Filed under: Matters of the Heart., Reflections of a Black Girl | Tags: life, living well, love
‘dreams’ by archan nair
Another important lesson to never take anything or anyone around you for granted because you never know when it’s their, or even your time. Always try to remember the big picture and understand why the most high put the people in your life around you, and you in theirs. I recently told a friend that I loved him and regretted it after because I felt vulnerable admitting to someone for the first time in my life that I’d be there regardless to listen and care, encourage and inspire. I hated it because it was uncomfortable, outside of my comfort zone and I didn’t want to make the friendship seem awkward. All selfish reasons and now I realize that everything that happens does so right on time and in perfect order. Whether we accept it or not. For all I know he needed to hear those words that day to encourage him to continue being the person he is working to become and to continue to live well. From now on I’m vowing to love the people around me more often and more importantly let them know because ‘we’ never know when it’s our time…
My momz just called me and told me that a childhood friend died. I’m working away, sipping my quad grade caramel machiatto and grouching through emails from clients that need everything now if not yesterday. I have caller ID on my office phone so I knew it was her.
“This me,” I picked up.
“Hey,” she said. I could tell her spirits were kinda low by the sound of her voice.
“Hey.”
“I have bad news.” My mom knows I hate bad news, so she got to the point without beating bushes.
“Max died a couple of days ago.”
I thought I’d heard her wrong and gulped, “What!!?”
“Yea,” she dragged.
“He collapsed playing basketball and never woke up. Never been diagnosed with a disease and in perfect health. I can’t believe this.” Her voice in shock mode as well. She continued, “They are bringing the body back to Atlanta today.”
My mouth dropped and my heart sunk. Suddenly my mind pictured his shell lying in still state thinking; I bet he never expected he would die that day. I have a very sensitive soul and can feel things that a lot of people often can’t. Sometimes I can’t explain it myself, but the truth always comes to light eventually and my “Aha!” moment is there. Although I keep a game face I’ll admit that for the past two days I’ve been depressed and crying, not knowing why, tired and cranky…I just didn’t feel right. Having experienced these types of things in the past I knew something was wrong and dreaded the manifestation of that “Why.”
He was like a member of the family; always there for the holidays and special occasions. He was only thirty two years old. Law school graduate, with the biggest green eyes you’ve ever seen! Texts from folks in the family telling me it’s urgent to call started poppin up in my phone. And now that I know why, I’ll stall for now because I can’t hear those words again just yet. He was engaged to a beautiful young woman, set to be married this summer. I am still in shock and really don’t know what to say, and can only imagine how his fiancé feels. Although I know he’s crossed over to a better place it still hurts to lose someone you’ve known since you were 14 and like family. Max, if you’re tuning in know that although we didn’t talk too often my memories of you won’t fade. Your fiancé and family will be okay, and I know you’ll send them peace and comfort from your new place. Oh, and say hi to Nita (my aunt) and Jennifer (my baby sister) for me if they’re not already listening. Hopefully you guys will stop by to visit me soon. Love you both. XOXO
My pity party is officially over.
-black girl.
the grind.
Photography by Nick Sushkevich
Gettin it in by any means necessary.
the question is…how bad do you want it?
Nice girls don’t get the corner office.
-black girl.
Filed under: The Fact of the Matter...
artwork by Sarah Torres
Sometimes I think I’m abnormal…until I remember that we are all a little OFF in some sort of way. Lol. It wasn’t until the past year or so that I fully embraced my weirdom and began to speak and express me vs. what others wanted to hear. This blog represents probably about 25% of the shyt I think about everyday, off the wall crazy stuff that would probably scare the shyt out of the average person. A creative being’s mind goes deep and complex. Enter at your own risk. Believe it or not my complexity often scares a lot of men away. I won’t lie, I used to dumb down just to have someone around to keep me company. Eventually I said forget it. This is silly and I gotta be myself even if that means being by myself! Thank goodness for my friends, the true one’s that I can be myself around. They know I’m a little off, but then again so are they.
I remember talking to a guy about how we all should be elevating ourselves in order to reach our full potential…blah blah. He looked at me and said, “You’re weird.” I said, “No you’re stupid. Weird is just a term that people use for something they can’t comprehend or understand. Don’t call me names because you can’t catch up.” Calling names isn’t nice, but hey he started it! Of course he poked out his lip, scurried away from our date and I never heard from him again. It wasn’t until he was walking away that I realized he had a high booty like a girl. What a freak. Ugh. There’s more to me than my B cup tits. I wish somebody would get it.
