Black Girl In The City.

ask black girl .03: find your anthem
August 30, 2008, 6:43 am
Filed under: ASK BLACK GIRL | Tags: , , , ,

Christina Myers

Hello Black Girl,

I’m a big fan and I’ am a 19year old very mature black girl who was in a relationship with a 22-year-old man boy. I’m having a very hard time in my life right now. When I first met him I’d just turned 18 and I didn’t want a relationship. He made it clear how he wanted me to himself only and he treated me so good. He would give me money every time he’d see me. He used to always say “I just want to make u happy” and if I was mad he always made me feel better. He was everything I wanted.

I broke up with him 3 times to figure out what I wanted but he always came back to me with no problems. This time he broke up with me in a text message. He wants to be friends but we can’t be friends. We didn’t start off as friends so we can’t end that way. I made it clear how much I loved him and if I can’t have him as my boyfriend I don’t want anything to do with him.

I have become very depressed from this. One minute I am laughing about the good times and then I cry then I go a whole day without eating. I don’t have much support around me and he was my main support system he supported me in everything. I’m even more sad because I have found out he has a new girlfriend. I have very low self-esteem. I try to keep it rolled up so no one knows. Many of my friends say I’m so pretty but I don’t see it all the time. The new girlfriend is beautiful (it hurts me to say it, but she is). And I keep thinking this girl must be better then me for him to leave me for her. He moved on to soon for it not to be the case. I’m even more upset with myself because I know if he tries to get back in my life I would allow him. This whole break up has f**** me up real bad in the inside. I’m just asking if u can give me some advice, I’ll take anything u can offer me. Thanks – Ashley, Los Angeles, Ca.

Baby girl you have so many different layers going on here I’m not sure where to start. I so don’t wanna sound like a hag when I tell you this but really…you are too young to be so emotionally intertwined with someone. I’m only saying it because I’ve been where you are. Girls like us are the ones that seem wiser and more mature than our counterparts, and sometimes people don’t get that we think far beyond our years which is why we tend to want to lead adult-like lives. Or maybe they just call that being fast as hell…

I’ve also been right where you’ve been and right where you are. My home girl and I where just talking this morning about how things become when the ‘honeymoon’ is over – and how you gotta be prepared to bounce our work backwards to try and build because nobody wants to build during the honeymoon. Ask yourself: What foundation did you build your love for him on? When the honeymoon is over, what will survive between the two of you?

Humans by nature are drawn and magically attracted to anything new. Sometimes it doesn’t matter what it is or what it looks like, only that it’s new. When we’re excited about the new we get the positive feelings that come along with it. I call it the ‘up and up’ phase. When you’re on the up and up you’re not worried about the foundation you’re building in the process. But when it falls back to reality what will you land on? Did you spend lots of time building a foundation or did you spend time partaking in the pleasures that took you higher? I think you answered the question yourself when you said, “ He wants to be friends but we can’t be friends. We didn’t start off as friends so we can’t end that way.”

What you think is love is not. Love is not indecisive and it doesn’t waver back and forth as emotions do, thus my theory that it should never be founded upon or categorized as an emotion. My personal definition is that Love is solid and grounded in a conscious choice to remain committed to the cause of two or more. At the end, love stands and can remain standing despite how things may seem. It always prevails when allowed. In the relationships arena I would say it takes time to build anything strong, and it takes two adults that have seen and experienced enough to know what they want and expect. And even then shyt gets crazy!
Here are some of the things I did and came to realize during my time…

Get this book:

Mental Resilience: The Power of Clarity by Kamal Sarma. It focuses on finding emotional tranquility, developing insight, cultivating wisdom and bringing them all together. It also teaches the basic techniques for meditation, something I highly recommend for you. It comes with a meditation CD and can be found at most public libraries if you don’t want to buy.

Forget Myspace!

Myspace can be cool but it can also be the devil. It tempts you to go digging where you were never meant to dig in the first place. You found out he had a girlfriend that way because you allowed yourself to be open to that.

Forget Her!

I’ve suffered from self-esteem issues all of my life, but when I thought about it and really got my self together I understood that sometimes it really isn’t about you. Self-esteem issues often derive from things that people have done or said to us. The sooner you understand that people are crazy as hell and have their own issues, the sooner you’ll be able to understand that it’s not about you even if its directed or done to you.

Going back to the new new principle, many men are particularly cruel violators of this practice. You can be the most beautiful, most intelligent dream girl of a woman and at the end of the day you still aren’t better than the new new. Fresh prey is always better then the prey one is already nibbling on no matter how juicy it is . See what I’m saying? It’s not about you, it’s not even about her per say, the main reason is that she is something new and juicy to bite into.

