Black Girl In The City.

Ellen, Hurricane Chris & Halle Berry


-black girl.

Recognize…then FIGHT.
June 5, 2009, 1:51 pm
Filed under: Chapter Next, Inspiration | Tags: , , ,

cbomRalph Vicenzi

Music: Black Star // Thieves in the Night

It’s so easy to get caught up in the day-to-day stuff in life, and I admit that there are days when I rely solely upon silent prayers to get me through in a functional manner. I don’t think anyone would argue against the fact that life is a challenge for a lot of us in one way or another, and sometimes there’s nothing left to do but ride or die. There are some cases though when this is not enough.

Some of the challenges we face are beyond our control. Others are within our control, and the most interesting of challenges are those that appear to be beyond our control when in fact we hold the key. I believe that the latter of these three challenges are a form of natural conditioning designed to teach us how to unlock and discover a dormant power that the Gods have, for whatever reason, decided you need to unleash and walk in ASAP. Those challenges are the worst because they seem to come from left field and have a greater likelihood of knocking you square on your ass. They are those gravest of circumstances where you just have to look to clouds and say, “Really? Are you serious?” It’s in those times when you think its over that you must recognize the gift that is being given to you (no matter how irrational that may seem).

Many brush these situations off as bad luck, a fact of life or an “it is what it is” type thing that will likely solve itself with time if I just sit quietly in the room. But how many times have you let that thing ride only for it to come back and rear its ugly head again and again? Welcome to the karmic lesson – and until you get that lesson by passing the test you will continue to be that one sad soul in the room always pouting about some misfortune that has happened in your life, wishing for your Captain (save a hoe). The disheartening fact is that until you get it you just won’t get it. Whatever that ‘it’ may be, you’ll never have it because you’ve not qualified yourself by recognizing this type of challenge and fighting your way through it. It’s the Golden Rule that must be followed.

In the past I have been that person. The worry wart and undue recipient of significant hardship. Although I never fully gave up in the face of adversity, I didn’t fight hard either – mainly because I abhorred conflict of any kind. It wasn’t until I became a more mature adult able to look at a significant chunk of my life in hindsight that I understood the lessons that I’d been assigned to learn in order to fulfill my life’s purpose. Let me tell you, I’ve been through some ish. I faced some really tough situations and was forced to make some adult decisions at a very young age. And of all of those decisions and situations I was faced with, it was the times where I thought it was over that I shined and grew the most when all was said and done. I’m thankful that I’ve been given the gift to recognize the difference between such challenges now because instead of sinking into self pity when I just know for a fact it’s the end – I FIGHT. In doing so I began to understand that the most difficult challenges represent opportunity and evidence that there is someone on the other side that cares enough to condition you to greatness. Your own personal ‘keeper’ per say.

That said, when things appear difficult and you think it’s the end, the black hole has no light and you might just sink into your own despair please don’t do it! Those very moments are a test of your being put in place to condition the spirit, body and mind. If you think about what separates the winners from the non-doers, you’ll notice that what most non-doers lack is vision. They can’t see far enough beyond their own circumstance to know that something incredible lies on the other side of whatever harsh reality that has set up camp in the present.

So what makes a winner and more importantly, which one are you?

-black girl.

there go those damn STANDARDS again…
June 3, 2009, 11:01 am
Filed under: Chapter Next, Dating N Stuff | Tags: , ,
Music: Mims // Move (If You Wanna)

