messages from God.

 

 

 {Adriana Lopez Sanfeliu - “Life on the Block” series}

 

He’s been showing up around me a lot lately, probably because I’ve been showin mah azz and being so undisciplined.  I’ve basically been doing whatever I want to lately.  I really didn’t care, as long as I wanted it I’d get it and not worry about the rest.  I love it when God comes to me in little ways that make me think hmm?  It gives me inspiration that somebody’s still watching over me regardless of my sinister ways.  :-) 

 

I got this random email today.  When I tried to reply the email came back undeliverable.  Interesting….hopefully you can get something out of this just as I did.   Today I am thankful.

 

“We need to learn to thank the Lord for closed doors just as much as we do for open doors. The reason God closes doors is because He has not prepared anything over there for us. If he didn’t close the wrong door we would never find our way to the right door. Even when we don’t realize it, God directs our paths through the closing and opening of doors. When one door closes, it forces us to change our course. Another door closes; it forces us to change our course yet again. Then finally, we find the open door and walk right into our blessing. But instead of praising God for the closed door (which kept us out of trouble), we get upset because we “judge by the appearances.” And in our own arrogance, or ignorance, we insist that we know what is right. We have a very present help in the time of need who is always standing guard. Because He walks ahead of us, He can see trouble down the road and HE sets up road blocks and detours accordingly. But through our lack of wisdom we try to tear down the roadblocks or push aside the detour signs. Then the minute we get into trouble, we start crying “Lord how could this happen to me?” We have got to realize that the closed door was a blessing. Didn’t He say that “No good thing will He withhold from them that love Him?” If you get terminated from your job - don’t be down, instead thank God for the new opportunities that will manifest themselves - it might be a better job, or an opportunity to go to school. If that man or woman won’t return your call - it might not be them, it might be the Lord setting up a roadblock (just let it go).”

 

I say I know but in reality I don’t know much at all.

 

-blackgirl.

if you weren’t a little old lady…

  

It’s no secret that my life is a whirlwind of everything mashed up and then sum so it would make sense to have a little help every now and then.  I had to face the truth that even if I had to pay for it, I needed someone to come in and help keep the crib straight.  I cannot STAND a disorganized house but you wouldn’t know it if you caught me on a weekday!  We won’t even talk about my car…I’m just so busy.   :-\

 

My house is a freaking tornado zone some days because I work so much, and every now and then I’ll have Emma (periodic house keeper) come in and do deep cleaning of the house and help me get my life back in order.  Since it was mother’s day weekend I figured it would be cool to have her come back on Saturday and handle the handle.  That gave me a free Friday night to chill with Nina, L and Darlene at the Geisha house.

 

So, Emma shows up shortly after I return from making a quick morning errand.  I wanted to go back to sleep badly but opted not because I had SO much to tackle in 24 hours.  When she came in she surveyed the house and smiled.  “This is not that bad.  You always talk like its so bad.  I’ve seen muuuuch worse,” she sang with a slight accent floating from room to room.  I shrugged my shoulders and thought, hmmm ask my company that.  I was kinda embarrassed because nobody likes an impromptu visit with a messy crib.  I bet they were thinking, “Damn black girl, WTF is up with those dishes?” lol.  If they were paying attention I’m sure they got the real business of my life:  A desk piled high with work, mega masses of laundry, and remnants of whatever my babes had decided to leave in the floor on that particular day.  This time it was candy wrappers from a goodie bag I brought home to them the night before.  Ughh.

 

Annoying indeed but comes with the territory I suppose.  So, I quickly run the low down of the low down to Emma as I’m looking at my watch.  Baseboards, sky window ledge needs dusting, can you see if you can get that stain out of the carpet? You know…I had a client waiting on me to do some work for their website as we spoke.  A day in the life. 

 

Now Emma was usually a happy, cheerful, round jolly older lady that had spent the majority of her life raising rich white babies after immigrating from Haiti in her 20’s.  But today she seemed a little…slow.  “Are you ok?” I asked catching her blank stare into my bathroom. 

 

“Yes, yes,” she nodded, “I see you cleaned some?”  She peeked over into my bathtub (which was spotless by the way).  Yay me!