I often feel that creative expression and introspective thought communicated through various mediums to the ‘generals’ is pointless. Then I’m reminded that it’s there to share, and one of the key ways I’ve learned to connect with others and perhaps shed some light…or get some for myself.
Oh, and that tree sloth in the illustration is actually me. Chillin in the cut. Ha.
-black girl.
Did I mention I have an insatiable passion for music? Allow me to share one of my all time favorites. Bilal tells the truth! I’m all over this right about now for sure. Gotta have a song for every thought, feeling and groove. Here’s mine for today. Enjoy peoples. 🙂
Music is my soundtrack to life. Can’t imagine a world without it.
-black girl.
photography by Julia Pogodina
I can’t believe I told him that!! I’ll elaborate later, or maybe not. Damnit mang, I just don’t know what to say. Um, I know you’re reading this and laughing at me but…whatever. lol
-black girl.
Filed under: Reflections of a Black Girl
photography by christina myers
A good man doesn’t agree wholeheartedly with everything you say. He doesn’t just tell you what you want to hear and do the opposite. He doesn’t declare how sensitive, sweet, caring, sincere, etc. he is (he won’t have to because it shows). He has his own opinions and yours may clash, but he doesn’t have to degrade you to prove he’s right. He even admits at times to being wrong, especially if you are willing to do the same.
A good man is not going to meet every item on your checklist. He is human with frailties and faults mixed in with all of his wonderful, strong attributes. He needs your love and respect. He needs to feel that you don’t live to catch him doing something wrong so you can declare, “Aha! I knew you were a dog!”
A good man isn’t insecure about his woman having great achievements. In fact, he is her number one supporter and becomes disappointed with her when she begins to lose herself, especially for the sake of not hurting his feelings, or only wanting to make him happy. His happiness comes with seeing her excel in her dreams and accomplishing her goals. For as she excels and is exalted, a good woman will bring her good man right along with her.
A good man doesn’t necessarily give you a huge birthday or Valentine’s gift. He shows his love in the ways that are comfortable to him. Don’t judge him by TV standards. No one is really living a fairy tale. You’ll miss out on your own fairy tale by buying into the myth that our men are no good. It’s just not true.
A good black man is a man of his word. He says what he means and means what he says. His word is his bond. He never leaves you wondering if he is going to call or show up – he is dependable. A good black man has a love and a heart for God. As his relationship and love with and for God grows so will his relationship and love with and for you grow…Our beautiful black men we salute you, appreciate you and thank you for who you are and all you’ve done.
-author unknown
-black girl.
Filed under: Get it Poppin!
I chose the silk above the knee dress. The Vegas winner that made my legs look like a million bucks. My pumps where fuchsia, to bring out the hints of it in the dress.
I debated on whether or not to mention the spot where we began our festivities because it so fly and in the cut, I know that once people catch on it won’t be so exclusive anymore. The owners served us, some guys from London that I hope to do business with in the future. Until then, the spot stays a secret (but I take bribes). B took me there a while back and I fell in love. I’m not sure if it was the time and talk we had or the place itself. I just knew I liked the ambiance and energy at that moment in time. I hadn’t been back since because he mentioned that he went there a lot, and I didn’t want it to seem like I wanted to be there hoping to run into him. I needed to keep my distance as much as possible for my own reasons, and he needed his space. Besides, he knows exactly how to find me. Now truly one of my best friends.
I was elated to see and grab the fly window seat to wait for my peoples. Took a minute to reflect, ordered a drink. I watched the motion outside of the window where they had a few tables and chairs. Candle light flickered on the small round tables to my right. I’d made it to 30. In one piece and on time. I thought about the many lessons I’d took in along the way and the pain of the past that I was nearly done shedding. I was confident and independent, I felt beautiful on the inside and sexy on the outside. I smelled good and was finally the me that was intended to be. It felt good.
Kimora got there first followed by B, L some of ‘the family’, Jess and D. We went through one or two (can’t remember lol) bottles of Riesling hummus and lamb skewers. After my second glass of wine I was a little bit more talkative then usual…”Yep she’s about to punch in (our out, can’t remember, lol!),” they laughed. Speaking of me being on the brink of buzzieness, I think we were all enjoying the festivities. Good times.