I’m convinced I’m single for a reason, and one of my fears is growing to be a stubborn old hag for holding on to what some men interpret as ‘rules’. Here’s a snippet from a convo with someone today. I’d like both the male AND female point of view on this because I’m convinced that the less I talk the more guys stick around, but when I say what I feel is the honest truth the conversation is deaded without notice. My personal relationship with him really isn’t one…we met at a party a few months ago and have remained in touch over phone and email. I don’t have issues with this guy, in fact I like him. Especially his intellectual capacity and appreciation for music. We like a lot of the same things, are in tune to a lot of the same things – but his approach has not been that of someone interested in taking things farther than friendship, at least not in my opinion, so why roll out the red carpet? FYI, I know it seems like I’m coming at him left field, but this was already on my mind based on an email chat we had the night before. I asked him for his mailing address so that I could mail him a CD of new tracks I’d found. He asked me why I had to mail and I explained that it seemed like that’s what I’d have to do since we could never seem to catch up. (again, I’m cool with that!) He commented that I was never available, and I commented that maybe if we could find time before 11pm to chill then I may be a bit more accessible.   Sorry to say but I slept on it, and this is what we chatted about today…

HIM: you sleeping wit me 2nite?

ME: lol – Now why would I do that when you’re not even given up no D?

HIM: Didn’t know it mattered….

ME: It does. If we aint fukin then I don’t know what to tell you LOL!!!!!!!

HIM: Oh well thought u might wanna get rubbed on.

ME: Seriously though, I love to get rubbed on – all of that but i haven’t spent enough personal time with you to know whether or not I’d be cool with you even rubbing on me! Lol I feel like we’re skipping steps. Phone chats to sleep overs. Sure if that’s what you’re looking for…thats just not what I’m looking for.

U’d be cool, this I know, I don’t follow steps I do what I want…no rules here, just standards.

Well I never mentioned rules, but while we are on the standards part.

HIM: What are u looking for?

my Standards say that I prefer to get to know someone on neutral ground first [name’s] crib is not neutral. What I’m looking for is someone that I can feel comfortable being around, a homie first.

I don’t follow guidelines tho, its always up to you…

ME: Ok well – whenever we are able to link up we can talk about it.

HIM: A homie is just that a homie – I find that most women can’t handle that.

ME: Most women that are digging you can’t handle that. I’m not certain that two individuals that have a mutual attraction for each other can just be friends but for me, that’s an important starting point.

True maybe its just because they usually do, if u’r different that’s cool but I like to end up where I start. So I’m fine with homies but that’s it.

ME: ha – and that’s the whole premise. Friendships last so much longer and to me are much more honest than quickly woven relationships no matter how deep they become. I have a few male friends and I know more about them than their own lover(s) do lol – That’s the kind of partner I’d like to have one day. Someone’s who’s my true friend. So…
If you wanna stay my friend forever cool – but that means I can’t spend the night until I’m comfortable taking you out of the “hmmm I kinda like this dude” category.

Understandable, you call the shots.

ME: …although I look forward to the day where I don’t have to call the shots – at least all of the time!

U wanna make guidelines and then say u don’t call shots lol…..go figure

no – I said I look forward to the day where I don’t have to!
But as a single woman on my own I have to have standards to go by
otherwise I’d be run through and run down hella quick you know?
(pause) guess not lol

Nah I don’t. No problems over here tho……..u go girl : )

ME: whatever dude.

Why I gotta be the dude now?

Your comment put you in the dude category lol – I’m kidding
its just something I say Like…yea, ok…whatever…


The impression I get is that you are already pre-occupied in the romantic area but are open to sharing your pockets of free time with someone interesting. Based on your invites I feel as though I am a last minute, last resort type thing like…I’m chillin tonight let me see what’s up with [Black Girl]. That’s not what I’m looking for which is why i haven’t come over…late at night anyway

ME: Don’t mistake it for me complaining though. It’s just an observation that I’ve picked up on from day one, but i thought telling you might help you better understand my POV in terms of the Standards we mentioned.

Nah that’s not it I think u’r real cool and def interesting but again I do what I want because I can. Women who are used to controlling men (at least initially) find me either as a turn off or an addiction. It all boils down to understanding my value as a man…a black man. U won’t find 2 many like me tho….

Hmm – so its coming out. Do you get the impression that I am used to controlling men?

Manipulative slightly…….maybe. Most women are tho…….so u’r normal

ME: No – I think you have it mistaken. Manipulative is not my style in any way.

