What’s good peoples? I really don’t have much to say today, or better yet, I have so much to say that I can’t put it on ya’ll in one sitting. I’ll fill you in on the Detox Files soon, but until then I’ll just leave you with my first ‘realization’ and principal to live by if you will…
“Grace must always supersede attitude.”
I’m off to the gym. One luv.
She has to be my favorite female artist of all time. I grew up with this chick! She got me through the best and the worst and held it down. Longevity and consistency. I’m so on it and she’s definitely proven true to the fact that putting those things in action truly does make a difference. She’s been in the public eye, we’ve all seen her struggle, and I think that’s why so many women can identify with her music. It tells her own story and she puts it out there for everyone to see. If that’s not a real woman I don’t know what is! The way she’s gone through things and was able to bounce back each time bigger and better than before reminds me that I really don’t have to bail out on situations or people just because it’s uncomfortable or takes work. I’m learning the value of true friendships and staying down with those that mean the most to me. Good times and bad. It only makes the bond stronger. Stay down ya’ll…the process may be painful at times, but as Faith Evans said, “Although I walk through the fire, I will come out as pure gold.” Anybody or anything that holds value in your life should be a mainstay, and any friendship, relationship, marriage or family bond that truly BINDS is worth fighting for.
All I’m trying to do is stay down regardless. For my peoples and myself.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is Adama and I have a girl crush on her! Guys, in case you don’t know what it is, a girl crush is something a woman has for another woman that’s beautiful and hawt (without the sexual element). Like Halle Berry to school boys.
If I were a dude, I’d send her roses and kiss her feet. But not until after listening to her MUSIC to put me in the mood. Seriously though, check her out. I wouldn’t steer you wrong! (Plus she has a heart of gold. Good people.)
This is my baby sister M. We found out about each other at the end of summer last year. My pops, all of a sudden after 15 years wants to tell me that I have a sister. Called me up at work and said hey, I have your sister on the phone. Nigga what?! I mean, it was so out of the blue it was crazy. At first I was angry because I knew what it meant…but I already knew that part anyway. She was a love child; her moms and my pops juked it out and made a cute, petite, pretty little thing that acts JUST like me! She’s a Taurus too and spoiled as shit. She has more designer handbags than I do lol.
We’ve been getting to know each other but I admit I haven’t been too diligent. She got her phone taken away for a minute and I was hardly ever on IM or myspace so you know…lol. We did have a little talk about my dad and above all I just wanted to make sure that she was ok. When I was her age I was searching hard body for someone of the opposite sex to teach me, guide me, give me that sense of security I needed. I ended up with a baby that’s now one year younger than her. She and my eldest daughter could be twins. Anyway, we talked about the whole absent dad thing and how it made her feel…and at that moment I felt a deep rooted happiness because I felt like I could give back to a sibling, like everything I’ve gone through over the course of my lifetime I can tell her without censorship and just be real. I’ve broken it down to my brother as real as I possibly can, but at the end of it all I’m not a black man so I can’t teach him shit about what he needs the most of. Lord knows I have a lot of miles and stories to share lol. She actually reads this blog…(hey girl J) something I would never let my babies do (right now). I’m looking forward to cultivating and strengthening our relationship. I know I’ll be a vital resource and friend to her.
In other news I went to my grandmother’s house on Sunday…my great granny was turning 102 and for some reason I thought it was 105 but I can be a dink on remembering stuff. :-\ At first I swear I didn’t wanna fuckin go but I’m glad I went. Everybody in the family was there including yours truly. Yes my pops. I hadn’t seen him since sometime last year, and a few phone conversations and emails in between filled the gaps but nothing serious. I’m not gonna lie, it was pretty awkward telling my little ones, hey girls meet your grandfather. The current dynamics of Black families kill me sometimes yo! It’s a never-ending continuum. So this cute little girl with the most beautiful chocolate skin walks up and smiles. She’s got blue rubber bands around her braces and she was wearing blue rimmed glasses. Pops says to me and my bro, meet your sister. What the FKING FK!? I was caught off guard for real. All I could do I was hug her and act as normal as possible, eventually wandering off to find a bottle of water to quench the effects of sun flames beaming down on my forehead. My normally china doll cut bangs where wisped to the side to avoid the sweat beads. Summer in Georgia is no joke!