Stop Being Public Enemy # 1

Negative thoughts are poison. They can literally destroy your life from the inside out. The mood swings…been there. Not eating…been there. Crying and wondering what she has that I don’t…been there too. The culprit in all of the above is negative thinking. That is what’s causing you to feel bad about yourself. Who would want to deal with a psycho girl that cries and doesn’t eat? I wouldn’t feel good if I told myself I was that person every day either. When you catch yourself stop it. Period. You’re going to have to gain control over your thought process if you want to control your life. The hardest thing on earth is to become the manager and boss of your own consciousness because once you become aware of how you think you realize how incredibly messed up things are, lol. But that’s a part of the process. Work through those things so you can control them and how you feel about you on the inside. Investing in yourself can have great return when you learn how to control your mental portfolio by keeping tabs on what’s coming in and going out.

Re-Focus your Attention & Stick to Your Guns

Bottom line, he wants to ‘still be friends’ because he wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants to keep access to your life while he does what he wants knowing that you are still emotionally tied to him… willing to give him the same benefits you gave him while the two of you were in a relationship. He doesn’t deserve you because if he did you would be with him so get it out of your mind that he may come back or want to make amends. If he does it won’t be for what you think and you’ll end up worse. You were right. You didn’t start as friends so you can’t be friends unless you choose to open the door. Try to avoid anything that reminds you of him and or would allow him access to contact you until you are ready and if that day ever comes. Anyone that does what he did hasn’t grown enough to understand the value in people and especially women. Keep your word and keep him away.

Pay Attention to what matters

…..and he doesn’t! You do. Your friends do. Your future matters, and so does your physical health. Who you are as a person matters and everything around us is a reflection of who we are. The way he treated you is not who you are and the way this situation is making you feel is not who you are either. Make a list of everything that matters to you and try only to invest your time and energy in those things in a given day. That’s when all of the garbage that’s not supposed to be in your life is visible and can be carted away. But you’re the only person that can do that.

Step Your Game Up & {Find Your Anthem}

Find a song, or two or three…I don’t care how many but find the track that pushes you on when you want to go back or give up. The one you’re listening to now was mine. Still is! Also recognize. Pay attention to your surroundings and learn more about how things tick versus what they do. Ole boy was giving you money as part of his plan to snag you and keep you. To heighten those good feelings as much as possible so you wouldn’t forget about the sweet ‘up and up’. For some reason a man only has to do something a few times for us to beleive that it will be there and always avaialbe. Consistnecy is key. If he’s not doing it consistently, chances are that what he’s doing has a motif behind it…most often times the motif is control.

Try to learn as much as you can in order to know and apply. The best skills are developed with experience so be prepared to fall in and out of love perhaps a few more times before you fully understand what it is and all that comes with it. Relax…time is on your side. This guy is not worth your time or energy.

Good luck,
-black girl.

Jeezy & Nas politic but is the ATL depressed?

The Obama bug has struck again.

Sheesh, I can’t keep up. I think everyone in the ‘A’ is on the same release calendar because the new mainstream joints are rolling out quick like. I’m digging this one. I’m kinda laughin at the ‘Black as my n*** BU’ comment though LOL! If you live here you know exactly what I’m talking about. The Recession is coming September 2, 2008.

*My President is Black*

But is Atlanta a little stressed out and lost? Guess it’s going around but aside from that I like these from Jeezy & Zoe…



-black girl.

rainy days, kindred souls & the crazy writer.

It’s raining like cats and dogs. I’m already on my second cup of coffee and knocking out the mile high list of things to do that never seems to shrink to barely nothing. Quite the contrary it’s always something! Then that list becomes a separate list so I can keep up with the first list and the two others that I had to make in order to categorize everything for all of my lists! LOL I promise this is how my mind thinks on most days and its nerve racking. One of the reasons why I avoid keeping a regular schedule outside of meetings or time out because I don’t want to get robotic and bored. But I need something.

107.9 played Beyonce’s new ‘test’ single if that’s what you wanna call it. Not feeling it. It sounds like a repeat of Ring the Alarm. I sent G. a text “I really think Keri can give Beyonce a run for her money if she stay’s consistent and not ‘too urban”. He agreed but the word that stuck out from my very own comment was consistency. I always have great ideas because I’m a thinker but I think if I were more consistent in my day to day work I could step up my game even higher. Really day-to-day life if you want the whole truth. There’s so much power in consistency and repetition when applied properly and I’m sure I could get a lot done a lot faster with that in mind. I get distracted and interrupted by people, phone calls, visits and sometimes just my wondering pondering mind which means I am just as guilty for distracting my own dag-on self. ‘I need this and I need it yesterday’ emails…what else? Just getting to the nitty gritty and blocking things out is something I have a hard time doing because I want to be so efficient – when in reality I’m just spinning wheels with very little tread. Sometimes multi-tasking isn’t the best route. Which is better: Doing a bunch of things good or doing one or two things exceptionally great? It’s obvious I need to pick, choose and deliver.