We initially planned to go to an underground dance spot and get it in but the crew verdict turned out to be Geisha House. I was kinda sad because people showed up at the other spot looking for me and I wasn’t there! L Bella made it but couldn’t find me once she got into the spot. She was supposed to be my date but oh well; I had L to keep me company! The event was partly done by one of mentees. I call her Barbie doll because she really does look like one of those cute Asian collector Barbie’s. Even though the event was new and had growing to do, I was very proud of her for taking that first step. It felt kinda good to give guidance and see people trust and act on it. I felt like I made a difference in a young woman’s life. She’s gotten that first taste of success now so I know she’ll only grow up from here.
So the Geisha House is where it got interesting. I heard I was too sexy for myself but still on good behavior. Got a little closer than I maybe should but in that moment, it was what it was and it felt damned good! Haha I’m not sure how many bottles of Riesling we’d consumed but I only remember bits and pieces past a certain point! Lol. The last I remember was dancing with B, Pippi, L and D on the dance floor and that was it! I was told by witnesses the next day that I had a fly time and didn’t do anything too crazy, aside from peeing on the side of a building?! LMAO I still don’t believe that but whatever. The final question would be did I get laid on my birthday and if so, what handsome beau was it? I’ll never tell hmm. I was just a little naughty but I promise the Riesling made me do it!! It was definitely birthday to remember and I’m glad I spent it with the people that cared about me most. Good times, good times. The part two crew just summoned me as I was finishing up so I guess I’m on my way to 300 with Ty, Reno and Bella. I guess there’ll be a part duex.
I’m beginning to think we’re exhibitionists. That’s hot.
-black girl.
Filed under: The Fact of the Matter...
Ladies & gentlemen…meet Taalam Acey.
Nuff said.
-black girl.
Filed under: Get it Poppin!
photography by christina myers
So they got me in the spirit to celebrate my b-day today. I had a feeling I would do this, lol…decide at the last minute that my birthday would be better spent in a semi-drunken stupor with friends vs. sitting at the crib doing nothing. I was so surprised last night when one of my clients kicked off our meeting with a birthday cake and balloons! They sang happy birthday to me. Although I hate being the center of attention it made me smile, thank you guys. That really meant a lot. J
Did an impromptu visit to Stats (sports bar on Marietta Street) with Pippi and Brian for Mojitos on the rooftop. The view was hot. I’m a Patron and Kettle One or Goose snob thus me being the last Mohichan to try a Mojito. Pretty tasty! I had like three, lol. We had a good time just chillin and choppin the shyt. After that it was a quick run to Brady street before heading home. Believe it or not I did some work! The one thing I’ve learned about my line of work is that clients don’t give a flip about your birthday or personal life when they want their projects completed. The grind never stops and continues to get heavier.
Tonight it’s going down. I spent about an hour texting all of my friends this morning – letting them know that it’s about to pop off for a good cause! Might as well celebrate the fact that I MADE IT to 30 in good health and sound mind. Someone told me that this is actually where the fun begins. Guess that means I gotta do what it do. Hmm, what to wear? It’s my f$#&@* birthday!
Que theme song. Haha, yea.
*Almost forgot to shout out my girl nadia for getting a feature in this video! yet another black girl in the city doing it how she wants to. 🙂
-black girl.
April 25 marks the day I turn 30. It’s the coolest thing ever because I’ve made it this far in spite of all of my circumstances and mistakes. My life of unicorns, rainbows and rumplestilskins could be described as a crazy saga of ill happs, beautiful lessons, weed, sex, alcohol..you know, lol. I vowed to tell the truth in this blog because I know that through my truth others can relate, connect and hopefully be inspired. This is about a black girl’s journey to self, not imitation sugar sprinkled on bullshyt pie. If that’s what you want, sorry.
I’m not gonna lie; my mood hasn’t been the best over the past weeks approaching my triple deck mark. I;ve been a nightmare to myself! Lol Been kinda distant from my friends, avoiding any and all birthday plans and phone calls sitting on the floor in my closet chain smoking blunts…anything to avoid the unavoidable. I’ve running with quick speed like a crack head on red bull trying to keep busy from myself. Introspects have a tendency to pick and dissect mentally. Wise individuals indeed, but that shyt can drive you crazy sometimes. I’ve been totally exhausting myself just so I can crash hard every night and avoid my own pillow thoughts. My feelings I chose to ignore hoping they would subside because I knew I figured I was ‘just trippin’ again. On some emotional shyt. This too shall pass I openly profess every morning.
