Black Girl In The City.

– Mos Def | Miss Fat Booty

Ladies and gentleman, I am officially the parent of a 9th grade girl. Can we all say WTF? I’m still trippin because it seems like yesterday that I was walking her to her first day of pre-k and now…well let’s just say that all of my friends have warned me about the backfire of beauty that could make my life a living hell lol. Hungry, horny boys and malicious mean girls have been predicted to be on my ‘Headache’ and ‘Mofo you better back up before I shiest you’ lists. It’s highschool so I expect it and just try to make sure our relationship is mad cool so I can be an asset (no pun) by giving her 1 up on her crew. A group of giggly teenage girls that consider me to be the cool mom that listens to lil wayne and loves dope sneakers. I told her, “You better thank your lucky stars that I’m a young mom and still hip to this here game.” So long as she doesn’t have any babies and can make it through the first week without getting into fights or rioting brawls then I guess I won’t have to come up there and show my a$$. (Yes I have been known to do that.)

She didn’t wanna go in on the first day alone so I parked, walked her in. The stroll was kinda long because we had to walk all the way around the building to get to the right entrance. Between the trip and back I think I got about 20 mins. of good cardio in. Her outfit was dope. Took her to H&M over the weekend and hooked it up. Last night we spent a couple of hours getting the dress game right so she was super cute today. How she managed to get her hair into some kinda mowhakish looking thing is beyond me but I suppose she was listening when I said, “You gotta be on point with your swag J., this is highschool and you wanna make your stay as easy as possible. Swagg is everything.” She just nodded yes and flashed a funny smile and gave me a big hug, kiss and thank you. I like these times and am glad I can relate to her.

We get into the gym and stand in line to grab her schedule. The place is filled with loud, obnoxious teens that were obviously excited about the first day…seeing old friends they missed during the summer and all of that stuff. When it was our turn the lady, whom was hella distracted by this adorable senior, looked up at me and said, “What’s your last name? Do you know your homeroom teacher?” I laughed and replied, “Um I’m not the student but…” She laughed and apologized, “You look like one of the new kids!” Gee thanks lol. As she was flipping through the papers with a purple highlighter I glanced up to see the same young man hovering behind her back looking at me like he wanted to get it. Ugh!? He looked at my daughter and then he looked back at me again with a half cracked smile. Double ugh?! Guess he could detect the sticky ikiness I felt all over because he ran around to the other side and introduced himself to my daughter and I. Licking his slobbery azz LL Cool J looking lips. Triple ugh!??!

Once he walked away I leaned into my girl…

“Stay away from him he’s perverted.” My eyes were serious.

“Man I was afraid of this mom!” she laughed.

“Afraid of what?” I handed her the white piece of paper and gave her a hug.

“That you would be a MILF.”

Before I could even respond a potty-mouthed girl walked passed me and yelled, “What the FUCK!” We both cracked up but little did lil J. know, the potty girl snatched those words right out of my brain with the MILF comment. I don’t know which is worse, my boy S. calmly explaining to her that he would shoot the tip off of any man part that came within 50 feet of the tips of her sneakers or me being a mom that the school aged boys would like to…

The only thing I know is that I don’t do guns, jail, LL Cool J lips that require a bib to maintain and certainly not teenage boys! Guess I’ll have to sport old sweatpants, smelly sneakers and a t-shirt with a wet spot on the collar so I don’t steal her shine…especially since my high school days are long over. I’m excited about her new beginnings but…

Lord help me.

-black girl.