Pops says, “Hey conversate with your sister.” Um what the fuck am I supposed to say? “So, what have you been up to for the past 11 years? Do you like your math class?” I mean really. There’s a time and place for everything. I’m excited though because she lives here unlike M who lives in B’more. I hope to get up to her soon. My granny walks up and doesn’t say anything. She just smiles and rubs my back for about two minutes. A mother always knows. When she’s done she says, “Bring the girls around here more often ok? Don’t keep them away from me.” That was a bet. I can’t help that I feel disconnected without a sense of family. I really try, but I just can’t get into it most times. Never felt that connection. I’m gonna make an effort to be better by starting with the two sisters I never knew about, but certainly have the blessing of getting to know and help guide in the right direction. Everything happens for a reason.
Casual conversation surrounds us while I’m trying not to cough from the grill smoke. I could have sworn I’d picked up the smell of semi-seared hotdogs and hamburgers in my hair. Ugh. As I’m distracted with burning eyes and a choking throat my pops says, “Oh yea, you also have a little sister who’s 3. She’s with the wife (who’s fukin 33 by the way) in myrtle beach.” My aunt joked, “Damn. When you gonna stop old man?” He said, “Nah I’m done. I think I have enough children and grandchildren to take care of me when I get old. Black girl are you gonna take care of me when I get old?” Are you serious?
Now you see what the hell I’m talking about.
Filed under: Matters of the Heart.
Well…today was kinda fucked up. LOL I’m not even gonna try and pretend I’m on the up and up cause I’m not. Unlike in the past, I’m making an effort not to ignore how I truly feel or lie to others or myself about it. You know how one little thing happens to annoy you and then the rest of your day just doesn’t get right? That’s kinda how mine was today.
So…this morning was my freebie Monday, meaning I didn’t have to come into the office until 10:30. My intentions to sleep late were foiled by two little ones constantly interrupting my slumber, so you know I was pissed! LOL
I got a new MAC computer at the office and hell if I know how to work one let alone figure out how to hook all of this fancy dual monitor laptop shit up to make it actually do something besides laugh at my novicehood. I spent the ENTIRE morning trying to get my company email server to work, actually I wasn’t connected to it all because I didn’t even have access to my backup files. Didn’t have my flash drive because I lost it over the weekend – it fell off of my key ring. So, I twiddled my thumbs until support came. I don’t know what they did but they made it happen. So my workday didn’t officially start until 1:00.
I had like a million voicemails and wrote each of the name and numbers down on sticky notes with the intention of calling all of my clients back one by one. I was interrupted by a phone call from my mom’s bitching about my Dell account, saying that they called her accidentally regarding a $22 balance on my account. WTF? That was followed by her reprimanding me and telling me that I need to call them as soon as possible. I just wasn’t in the mood and kept the convo short. The last thing I need is my mom calling me at work about some bullshit trying to act like my mom, lol.
So, I get back to my phone calls and realized that two of my sticky notes are gone AND I erased my messages! Lol. That set it off and I before I knew it I had spontaneously burst into tears. I went through an entire box of Kleenex, and in mid depletion my boss stops by and catches me in my silent frenzy…red nose and all. “Oh are you okay?” she says. That makes my sobs harder and I try to keep my back partially turned to her to show that I just didn’t wanna be bothered. I just responded that I’m having a bad day. She offers me the opportunity to telework (work from home) but I declined because being in the house by myself with a little fat dog watching my every move all day was definitely not going to do any good.
I tried to uplift my sunken spirits by listening to good music but it seemed like every thing I listened to made me sadder. Even Lil Wayne! LMAO Gotta laugh at that. So I flip on the TV to see two people on some lovey dovey stuff and definitely couldn’t watch the shit either. Lol I’m a total mess.
I did, however, manage to get one of my (personal) clients two crazy great deals on upcoming Media Buys for their company and they were stoked about that. Negotiating is one of my strengths. But how do you negotiate with yourself in order to make things better? I wish there was some kind of button I could push to make all of the things that I want to go away to vanish…especially when it concerns feelings. I’ve been fighting tears back all day if they haven’t been free flowing already. It just hasn’t been a good day but I guess the first step in making it better is to recognize that we are all entitled to having them. I can run from everything else in this world except the IRS and myself. And the IRS has no debts on me so I’m left to deal with the latter. I just wanna be okay really, and honestly I don’t know how to get there any other way but to just wait it out. This rough patch really sucks and I wish there was a better way. And to top it all off, I did something I said I wasn’t going to do – and of course, I had to make a run for the new tissue box because I hated myself for it.