 

I laughed and replied, “Yep, just a little.  And thank God I to took time to do a bit.”  She could see the sheepish smile unfold across my face and shifted her eyes to the bathroom counter.  I hope she wasn’t looking at what I thought she was looking at…the wrappers!!!!  OMG.   

 

She chuckled and walked past me into the bedroom.  “Let’s start with washing these linens,” she said snatching my comforter off of the bed.  I’m thinking to myself, “Who says anything went down in the bed?” LOL but whatever.  I was kinda embarrassed.

 

“These clean?” She asked with a slight slur.  She was pointing at the huge mound of clothes next to my bed that I had managed to wash but didn’t fold.  “Yea, I tried to finshish up,” I replied.  She pointed to the folded clothes on the couch adjacent to my bed…”I will put those away for you too.  It’s ok.”

 

I wanted to make sure I showed her the remaining GANG OF LAUNDRY in the laundry room and kid’s room because I really didn’t want to have to face it on a Saturday or Sunday for that matter.  “Can you make laundry a priority?” I asked. “If you go over our time I’ll just pay you for it.  I can’t stand this,” I said shaking my head.

 

“Of course.”  Her reply seemed slow motion.  Her eyelids closed a little and popped back open while I’m thinking what in deh heyall?

 

“You alright?”  I touched her shoulder.

 

“Sure, I’m ok.”

 

Cool.  So..I leave Emma to my homeland disaster and go about my business and things to do for the day.

 

—-

 

I come back few hours later stoked.  My house was immaculate and it smelled so good!  Baseboards scrubed, blinds dusted, refrigerator cleaned, oh she did the damn thing.  I was thinking I should have had her come the day before to save myself the embarrassment of having my unexpected guest see the atrocity that takes less than a week for my little tornados to create.  Phuk it though.  I went into my bedroom and she was standing over my bed with this funky azz look on her face.

 

“Place looks great!”  I smiled at her still surveying my surroundings.

 

“Yes, but.”  She paused.

 

“But..” I mocked hoping bad news wouldn’t be so bad.

 

She pointed to the pile of clothes on my bed.  A pink pile of clothes that just happened to be all of my white blouses, t-shirts and camisoles.  But listen, they weren’t just pink, the were bright ass pink.  The kind that wouldn’t come out.  RUINED!

 

“Omg!  What happened?”  I picked up one of my favorites from BeBe and wanted to cry.  “This was a $100 dollar blouse!”

 

“I am so sorry.  My doctor gave me medicine that makes me sleepy and I washed with red.”  She held up a pair of red thongs with one finger and looked as though she wanted to cry.  I was so effin heated I wanted to choke a little 5 foot 55 year old Haitian lady and at that point didn’t care if I caught a case.  She ruined about $800 to $1000 dollars worth of clothes that weren’t effin cheap!  A few of them I had just bought in an effort to style up my swagg and had only worn once or twice.  I stormed out of the room to catch my cool.  I know myself well enough to know when it’s time to just walk away. lol

 

She followed behind still apologizing.  “You don’t have to pay me.  I know you paid a lot for your clothes.”  I softened up a little and caught my cool.  As much as I wanted to keep my $150 and replace at least ONE effing top,  I didn’t.  This woman is there whenever I need her not to mention it takes two hours for just to get here by bus and train.  Besides, she did do a good job on everything else.  Still didn’t erase the fact that I wanted to choke the lights out of her for jacking my shyt but hey, it is what it is.

 

“Don’t worry about it. You can just go,” I said pushing the folded cash into her wrinkled, dry hands.  She reached for the two bags of garbage at the front door to take a long with her and I put my arm in the way. 

 

“It’s okay Emma, go take care of yourself.  We’ll take care of the trash,” I said as I grinned a wide bodied smile but deviously thinking…Now get the phuk out.

 

I’m so pissed man, and on top of all of that I just burnt my stinkin toast. 

 

-black girl

the news is grand!

{Guillermo Vega - Into the Dark Series}

 

Dirt man just got promoted to Dro man.  What a beautiful thing.

 

Burn one.