HIM: Ok u should be ok following the lead then, I’m leading

ME: I don’t just follow any lead so manipulative or controlling doesn’t apply. You have to give me a reason to trust you enough to follow your lead. I need to trust you first. Quite the contrary, I allow people to be who they are. Especially men – and my attitude is to take it or leave it. Controlling or trying to change the fabric of someone’s character is a waste of time. So I listen, observe and based my decisions off of what I am shown.

HIM: As u shouldn’t but I’m not trying to convince u to do anything u don’t want to….just explaining my style, that all…..

ME: Gotcha – I know you’re not but you said I was manipulative in a way, sorta controlling. And I wanted to address that before we went any further because I don’t want my moves to be misinterpreted.
But you brought up a good point because Black women can be controlling, manipulative, crazy. More than 50% and I agree its a problem. But recognize quality too – don’t get them mixed up because I look forward to following a LEADER

HIM: ‘Just dialogue that’s all….

ME: word (long pause) where you go?

-black girl.

stop reinforcing the image, please.
June 2, 2009, 10:12 am
Filed under: Chapter Next, WTF? | Tags: , ,

akAnthony Kurtz

Music: Outkast // Bombs Over Baghdad

So, I was on my way into the gym this morning minding my own peaceful business. Parked in my usual spot, got out to grab my duffle from the back. Had to pause when I heard the most ear searing noise that most have come to dread: A Black Woman’s Wrath. This chick was arguing and damn near shadow boxing about a block away on the opposite side of an otherwise quiet street. Low and behold the source of the profane language, threatening screams and outrageous banter was made known to all that would hear, listen and take note. Someone had really pissed her off.

If EXTRA had a face it would look exactly like her because she was overly crazy with it. Like, you know how someone is just yelling about nothing and all you can do is moan, “Shut the $#@*(% Up,” over and over to yourself? Her monologue was something serious and she wanted the entire world to hear how sorry the father of her son was. She pointed to the air talking about how money was the burden and he needed to pay the mortgage like he said he would. I’m surprised she didn’t call him by first and last name while she was busy putting the word out on the street. Not only that, she was cutting him down to the ground with her mouth – words so sharp they could kill. How could any man’s ego withstand that battle?

I’m not doubting the other person’s actions to be true, and I’m pretty sure her anger was justified. But my issue is with how she handled the situation. It wasn’t but a week ago that I was damn near attacked for $1 flip flops by a Black woman. What is it inside that keeps us on edge, ready to fight and win? As I tuned away from the woman’s conversation and toward my morning burn out I found myself a little irritated, and to an extent embarrassed as an immediate thought came to mind:

“Black women are collectively stereotyped as sex driven bitches. We’re pigeon holed as loud, overly dramatic egotistical drama creators that can’t keep our mouths shut long enough to hear the other person speak.”

If I had a penny for every man that would agree to this phrase being an accurate assumption I’d be an extremely wealthy woman. I listen to my male friends and what they say about the things Black women do. I always defend, explaining that we are not the same and insisting that all women of color should be given the benefit of the doubt in the beginning. But how can I request a pardon when a large majority of us are turning my professed truths into lies? How can I argue that all Black women aren’t combative and rude when provoked when in fact so many of us are?

She’s too aggressive. She uses our child to extort what she wants from me. She bleached all of my clothes. She’s always got something to say about something, like…shhh! STFUP!

All comments guys have shared when recounting some of their own dating experiences with the Sisters. At first I blamed it on their choice in women until I started to see the point of view for myself. The more I listened to their stories the more I began to pay attention to my behavior and others, and honestly I can see where the finger snapping, ghetto Bonquisha persona came from. I can also see who’s reinforcing it, making the image of the aggressive natured Black women an automatic expectation upon introduction’s first ‘hello’. I am not sure what can be done to discredit the overshadowing of something so negative, especially after seeing what I saw this morning.

-black girl.