I have a class tomorrow that I wish I never registered for because I don’t wanna go. I know this is gonna make me work my fingers to the bone to try and forget, but hey, I’m sure all of my clients that have been waiting on projects will be happy about that. Too bad I’m not. I wish things were different but then again…who doesn’t? Looking forward to that refurbished black girl sooner than later.
Man this makes me wanna move back up north, but I got my heart set on LA for the time being 🙂
It’s a beautiful day and I’m trying to keep a smile on my face. I’ve gotten a lot done to day FOR ME and it feels good. Just found out that my university is offering online classes starting in the fall. YES! I knew that I wouldn’t be able to physically attend classes with all of the demands and stressors in my life, so I’m happy about the fact that I can infuse something that’s such a huge priority into the scheme of things. They are only allowing me to get a BBA in Management but honestly I don’t care, I just need my degree so I can move on to the next level in my professional life. It’s kinda frustrating when you have things you need to do for you but can’t so this has definitely lifted my spirits!
I’ve been thinking about me and the things I want in my life, and I realized that a lot of things I do have aren’t necessarily what I want but what I’m given and am willing to accept because I don’t honor or maximize my potential and abilities the way they should be. Bad truth but real talk, I have serious self esteem issues. I always say, oh I used to have that problem but I’m cool now. Nah..not really. Because if I did I wouldn’t keep doing the same shit over and over hoping that they change. Fucking what? I’m 30 years old with a 14 and 9 year old. I gotta stop doing this shit to myself if I truly want to be happy. Somewhere within the last couple of days I had a wake-up call and realized that I’m not happy where I am and depressed because I feel limited in what I can do to get to where I wanna be. (Prolly cuz I ran outta weed and refuse to buy anymore.) Why? Because I’m so busy placating and doing what I can for everyone else because I want everyone to see how much of a good person I am. Everybody has control over my life and my well-being but me. Fuck that shit. I need a back bone and a big ass sign that says no that I can hold up whenever something is asked of me that interrupts my goals and plans. I decided to stop taking what is handed to me will start demanding what I need and want in my life. And if I can’t get it then I’m out. This is in every single area…my kids, my professional life, my family, my love life…everything! Can you imagine? I feel like everything and everyone has control over my life and feelings except me. It’s time to Detox…rearrange, and adjust myself before anything else.
I’m gonna lay off the weed for awhile lol. I really need to have a clear mind and address some things about myself rationally. When I smoke the only thing I’m good at is philosophy, creative work and fucking. I can do all of those without it because self medicating is getting hella expensive and not only was I running from myself, I was hurting myself by not staying UNhigh LONG enough to get what I needed to get from inside of me.
I’m not having sex anymore either until further notice. This is gonna be hard because I am a sexual person. But, I know me well enough now to know that I don’t need to become emotionally enslaved to men because that is what eventually happens. Then I’m left in a position of hating myself for moving along with something that I wanted when I knew I didn’t need it in the first place. I am who I am and even though I try to be most of the times…I’ve learned the hard way that I’m not superwoman, just a strong woman that does what she can to get things done and preserve her sanity. I gotta stop this if I want to break self-destructive and self defeating habits. At the end of the day, I get immediate gratification, but the after burn sets me farther back then I started in the first place.
I’m gonna keep writing because through this project I’ve realized that it may not necessarily be my call to write fiction (speaking on the three books that are all nearly completed by I can’t decide an end to.) I’m not a poetry or song writer either…both of which I’ve tried and didn’t feel the passion in. I think my purpose for being given this gift is to help other people make it through their own issues and whatever other difficulties they may face. I see that I also have the ability to uplift and encourage people and often speak right to the core of whatever it is they are feeling without them ever having to tell me a word. It’s also what I use to heal myself and get through hard times in my life. This is my purpose and I want to use my writing in a way that it was intended. No its time to figure out exactly what I need to do outside of this blog to facilitate that. Like this idea popped in my head and I acted on it, I assume the answer will come when it’s ready and when I’m ready to take on the responsibility. Until then I’ll keep hitting ya’ll with the lengthy soliloquies in hopes that you do take something from it to become a better you.
This is only the beginning. Yeeeehee!