 

-black girl.

chasing the happy

     photography by nikolas suhkevish

 

 

Just a snippet from a conversation with my deep thinking buddy today.   I love our chats because they are always substantial at one point or another.  Funny how you can spend the entire day diggin philosophy and exchanging ideas with someone and still have more to talk about.    

 Here’s a good one and a clip to go with it… 

me: question of the day “What Inspires You?”

 

Thinker: Spiritual, Emotional, and Financial Freedom…and the undying pursuit of happiness

 

me: FREEDOM  Who would think that something so easy to have could be so hard to hold on to? (happiness)

 

Thinker: hardest things on the planet are easy

 

me:   funny how it all works. besides your inspirations what makes you happy?    

 

Thinker: believing they are achievable…and some (bleep)…lmao

 

movie clip of the day.

 

-black girl.

nina brown talks about why she’s single.

 I said that once I’d gained enough readership for Black Girl In The City™ I would have other women that fit the mold to guest write for this blog.  It would be selfish of me to share this effort alone being that there are so many of us here and in Atlanta doing our thing.  Like I said, here we are the majority, not the minority! 

 

Meet Nina Brown.  If you haven’t had a chance to read her entire story ladies, you should do so when you get some down time.  Nina may laugh when she reads this because I never had the opportunity to tell her that I look up to her and admire all that she does with respect and integrity.  All of this time I never knew that she was a writer like myself, but when I found out I didn’t hesistate to ask if she wanted to guest write.  I knew it would be great to feature her as our first “Black Girl In The City” guest blooger because she’s making moves and taking names while keeping it fresh and fly.  Not to mention the coincidence of her being dubbed, “The black Carey Bradshaw”.  Luv it!

 

Nina’s story goes far and deep.  Fast foward to 2006 where she was promoted to the producer of the # 1 Morning Show in Atlanta, V-103.   I became familiar with her through my friend Frank, who is one half of the duo that makes the show so great.  As producer of the Frank & Wanda Morning Show, she does whatever she has to do to make certain the hosts sound flawless. Often times that entails lots of research, event planning, creative thinking, meeting after meeting, constantly staying on her toes to be bigger and better, non-stop hustling & networking, extremely early mornings, ridiculously late nights and world travel. However, nothing is beneath her!   Even though her dresses are always fly, her humble attitude compliments her a heart of gold and fear of God with a magnetic personality that attracts many and spares none. 

 

Today Nina talks about why she’s single.  This is only a portion of the full piece because like me, she gets down to it and thoroughly articulates her thoughts to make sure you get it!  Thanks Nina for agreeing to do what you do best.  I couldn’t have said what you had to say better myself.

 

-black girl.

 

—-

Why I’m Single!

If I had a dollar for every time I was asked, “Why don’t you have a man?” I could easily put everyone’s kid through college.

Working in Atlanta’s “Black Hollywood” as a young, single female with morals, I face my own set of challenges. However, I never imagined dating would be so high on the list. I have come to realize, just because the industry glitters, doesn’t mean its hardly golden! While I wouldn’t trade my industry experiences for anything in the world, I will admit, it takes a new-age Nancy Drew to crack the millions of mysteries that come with this package deal.

When my dating scene went from bad to worst, I began to ask myself, Why am I single??? As I experienced dating deal breaker after dating deal breaker (DDB), I began to keep record of them in my blackberry to see if I could get to the bottom of my own rhetorical questions.

In the beginning, I thought it was me. I constantly made excuses why my dating life was on a path of self-destruction. Had I become a bad man-magnet? I considered everything from where I lived (outside the city) to the extra 10lbs I gained, but once I moved downtown and lost 25lbs, things still didn’t change!I then asked myself, was it really me?

Now, I’m far from perfect, but I know who I am, and more importantly, I know what I want. I have standards that I’m not willing to lower or compromise. While I realize, I won’t be every man’s “perfect 10″, I stand tall by my personal beliefs and I refuse to cut corners and settle for wack plea bargains. Life’s way too short to be complacent with convenience or settle for mediocrity.

 

 

 

I have stopped asking myself, “Why am I single?” because the answers I was looking for were before me, and as clear as a cloudless day.

 

• I’m single because I will never allow a man to make me feel like I’m anything less than fabulous.  I have an amazing Daddy who raised me well; because of him, I know what a stand up dude is.