I spoke to T. yesterday. He’s another one of my people’s in NY that I talk to on the regular…a mentor of sorts. I love T. because his brain is huge and he has a wealth of knowledge and proven success in his field. When I started my company a year and half ago, he was one of the people that I latched on to for help. I honor and respect friends like these because they are the one’s that push you to be better and want more. Sometimes we get tired of challenging our selves and need that extra accountability. T. goes on to give me the rundown on D and Malinda’s wedding, which I was sour I’d gotten the dates wrong because I thought it was the 28th and not the 23rd (damn lists!). Time really flies because it seems like yesterday they were dating but it was evident from what I did see that the two were kindred souls. It makes me smile because Malinda found something she never thought she’d have again and that always gives the sisters hope. Jersey was where they wedded and you can head over to Essence and read more about it.

So T. and I’s conversation moves on to the biggest and most annoying thorn in my side ever! The dreaded book synopsis! I am currently on my third revision based on the feedback I got from a publisher and some other friends. Synopsis’ and summaries are things I have problems with. I just wanna tell the story, not summarize 130 pages of shyt I poured from my brain in three paragraphs or less. How can you paint the complex without making it too lengthy? It’s possible but ugh.

I love running my projects by people I know and respect because they challenge me and ask questions. They’re not afraid to say, “You’ve got too much going on. You’re losing me!” T was so exhausted from the wedding and festivities that he hadn’t had the opportunity to look it over but we did talk about character development. I’m sure a lot of writers understand me when I say that this critical element is similar to getting to know everything and anything about someone that never existed. I avoid it at times because I feel crazy talking about a person that came out of my head! “But you are crazy. That’s why you’re a good writer,” Elaina told me once. I can accept that (I guess) and am willing to fully commit myself to this without fear. Believe it or not, that’s been the one thing holding me back for all of this time when it concerns my writing projects (and probably a few other things), which is why I try hard to stay consistent with this like I’ve been for the past 5 months or so. Fear of commitment resulting in a lack of consistency leads to a sense of not feeling as though things are getting done as they should. Time for the good ole switcharoo again.

I really hope its not raining like this for my lunch date with Kimora and Nik tomorrow…for sugar melts in the rain.

-black girl.

Atlanta Never Sleeps!
August 26, 2008, 4:47 am
Filed under: ATL'S FINEST!, Music is My Life | Tags: , ,

“I want to be a reason, not a result.” – Keri Hilson

I know I know I know! Lots of music posts but this is ‘new new’ season and of course (as I’ve already said) its all about Atlanta. This latest is from Keri Hilson and all I have to say is finally finally finally home girl! I wrote an article on her earlier this year marking her as one to watch. Up until recently Keri spent the majority of her career behind the scenes as a writer. She’s not just written songs, she’s written HITS. I appreciate her personally because of her warm spirit and sincerity when it comes to doing what she loves. Her craftsmanship and creativity as a writer is evident in everything she’s touched. Check her discography and you’ll see what I’m talking about.

It’s very difficult for anyone, let alone women, to survive in the music & entertainment industry ESPECIALLY when it comes to writing and producing. These are often the most difficult areas to break into because there is so much power in publishing. You can perform, hop-scotch, promote, and push a song or project all day…but the real money is in rights and ownership. The fact that Keri owned her position and killed it all while protecting her image and reputation deserves big ups and much respect. Be forewarned…Keri’s worth ethic is stellar as well so I know she’s going hard with this. Definitely a BGITC groomed and ready to take the number one spot. Move over…(you know who).

You can go here to watch her video because you tube does no justice!

Find out what Keri’s all about.

*ps – some of you have emailed me about the lead guy in the video lolol. His name is Christian Keyes, as for what he does – Christian does a little bit of everything (music, acting, business, modeling) and last time I checked he was taken, but that was a long time ago so I’m not sure.  You guys are funny! (he IS a looker doe)

life is short. have an affair?
August 26, 2008, 12:52 am
Filed under: WTF? | Tags:

WTF? I don’t even know what to say about this

To each his own I suppose.

-black girl.

New music // T.I., Kanye, Jay-Z, Weezy
August 25, 2008, 11:08 pm
Filed under: Music is My Life | Tags: , , , , ,


*Swagger Like Us*

*Jockin’ Jay-Z*

-black girl.