I read between the lines to catch undertones which I think is why I took it the way I did, as somewhat insulting. Any way the message speaks for itself….

——

—————– Original Message —————–
From: Black Girl In The City™
Date: Jul 30, 2008

LOL You’re funny. So…because I choose to run my blog the way I want to you and however I want to and I won’t disclose what you want, that’s wack. Because I won’t give (name) what he wants that’s wack. Your opinion doesn’t matter to me, I’m doing what I do exactly how I want to do it over here! Take a look at the work instead of worrying about the person. Your nickname is Mr. Rude. But I am not paying that any attention so…

I’m doing well. Just doing my thing and staying busy. How are you today?

1. I won’t address
2. I’m a little bit of both. I work AND I play. I don’t have a desktop.
3. Don’t think too deep into it. I’m black and I live in the city lol. If you took the time to read my page you would know what its about.
4. You’re taking myspace too seriously. And I don’t think I want you as a “friend” lol
5. I do what I want. That’s the beauty of creativity! Your opinion doesn’t matter over here.
5. Doing great…Forever beautiful and always living well!

6. Bonus: This is not a Q&A so stop with all the questions and
talk to me about something of substance if you dare.

thanks.

—————– Original Message —————–
From: (them)
Date: Jul 29, 2008

Are you out and about, or underneath your desktop computer.

What makes you a black girl in the city?

How do you choose me as a friend?

Don’t be all mysterious… that can be wack real quick.

How are you?

—————– Original Message —————–
From: Black Girl In The City™
Date: Jul 30, 2008 12:07 AM

How are you would be a better intro!

I choose to stay anonymous for professional reasons. Who wants to know and why?
—————– Original Message —————–
From: (them)
Date: Jul 29, 2008

Who are you?

—-

Everything attracts a ying and a yang. I love them both! It lets me know I’m doing something right.

This song’s for you Mr. Yang!

-black girl.



remember to live well.
April 30, 2008, 3:03 pm
Filed under: Matters of the Heart., Reflections of a Black Girl | Tags: , ,

 ‘dreams’ by archan nair

 

Another important lesson to never take anything or anyone around you for granted because you never know when it’s their, or even your time.  Always try to remember the big picture and understand why the most high put the people in your life around you, and you in theirs.  I recently told a friend that I loved him and regretted it after because I felt vulnerable admitting to someone for the first time in my life that I’d be there regardless to listen and care, encourage and inspire.  I hated it because it was uncomfortable, outside of my comfort zone and I didn’t want to make the friendship seem awkward.  All selfish reasons and now I realize that everything that happens does so right on time and in perfect order.  Whether we accept it or not.  For all I know he needed to hear those words that day to encourage him to continue being the person he is working to become and to continue to live well. From now on I’m vowing to love the people around me more often and more importantly let them know because ‘we’ never know when it’s our time…

 

My momz just called me and told me that a childhood friend died.  I’m working away, sipping my quad grade caramel machiatto and grouching through emails from clients that need everything now if not yesterday. I have caller ID on my office phone so I knew it was her.

 

“This me,” I picked up.

 

“Hey,” she said.  I could tell her spirits were kinda low by the sound of her voice.

 

“Hey.”

 

“I have bad news.”  My mom knows I hate bad news, so she got to the point without beating bushes.

 

“Max died a couple of days ago.” 

 

I thought I’d heard her wrong and gulped, “What!!?”

 

“Yea,” she dragged. 

 

“He collapsed playing basketball and never woke up.  Never been diagnosed with a disease and in perfect health.  I can’t believe this.”  Her voice in shock mode as well.  She continued, “They are bringing the body back to Atlanta today.”

 

My mouth dropped and my heart sunk. Suddenly my mind pictured his shell lying in still state thinking; I bet he never expected he would die that day.  I have a very sensitive soul and can feel things that a lot of people often can’t.  Sometimes I can’t explain it myself, but the truth always comes to light eventually and my “Aha!” moment is there.  Although I keep a game face I’ll admit that for the past two days I’ve been depressed and crying, not knowing why, tired and cranky…I just didn’t feel right.  Having experienced these types of things in the past I knew something was wrong and dreaded the manifestation of that “Why.”

 

He was like a member of the family; always there for the holidays and special occasions.  He was only thirty two years old.  Law school graduate, with the biggest green eyes you’ve ever seen!  Texts from folks in the family telling me it’s urgent to call started poppin up in my phone.  And now that I know why, I’ll stall for now because I can’t hear those words again just yet.  He was engaged to a beautiful young woman, set to be married this summer.  I am still in shock and really don’t know what to say, and can only imagine how his fiancé feels.  Although I know he’s crossed over to a better place it still hurts to lose someone you’ve known since you were 14 and like family.  Max, if you’re tuning in know that although we didn’t talk too often my memories of you won’t fade.  Your fiancé and family will be okay, and I know you’ll send them peace and comfort from your new place.  Oh, and say hi to Nita (my aunt) and Jennifer (my baby sister) for me if they’re not already listening.  Hopefully you guys will stop by to visit me soon.  Love you both. XOXO

 

My pity party is officially over.

 

-black girl.