 

• I’m single because I work in a male dominated industry and most men can’t handle the fact I’m around other powerful, popular and well-connected men 24/7.

 

• I’m single because I have more backbone than a lot of men and I don’t always want to be the “driver”.  I expect my man to lead, and quite honestly, the majority of men these days have no idea where they’re going…

 

• I’m single because I can carry my own weight. Most men have egos that need to be stroked, so they seek needy women to make them feel empowered, looking down upon independent women.

 

• I’m single because my male mentors expose me to things most men can’t, like fine dining and traveling to new places some only experience thru the Discovery Channel.

 

• I’m single because I have a zero tolerance for ignorance. Zero!  I’m single because I run at the first sight of a “red flag”.  I will not tolerate being lied to.

 

• I’m single because I will not sweat or stalk you, regardless of how gorgeous or successful you might be…

 

• I’m single because I choose to keep a good reputation, I will not sleep with you because you drive a flashy car, rock $500 designer jeans or have an icy watch and chain to match. Often times, that’s all you’ve got… these 4 things.

 

• I’m single because I’m attracted to the hip hop culture and often times shy away from everything else.

 

• I’m single because sometimes I’d rather sleep than be on the social scene.

 

• I’m single because I was taught the difference between personality and character and I need a man with character.

 

• I’m single because I’d sometimes rather hang out with my fabulous girlfriend’s then play the “get to know you” game with some new dude.

 

• I’m single because I don’t want to inherit your baby mama drama.

 

• I’m single because I was taught life is much like a theater and I’m the superstar on stage!

 

• I’m single because I refuse to play the sideline chick.

 

• I’m single because I think male groupies are the lowest form of man.

 

• I’m single because I understand, what God has for me, is for me.

 

• I’m single because I realize some men want to be affiliated with my connections and reap the benefits of the many blessings I’ve received.

 

• I’m single because the most important men in my life told me, I deserve the best, and now, it’s the ONLY thing I’ll settle for.

 

• And again, I’m single because I have an extreme phobia for the down low. I need a man who digs women only.

 

• But most importantly, I’m single because I CHOOSE TO BE.

                                                                                                                     -Nina.

 

—

 

Although you may not always be able to hear Nina every morning on the radio, trust that she’s the magic behind the greatness and has no need to be the center of attention or be on the front lines.  That in itself is how a “Black Girl in the City” should be.  The power behind the machine is far greater than the machine itself.

 

Explore More of Nina’s Work.

 

-black girl.

it’s about that time pimpin.

 

 

Every now and then we get caught up in the superfluous layers of ‘stuff’ that seem to pile up our world ultimately consuming life and the enjoyment it can provide.  If you are not careful it’ll snatch you off your game, toss you on the floor and spit in your face with a smile. 

 

I was thinking today, I got some peeling to do.  One of the reasons I think I feel so bogged at times is because I’ve deviated from my basic principals and goals.  Impulsive motifs and the need to fulfill personal pleasures and wants have played a part too.  But I think the main thing is my annoying habit of fully absorbing the things I come in contact with, which can be dangerous.  I take on things I shouldn’t, or say yes to things I don’t want to…and perhaps even do a little low balling of self for whatever reason. 

 

I burned my finger making dinner tonight.  It pissed me off so bad that it created a spiral of funky foul in my house.  I was bitching about nothing and everything for no reason! Lol That one little incident took me in a totally different direction that I wanted to go.  That said, I gotta remain aware of those small things that disguise themselves as nuances, but in actuality serve the sole purpose of phukin up yer $hit!!  We typically keep our eyes peeled for the big things that occur, the obvious and flamboyantly presentable while the real culprits slip by and latch on like leaches sucking every sense of direction you had.  They make you forget.

 

Jokes on me!!! Haha black girl.   I almost freaking forgot what the hell I’m doing and why I’m doing it and what it means to me by doing it.  I don’t know where this philosophical thought came from, I just know that its time to get back to basics and back on my shyt.  Not saying I’ve fallen off totally, just saying that I can see the great disaster in the horizon.   I know well enough to head off at the pass and double dutch in the opposite direction throwing the deuces.  Paaayyyyce.