Wanna know something real? That shyt hasn’t and I’m pissed off about some things that I need to address. I realize that at this time I’m not just in one of my moods or depressed for whatever reason. My inner truth is speaking to me. A voice that started as a whisper, “You know what you need to do.” Hard-headed black girl wants to be superwoman so inner truth says, “Bytch you better listen.” No more whispers. “It’s time to pay attention if you truly want to be happy cause you know you aint. Stop frontin B!” Honestly, deep at the core of it all I am not fulfilled. My job is a blessing, the people I work with are good, but I don’t belong here. It was a season intended to stabilize my life and give me a sense of direction. A place to thrive and push, figure out what it really is I need to be doing on this earth. Although my analytical skills and ability to think strategically has gotten me far in the belly of the corporate beast, I don’t wanna be here anymore and I need to figure out a way to move forward without the beast boo boo’ng me out realizing that I really have no passion for this. Some days I do just enough work to get by, polar opposite of my normal swag which would be above and beyond, back flips and rave praise. Beasts pet. Man, phuck that. I gotta get this right.
I’m loyal and integral. Very. These are my everyday goals yet they have often led to my own detriment in the past. To remain true to my promises and be the person that others need has kept me stagnant in some areas of my life. Wanting to do you isn’t much of an option if you’re a RESPONSIBLE parent that adores your family and are willing to do what it takes to keep it in tact. My girls don’t have a father figure and my willingness to choose life has left me with the ultimate task of giving them the benefits of a two parent home as much as possible. There’s noting that can equate to the presence of a good and honorable black man in their lives, but I do what I can with what I have and pray the rest works itself out.
On some selfish shyt though? I really just wanna skate in my rink of promise and purpose with pink hot pants, a fly tee, gold bangles, perfect eyebrows and a sexy hair cut. But right now I’m walking down Bankhead wondering where the hell the trap man is so I can get a ride to the rink that I have no idea how to get to.
Bottom line it’s time to do what I need to do to foster my creative soul and live for my passions and dreams. Writing, art, photography…I starve for creativity and do what I can to express it and in turn satisfy my fix, hence this blog among other things. But now it’s getting to the point where my plush job is getting in the way, sucking up my time and energy leaving little left to dedicate to my crusade. I realize now that it’s not about WANTING to be a full time writer and business owner, it’s not about WANTING to build my company to the point of emancipation and freedom, it’s not about WANTING to strengthen my design skills or offer my creative brain and ideas to the world and tasting a satisfaction in my work greater than sex. It’s not about WANTING to give more and want less…live a lot and wish a little…love reciprocally and cry less. All of things I NEED. Truth: ’ll never be 100% satisfied until MY needs are met.
Something you didn’t know about me…
I’ve spent my entire life raising children. An adolescent mother at 14, I’m glad my daughter was given to me vs. a teen mom irresponsible and selfish. My old soul and sense of responsibility has gotten me through the worst in order to maximize on the best. Motherhood came naturally and my girl had everything she needed. With the help of my family I was able to finish high school and start college. Silly me, still on that “I need a daddy replacement” shyt, I got pregnant AGAIN, lol. I laugh because from the outside it may seem like a mistake twice, but really God saved me with my youngest. I was on a downward spiral to nowhere and needed something to set me right. Being given a second child (something so major) should tell you how phucked up I was around 20 years old. So, as you can imagine I’ve spent most of my life making sure my girls had everything they needed and most of what they wanted. I sacrificed with sweat and rich blood, did a lot of things I really didn’t want to do for the sake of them. Now I’m exhausted. I’ve literally done this alone in terms of being responsible and cultivating my little flowers into beautiful, young, respectable black women. Ironically I’m turning 30 when my eldest is at the same age I was when I had her. My inner truth confirms this coincidence as a message, “It’s time. Your girls are at the age where they can be independent and intelligent enough to understand that it’s your time to cultivate your life and live for you. To truly love on you.” I’ve been getting to it ya know? Slowly but surely.
I’m thanking the most high that I’m past the point of just surviving. We are doing well and I feel like today officially marks my ability to take steps toward living the life I NEED to live. Not an easy feat because my girls need me there and are still babies (for the most part lol) – but I’m willing to do what I have to do so I can just be happy. That’s all that matters right now and I realize that my life is depending on this.
If someone asked me what makes me happy I honestly couldn’t tell them a straight answer because I never took the time to think about it. Joke’s over black girl! I’m about to go in a totally different direction and shock the shyt out of most, except for my true friends that have been telling me what I didn’t want to hear all along. It took my 30 years to listen to truth but at least I’ve done it. Now it’s time to figure all of this out. And that truth be told, I’m willing to tear ALL of this shyt I’ve built down just to get to the heart of it all.
My turn.
-black girl.
Black Girl In The City. 