Black Girl In The City.


there go those damn STANDARDS again…
June 3, 2009, 11:01 am
Filed under: Chapter Next, Dating N Stuff | Tags: , ,
mdern
CW Jacobs
Music: Mims // Move (If You Wanna)

I’m convinced I’m single for a reason, and one of my fears is growing to be a stubborn old hag for holding on to what some men interpret as ‘rules’. Here’s a snippet from a convo with someone today. I’d like both the male AND female point of view on this because I’m convinced that the less I talk the more guys stick around, but when I say what I feel is the honest truth the conversation is deaded without notice. My personal relationship with him really isn’t one…we met at a party a few months ago and have remained in touch over phone and email. I don’t have issues with this guy, in fact I like him. Especially his intellectual capacity and appreciation for music. We like a lot of the same things, are in tune to a lot of the same things – but his approach has not been that of someone interested in taking things farther than friendship, at least not in my opinion, so why roll out the red carpet? FYI, I know it seems like I’m coming at him left field, but this was already on my mind based on an email chat we had the night before. I asked him for his mailing address so that I could mail him a CD of new tracks I’d found. He asked me why I had to mail and I explained that it seemed like that’s what I’d have to do since we could never seem to catch up. (again, I’m cool with that!) He commented that I was never available, and I commented that maybe if we could find time before 11pm to chill then I may be a bit more accessible.   Sorry to say but I slept on it, and this is what we chatted about today…
—

HIM: you sleeping wit me 2nite?

ME: lol – Now why would I do that when you’re not even given up no D?

HIM: Didn’t know it mattered….

ME: It does. If we aint fukin then I don’t know what to tell you LOL!!!!!!!

HIM: Oh well thought u might wanna get rubbed on.

ME: Seriously though, I love to get rubbed on – all of that but i haven’t spent enough personal time with you to know whether or not I’d be cool with you even rubbing on me! Lol I feel like we’re skipping steps. Phone chats to sleep overs. Sure if that’s what you’re looking for…thats just not what I’m looking for.

HIM: U’d be cool, this I know, I don’t follow steps I do what I want…no rules here, just standards.

ME: Well I never mentioned rules, but while we are on the standards part.

HIM: What are u looking for?

ME: my Standards say that I prefer to get to know someone on neutral ground first [name’s] crib is not neutral. What I’m looking for is someone that I can feel comfortable being around, a homie first.

HIM: I don’t follow guidelines tho, its always up to you…

ME: Ok well – whenever we are able to link up we can talk about it.

HIM: A homie is just that a homie – I find that most women can’t handle that.

ME: Most women that are digging you can’t handle that. I’m not certain that two individuals that have a mutual attraction for each other can just be friends but for me, that’s an important starting point.


HIM: True maybe its just because they usually do, if u’r different that’s cool but I like to end up where I start. So I’m fine with homies but that’s it.

ME: ha – and that’s the whole premise. Friendships last so much longer and to me are much more honest than quickly woven relationships no matter how deep they become. I have a few male friends and I know more about them than their own lover(s) do lol – That’s the kind of partner I’d like to have one day. Someone’s who’s my true friend. So…
If you wanna stay my friend forever cool – but that means I can’t spend the night until I’m comfortable taking you out of the “hmmm I kinda like this dude” category.

HIM: Understandable, you call the shots.

ME: …although I look forward to the day where I don’t have to call the shots – at least all of the time!

HIM: U wanna make guidelines and then say u don’t call shots lol…..go figure

ME: no – I said I look forward to the day where I don’t have to!
But as a single woman on my own I have to have standards to go by
otherwise I’d be run through and run down hella quick you know?
(pause) guess not lol

HIM: Nah I don’t. No problems over here tho……..u go girl : )

ME: whatever dude.

HIM: Why I gotta be the dude now?

ME: Your comment put you in the dude category lol – I’m kidding
its just something I say Like…yea, ok…whatever…

(pause)

The impression I get is that you are already pre-occupied in the romantic area but are open to sharing your pockets of free time with someone interesting. Based on your invites I feel as though I am a last minute, last resort type thing like…I’m chillin tonight let me see what’s up with [Black Girl]. That’s not what I’m looking for which is why i haven’t come over…late at night anyway

ME: Don’t mistake it for me complaining though. It’s just an observation that I’ve picked up on from day one, but i thought telling you might help you better understand my POV in terms of the Standards we mentioned.

HIM: Nah that’s not it I think u’r real cool and def interesting but again I do what I want because I can. Women who are used to controlling men (at least initially) find me either as a turn off or an addiction. It all boils down to understanding my value as a man…a black man. U won’t find 2 many like me tho….

ME: Hmm – so its coming out. Do you get the impression that I am used to controlling men?

HIM: Manipulative slightly…….maybe. Most women are tho…….so u’r normal

ME: No – I think you have it mistaken. Manipulative is not my style in any way.

HIM: Ok u should be ok following the lead then, I’m leading

ME: I don’t just follow any lead so manipulative or controlling doesn’t apply. You have to give me a reason to trust you enough to follow your lead. I need to trust you first. Quite the contrary, I allow people to be who they are. Especially men – and my attitude is to take it or leave it. Controlling or trying to change the fabric of someone’s character is a waste of time. So I listen, observe and based my decisions off of what I am shown.

HIM: As u shouldn’t but I’m not trying to convince u to do anything u don’t want to….just explaining my style, that all…..

ME: Gotcha – I know you’re not but you said I was manipulative in a way, sorta controlling. And I wanted to address that before we went any further because I don’t want my moves to be misinterpreted.
But you brought up a good point because Black women can be controlling, manipulative, crazy. More than 50% and I agree its a problem. But recognize quality too – don’t get them mixed up because I look forward to following a LEADER
🙂

HIM: ‘Just dialogue that’s all….

ME: word (long pause) where you go?

-black girl.

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