 

In order to be the complete 360 me, I’m gonna have to get back to basics and remind myself of what the hell I’m supposed to be doing with myself.  Gonna have to peel back some burdens, forget about the water under the bridge and just cross that shyt.   

 

I. Will. Not. Fall. Off.

 

-black girl.

holding it all together in my sexy dress

{rinze van brug}

Random updates…

 

I woke up late again this morning.  7am to be precise.  I have 3 alarms that go off but I’ve been sleeping through each and every one!  A few hours of sleep each night has its drawbacks.  I have an admirer that calls me at 6:30am every single morning.  I don’t answer even though I’m normally up by then.  Funny, this guy is a real good dude; we met when I had a flat tire at 2am.  Pulled alongside and helped a sister out.  The next day he was at my house taking the tire off.  Took it and got it fixed, brought it back and rotated all of my tires by hand.  I was impressed.  Not really used to men doing anything for me.  Not sure if it’s my stubborn independence to ask or accept, or the fact that I am so focused on being the giver that I don’t stop to think about the reciprocal factor.  At any rate, this guy has a 21 yo daughter and three other children.  Going through a divorce and I think he’s already looking for a wife.  I wonder if I should tell him that it aint me.  Seems like, with all of that he’d want a settled life at 37 pushing 38.  But my life is just beginning.  I need someone that’s working towards something besides winning the little league championship and slurping Heinekin’s on ball game Sunday, moving and shaking right along with me.  I may do cheerleading and jazz practices because I have to, but I’m no soccer mom.

 

I feel kinda wierded out when he starts talking about how we are on the same team and he says, “Hey I’m here, whatever you need.”  He talks about how he wants to take me places and do things, etc.  I’m thinking, “I hate it when dudes talk shyt about what they are gonna do.  Just do it because as soon as you start talking all of that it automatically registers as game!”  “Where you wanna go baby?  Mexico?  Tahiti?  Tell me and we’re there.”  Ugh.  Yea, I’m thinking, but that means you’re gonna wanna get some goodies and I’m so not there with you dude. LOL.  I know he would be good for me in terms of what I need but I’m not attracted at all.  Some of my homies have piped, “Girl, you need to keep him around and get over that other stuff.  You need someone like him in your life.”  I’m sorry, I just can’t keep someone around for the sake of security and help.  I’d feel like I’m just using them if I can’t offer the affection and care that’s required in those situations.  Sometimes I think I’m too good for my own good, lol.  Despite my warnings of being too busy to cultivate a relationship and my effortless ability to be a hard cookie to crack, he still says,” I’m here.”  I don’t know why I panic but I guess I don’t want to be smothered or held accountable to anyone or anything but my current obligations.  I don’t like to hurt anyone’s feelings but I’m sure he would appreciate me telling him that I’m not really interested and if he wants to be cool then…ok.  But honestly, I don’t think he can handle just that.  Mentioning my disinterest in that regard would be the best.  Guess I’ll tell him the next time we speak instead of ignoring his calls.  I’m disappointed at myself for doing the thing I’ve despised in people that do the same to me. 

 

I’ve been pulling late nights to keep up with my personal priorities in terms of business and making this thing happen.  Drowning myself in merlot and sometimes smokes to make the grind less tiring lol.  I think I’m going to hire a summer intern to help out during the busy summer months because things are only gonna get busier, and I’m only gonna get a little bit buggier, you know eyes popped out of my head like, “Why the phuk wasn’t this done yesterday!?”  lol.  

 

When I got in and sat down I realized my feet were ashy as hell!  Like I’d been kicking flour all the way into the office.  Seems I lotioned everything on my body after a 5 minute shower but my feet, lol.  Day kicked off with meetings and a stack of things to do a mile high.  None of which I feel like doing but I gotta snap out of it and understand how blessed I am to be in the position I am.  Where I am valued and my decisions are trusted.  Running my desk here is very similar to running my own business so I appreciate that level of independence that is given to me.  A rarity in this game since so much is at stake on the daily.  I’m rockin it though! 

 

Lunch plans.  Kimora called for me to do lunch with her and Nik today at Fuego.  I was supposed to have a lunch date but I gotta keep my friends first in line.  He and I can do Sushi tomorrow.  When I walked into the office today, I strolled past the kitchen only to see my boss hovered over the brewing coffee like a drone, praying for the last drop to percolate so she can get her fix.  Laughed to myself.  She was straight jockin the pot! 

 

I’m looking at my mile high list of upcoming initiatives and current projects on my calendar for today.  I still don’t understand how I do it all and still keep a clean kitchen and ample supply of clean panties in the drawer!  Trust me I’ve run out before and have no problem pushin a commando on em. Lol  

 

Been stocking up on dresses for the summer.  I go to a lot of private events during the hot months and a dress is always the best option.  Especially since i go stir crazy when trying to pick out outfits at the last minute.  A dress makes it so much easier.   I learned the hard way last year that a busy woman should always keep a dress on deck for every occassion.  Buisiness, personal, Saturday sexy, first date fly…my ladies know!   the only question would be, “Panties or no panties?”  Ha ha, yea.

 

Tomorrow is registration for school.  I’ve decided not to do it just yet.  I’m barely keeping up with my life as is and I know the additional stressor will only lead to more late nights and red bull by the case.  Just being real.  As bad as I want to go, I knew that choosing life would have its sacrifices and setbacks for me personally, but I will make it.  Sometimes I have a tendency to push myself so hard that I don’t realize how much or how hard I am going until I crash.  It’s frustrating at times because there’s so much I want and need to do, but my first obligation is my family.  I don’t have help; it’s just us so I have to make sure I give them what they need as well.  Time, love, healthy meals and direction for their future. When I went in front of the admissions panel a month or so back they asked me, “So, what is your plan for managing school with your other obligations?”  I skipped across my words but managed to reply, “Honestly, I just do it and will strategize and plan according to my priorities, one of the first being finishing my degree.”  Same sentence in my readmissions essay, lol.  I wonder if the ever noticed.  Guess it doesn’t matter since I got the acceptance letter anyway.  I gotta be real with this and understand that there may be things I want to do and may have the drive to do, but I gotta be realistic as well and realize that I’ll have to either wait until help comes along or my girls get a little older.  Who knows, I may have things a little bit more under control by the fall and be able to get in then.  I only have 48 hours left in the accelerated degree program for business professionals.  I ultimately want to bring my GPA to a 3.5 so I can transfer to Georgia State.  Just don’t know when that will happen. 

 

We have a company picnic on Thursday. $5 bucks to the first person that can tell me where the word PICNIC came from!   I’m looking forward to being in the sun and out of the office.  Laughing at a bunch of tipsy co-workers talking shyt will most def be priceless. 

 

Got a lot going on but I’m bangin it out!  Besides, so long as my dresses are fly I think I’ll be hella straight. 

 

-black girl.

let me smell it! (gag)

I have no words.

 

 

-black girl.

the mirror looked back at me

 

 

photography by ‘Flash’

 

 

Here’s something I said to a friend today.  It’s funny how those little aha moments pop up when you least expect, and especially when they manifest as the mirror looking back at you.  It wasn’t until the person on the other end of this conversation  pointed it out that I went back to read my own words.  That’s when I realized how far I’d truly come as a young woman…

 

“ha, yea, the prolific thing has a tendency to come out every now and then. …as far as pickin em goes; I really go off the vibe. The older I get the more I’m into looks SECOND lol. I don’t give a crap about good looking men honestly, you know - drooling and gasping when they walk by or whatever, but if they approach me and have something substantial between the ears and seem to have good direction then I roll with it. So I guess intellectual connection (which is hard as heck) then looks/attraction and then swagg. J

My issue- I want a man who’s both because attraction & intellect are equally important when it comes to having someone you want to enjoy a good part of your life with. The one’s that have both usually posses some other MAJOR phuked up flaw that I only learn about after I’m too far into the game. I guess the lesson is that stepping out there is a risk, but we keep doing it because the possibility of reward is far greater than any risk that your heart can endure. I just wonder WHY I want it so much. You’d think I’d just be cool doing me and having fun in life. But no matter how successful or accomplished I become, there’s still always something missing. A nagging void that I pray would go away but only gets bigger. Pisses me off…Stupid $hit! Lol”

 

-black girl.